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Ten Tips to Not Offend People

Published by Juliane Elliott in Satire
April 20th, 2008

Ever feel that everything you write or say eventually will offend someone? Here is the humorous side of being politically correct.

  1. Always refer to everyone as a “person.” Man, woman or child. A woman should never be referred to as a “child-bearing person”, because this is offensive to those persons who do not bear children. A child should never be referred to as” a smaller person.” This sends the message that the child is inferior due to their size. Also a man should never be referred to as “may eventually get erectile dysfunction person.”
  2. Never ever talk about your faith in public. You may be surrounded by a group of agnostics and they really don’t want to hear about your religion. Trust me on this one. Religion is best avoided in all social scenes and forums. Your beliefs are offensive!
  3. Do not show pictures of your children or grandchildren. People really do not care. It may offend those persons who are not able to have children or never in a million years would want children.
  4. Do not verbalize your support of any political candidate. Observe your surroundings. If you are in a rally surrounded by Hillary Clinton supporters, it is not a good idea to wave your Obama sign. Common sense persons!
  5. Always use a debit or credit card. Why, you might ask? Well, you will offend the cashier! If the cashier asks you if the transaction is “cash, credit or debit” and you answer “cash” that will imply that you are rich. Rich people after all have the cash! Saying you are using “cash” is insulting to the cashier. It might make them feel low-self esteem.
  6. Never, ever speak the truth. Always, always pepper your compliments with little white lies. Instead of asking Mrs. Smith how her son is doing in jail. Say, “Person, how is person who is out-of-town on business doing?” If Mrs. Smith looks at you blankly, simply say, “I heard that hotel has a new chef and the food is great!” Then move onto the next person who you do not wish to offend.
  7. Persons who sleep during the day, can be easily irritated. So take note person! Let’s say, you find yourself in a nocturnal convention. Never, ever brag about your latest sunburn or any pre-cancerous moles. Nocturnal types can get testy. They will be offended because they do not have the same opportunities as day dwellers to get a nasty sunburn on the beach.
  8. Avoid any reference to nationality or culture. If you love a certain type of ethic food. Do not refer to it as such! This is insulting to the persons of the world who do not like this type of food! References to culture likes and dislikes must be avoided at all costs. Food has been flung over these issues.
  9. You must never state the facts in any situation. For example, last week I was at a reptile rally. The speaker declared that reptiles were “cold-blooded.” He was abruptly stoned on the podium. His huge gaffe was the negativity in the words “cold-blooded.” One group took offensive and it was soon over for that person.
  10. Finally, you may wish to consider wearing blinders. Blinders will force you to only look straight ahead. With blinders you can never offend anyone because you can’t see much of anything! You will always be looking in front of you and life is far simpler that way. You also may wish to consider stuffing a sock in your mouth, if you feel the urge to state your feelings about anything. This way you won’t be attacked by a comment that you made, which may have inadvertently offended a person.

I hope these tips were helpful. Isn’t it great to live in America, land of the free?

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15 Comments
  1. R.P.
    Posted April 20, 2008 at 10:40 am

    Very funny!

  2. Carrie
    Posted April 20, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    I like “the stuff your sock in the mouth idea”. This will be very useful!

  3. Jeff
    Posted April 20, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    While a very funny article. This humor has a very serious and dark side to it. It is impossible to say anything anymore without offending someone. Writers and speakers are being denied their right to free speech.
    Censorship is the next step.
    Humor and satire can be blatantly alarming. This author makes her point.

  4. Lisa
    Posted April 20, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Clever and amusing satire. I thoroughly agree with Jeff.

  5. Candy
    Posted April 21, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    I’ll use that one day. When I’m in a Nocturnal convention.

  6. THIS IS A HOOT!!!!!
    Posted April 25, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    love it!!!
    sHOULD BE A HEADLINER THOUGH!!!

  7. Elaine
    Posted April 26, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Hysterical satire. Can’t stop laughing.

  8. DD
    Posted May 1, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Too funny

  9. MM
    Posted May 8, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    This could be material or a stand-up routine. Very funny! Link it and tell your friends!

  10. MM
    Posted May 9, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Hilarious!

  11. Critic
    Posted May 17, 2008 at 11:51 am

    A laugh out loud piece that overflows with sarcasm and sophistication.

  12. Cordula
    Posted June 4, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    I just blogged about the parent article, and I also mentioned similar things!!! Its kind of sad really. After all these years as a ‘free country’, so many people still can’t accept opinions other than their own!

  13. Heidi
    Posted July 15, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    Nicely done and i see the connection!

  14. very funny stuff
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    You rock!

  15. conie
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    You are very funny! SNL are you listening?

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