Image source Wikipedia

Opens with a boring  research lab scene, which is unnecessarily long in an attempt to make us care about Marcus.

Chris Bale

I’m Batman… I mean I’m John Connor.

Commander

Would you stop monologuing and do your job?

John Connor

Yes, I’ll try to rescue those people. I’ll chase that jet plane in a slow moving helicopter, alone. What could go wrong?

He crashes then gets thrown around by a T600.

John Connor

Can’t you just rip my heart out like Schwarzenegger did in the first film?

T600

That’s coming with the next software upgrade Skynet  2019.

Cut to resistance command hidden in a self sustaining submarine.

Colonel America

Down here we’ll be safe from Skynet’s satellite surveillance.

Colonel Britain

What about all our helicopter’s air planes?

Colonel America

We’ll give them red headlights to disguise them as Terminator’s.

Officer

John Connor wants to coming aboard, he just jumped into the ocean.

Colonel America

Idiot. OK try and find him in these raging ocean.

John Connor

Hail me.

Colonel America

I’m the resistance leader, don’t get confident just because you’re better than me.

John Connor

I had to come here because every time I call you hang up.I have got feelings you know. Also for someone hidden under the ocean I thought you’d appreciate the intelligence.

Colonel America

Are you calling me stupid.

John Connor

I… Look just give me your super top secret plans because I never put myself in a position where I could get caught.

Marcus wanders around a devastated LA. He doesn’t remember what’s happened but he is very calm about it all.

Marcus

Hmm that’s a very dangerous looking Robot, but if I talk to it I may find out it’s a vending machine.

He gets rescued by Kyle Reese who destroys the T600 in a ridiculous manner more suited for an A team adventure.

Image via Wikipedia

Marcus

Why didn’t you use your gun.

Kyle Reese

That’s the Terminator style not mine.

Marcus

That’s stupid, but I’ll stay with you anyway due to a timely attack.

Kyle Reese

We stay down by day… actually we move around by day and get a good night’s sleep. It’s a shame because the future fighting looked far cooler in the first 2 films. Still we can’t go pleasing the fans by sticking to a few simple rules.

They escape LA, with Reese learning how to drive incredibly well in just 10 seconds. Then they’re attacked by a giant transformer which believes grabbing people with huge unwieldy arms to  be more efficient than just gassing them.

Marcus

I’m alive? I’m alive! Knew those diving lessons would come in handy. Now to cut down this resistance  pilot in a way that would like break her legs.

They go to Connor’s base which is protected by anti Terminator mines. One attaches to  Marcus’s leg, dazing him rather than blowing him to pieces.

John Connor

The question is who bought cheap mines?

Kate

No the question is, what’s with the Terminator/human hybrid?

John Connor

And why is it more advanced than the other Terminators?

Marcus

And why are you going to trust me to infiltrate Skynet?

John Connor

I’m human and go with my heart. Just as people did when they trusted machines with all our military defences… Well, safe journey.

John Connor wanders into Skynet central ALONE!

John Connor

Why am I doing this alone? Especially as my soldiers will fly in later without any trouble.

Director MCG

This is more exciting and tense.

John Connor

What about having Terminators that manage to actually terminate someone​?

Director MCG

Just get on with it.

Skynet

Good morning Marcus. I’m going to explain our plans as any intelligent villain would do.

Marcus

This is getting far too much like ’ I Robot ‘ I’m going to save Connor.

Skynet

You can’t I sent Schwarzenegger to kill him. I could have sent the thousands of Terminators which are just loitering around the factory, but for a computer that killed millions of humans by Nuking them, I am surprisingly sporting.

Marcus

You at least gave Schwarzenegger a gun right?

Skynet

Err no…

Marcus

Ha-ha.

Marcus runs off avoiding all the thousands of guards, Connor clearly taught him a few things.

Skynet

I knew I should have just kept him talking with the whole prequel or sequel debate.

Despite having a miniature canon on him John shoots the Schwarzenegger with a gun he knows will do no harm. Schwarzenegger just plays with him as well.

John Connor

You’re not going to rip my  heart out either?

Schwarzenegger

Skynet 2009!

John Connor

Right… Shame this script doesn’t explain why a Terminator in America has an Austrian accent. Ow! Stop throwing me around it’s getting really repetitive and boring.

Director MCG

Hmm that CGI face is getting expensive.

John Connor

I’ll handle that. I’ll also blow off his naughty bits which we had to awkwardly black out earlier.

Schwarzenegger

Hey you’re stripping my ability to relate with humans.

John Connor

You never had it.

The battle goes on but the T800 still doesn’t kill him. Yet manages to disable semi Terminator Marcus in less than a minute.

John Connor

I will now kill you in the same way as you died in T2.

This doesn’t work for some reason but puts him on pauses for a minute.

T800

Where are the other Terminators when you need them?

John Connor

Where are the rest of the resistance when you need them.

Marcus finally kills the T800 and gets Connor out of Skynet.

Marcus

That was easy.

John Connor

If a little drawn out.

Mute girl hands Connor the detonator to set off a nuclear explosion which he uses despite being just a couple hundred foot from the blast. They survive?

John Connor

I better mention that Skynet hasn’t been completely destroyed. There is no sequel but what someone else makes loads of money out of for themselves.

For more of my parody scripts and other writing go to https://www.triond.com/users/Nathan+Grace