Living in another country or thinking about it? Well read on and you may well change you’re mind. Most places have resident Ex-pat communities and within these exist a mind-blowing assortment of the dregs of humanity.

The Leech

These are the parasites of the ex-pat world and will do their best to draw you into their scornful fold. They will take advantage of your naiveté and latch onto to any weakness in order to turn you to the dark side. Before you know it they will be in control of everything, where you shop, who you socialize with, where you eat and even what type of shampoo you use. If you’re a bright individual then all is not lost and eventually you will escape their evil grasp and move into the light of a new day. If you’re not all that bright then you will have sold your soul and no-one else will like you. Your only friends will be the Leeches, BEWARE!!

The Free

I have heard tales of these honest folk who exist in the far reaches of some foreign shores, a shining light against a sea of ex-pat darkness. Few have actually seen them but tales of their wonder still act as a source of inspiration for those of us still searching for the true meaning that lies behind that of the ex-pat. They are the genuine article. The Free have succeeded in their attempts to live within a foreign land and still retain their sanity. They are nice, polite and will in no way try to influence you in a negative manner. The sort of people you would truly like to be you’re friends! I don’t believe The Free exist. These honest, candid and sincere ex-pats are merely a myth. They must be I’ve never met one!

The User

They come in all forms and will often beguile you with their similarities to The Free. But do not be fooled, as these are only the tools they use to befriend you and infiltrate your inner circle. Once they’ve discovered what your assets are they will then begin to feed and use what they can to their own advantage. They will suck you dry and leave you lifeless. You must be strong and resist the temptations they will put before you. The free drinks, the BBQs, the job offers, the nights out, none of these are worth losing you’re integrity over. The User’s are bright and clever at deception, only the strong will survive!!

The Alcoholic

The sad, pathetic face of the ex-pat community. No longer able to maintain their abusive behavior on home turf because they’ve drunk everything they decide to escape to pastures new where there is a never ending Eden of alcoholic beverages for them to consume. However sad they may be, The Alcoholic can actually be quiet friendly and humorous, even loyal if you’re wealthy enough to keep them in beer. They can also be really annoying when you’re out, as they will inevitably want to join you. Don’t say yes, make any kind of excuse you can or your evening will be hijacked. All will be well at first, until they reach their point of no return, then you will have a raving, swearing, aggressive loony sitting at your table, nice!!

The Discontented

Never happy where ever they are in the world they may as well have stayed where they were. They will moan, gripe and be scornful; not only about all other ex-pats but also about the place they have chosen to live. Local residents will despise them and secretly want to dispose of them. Steer well clear unless of course they happen to be family and then you’re done for or alternatively you could disown them. At least then the locals won’t hold you responsible for their constant discontentment.

The Old Farts

People who should have stayed in their care homes listening to Terry Wogan on BBC Radio 2 with their fellow inmates and their 24 hour on-call warden service. They are a drain on foreign health services and other ex-pats whom they befriend with their “I’ll be you’re surrogate granny and grandpa” ways and before you know it your popping in on the oldies every other day just to check they’re all OK and haven’t had a heart attack or fallen over and broken their hip. You’ll be taking them hot meals, calling them when the weathers bad, meeting up for drinks and one day you’ll suddenly realize what a burden of responsibility they’ve become. But hey, they’re laughing mate, because they’ve managed to convince some sucker to not only befriend them but take care of their everyday needs too and even better for them they don’t have to pay you for it. Avoid old ex-pats, they’re more trouble then they’re worth!

The Adhesives

Mainly a worry for the unsuspecting tourist and a mere annoyance to all other ex-pats, The Adhesives will form a bond with fresh-faced holiday-makers and then they’ll stick to them like glue throughout their entire stay. You’ll not be able to eat, drink, go to the beach or the pool without them by your side, giving you words of wisdom about where they live and generally making you feel sick to your stomach. But despite all this some of you will find yourselves coming back to your chosen holiday destination and doing it all over again. When will you learn!

The Abandoned

This last group are the misfits of the ex-pat community. Normally divorcee’s, these people already shunned by those back on home ground feel compelled to escape to foreign shores in the hope that their lonely lives may take a turn for the better. But no, it is not to be, for even those abroad can’t stand them. Their problem is simply this, they are too keen, too eager to please and too annoying. And so, they are destined to live a life of loneliness where ever they may wander. So desperate for some kind of social contact they will take part and do almost anything in order to achieve their aim, which is to make and maintain a friendship. This of course will never happen because they are The Abandoned and were shunned from society for a reason, they suck!!

Still interested in moving to that beautiful and exotic foreign location, I hope so because despite the fact that you will meet many of those mentioned above, there are probably many more just like them right where you live. So, cut your losses and move to a place where you don’t have to come into daily contact with the dregs of humanity and live the dream!

Hey, you might get lucky; you may even meet one of The Free or become one of them. Good luck to those of you still happy to make that move, you’ll need it!!