The Lostrodamus Horoscope

Aquarius Water Bearer 21 Jan – 19 Feb

Birthstone : Porcelain

Your natural tendency to skive comes under the spotlight this month. Spending an hour in the toilet at work every day will only highlight your shortcomings so it is probably best to masturbate in your own time for a while. Treat figures of authority with caution. Pulling the wool over your boss’ eyes should work well in most stuations.

Pisces Fish20Feb – 20 Mar

Birthstone : Gravel

Romance is in the air for starry eyed Pisceans. Try not to blow it (again) by getting drunk on the first date. A new strategy is called for – stay sober and get your date drunk. A free holiday is forecast. A complete stranger will telephone with the good news. You may have to attend a 12-hour seminar about Mediterranean bed-sits to collect.

Aries Ram 21Mar – 20 Apr

Birthstone : Pebble

Love-struck Rams may find relationships turning sour. This is common and should not be unduly worried about for Arians are natural misfits. Once your partner has wised up to you it’s best to avoid irritating them any longer with your personal habits and find a new one. Drinking Tia Maria will bring good luck this month.

Taurus Bull 21Apr – 21 May

Birthstone : Brick

Dull-witted Taurans will be feeling left out for the next few weeks. Everyone seems to be having a good time except you. They are, but try to stay positive during this difficult period. Drinking more alcohol will help to stave off feelings of uselessness and as an added bonus will enhance the attractiveness of people you would usually avoid.

Gemini Twins 22May – 21 Jun

Birthstone : Whet

A misunderstanding at work could go badly for you. Try to point out the difference between mere bad luck and incompetence. If this fails, then Aquarians make for excellent scapegoats. Meanwhile, unemployed Geminis can relax and enjoy late night television.

Lucky takeaway – Indian.

Cancer  Crab 22 Jun – 23 Jul

Birthstone : Shingle

Money matters come to a head this month. Friends will not rally round so don’t bore them with your troubles. Simply borrow money from any of your credit cards not at their limit and buy lottery tickets. If you win, great. If not, you will only be in the same dung heap you were in before.

Leo  Lion 24 Jul – 23 Aug

Birthstone : Kidney

The sun shines from your rear end more than usual in coming weeks thus enhancing your natural tendency to irritate others. Ignore any verbal abuse as witty rejoinders may only lead to violence. Saturn fades for you at the end of the month but fortunately Vodka rises to prominence.

Virgo Virgin 24 Aug – 23 Sep

Birthstone : Gall

A colleague will get a crush on you. Virgos are not natural lookers so take full advantage. Temporary pleasure is more important than far reaching consequences. “Live for today” is the cry of many Virgos – good advice, given your notoriously bad driving habits. Try to eat more peanuts.

Libra Scales24Sep – 23 Oct

Birthstone : Granite

Librans will have more free time this month. Neptune is ascendant as redundancy looms. Try not to worry as the welfare state will make sure you come to no undue hardship providing you have been careful not to accrue any assets, of course. Try to team up with Taurans who, by happy coincidence, will be looking for drinking partners.

Scorpio ScorpionOct – 22 Nov

Birthstone : Aggregate

A visit to the doctor is forecast. Scorpios have a surprising lack of taste, to say the least, and the habit of picking up dubious partners late at night can often lead to embarrassing medical complications. “Laughter is the best medicine,” it is often said, but in this case you will find antibiotics to be much more effective.

Sagittarius Archer23 Nov – 21 Dec

Birthstone : Flint

Nothing will happen. A very quiet month. Catch up on your loafing.

Capricorn Goat22 Dec – 20 Jan

Birthstone : Grit

Personal hygiene comes into focus with Uranus descending to new lows. Capricorns, notoriously lax over matters of cleanliness, should endeavour to visit the bathroom atleast once a week. You may not care what mottled, grey shade your underwear has become but if you are anticipating new sexual partners it would be wise to first determine that they are fellow Capricorns.