Image via Wikipedia

Opens with a scene of prehistoric earth as this is a current Hollywood trend.

Cavemen

Ooh shiny black things. Are you here to teach us?

Monolith Transformer

No we’re here to dumb down the human race.

Cut to Shanghai where everyone is walking around wearing face masks, so nothing unusual there. A team  of Autobots and humans come to hunt down the Decepticons. They fight, constantly transforming for no other reason than to show off the CGI. Somehow they think they can do all this in secret.

Female Transformers

We’re only here to try and sell to girls, we’re  completely useless in this movie.

Director Michael Bay

Doesn’t mean that I don’t respect women, now enough of the interesting Transformer stuff. where’s my human eye candy.

Mikaela

Hey just because I spend most of my scenes posing like a fashion model, doesn’t mean I’m not a serious character.

Sam

Hi darling, just calling to annoy you.

Mikaela

I like you. I would say love, but we need a bit of drama later.

Sam

That’s all I have to look forward to? I want some character development, where’s the script.

Director Michael Bay

Script? Just throw in some bad lines from other movies you remember. As for character development try going to college or something.

Mikaela

Great our character stories are going to be really interesting aren’t they.  I thought there were 3 writers on this film.

Part of the All Spark decides  to reactivate itself after two years for some reason. Turning dozens of small electrical appliances into Transformers, helpfully not transforming the cooker or tumble dryer which would be more deadly.

Bumblebee saves them.

Sam

Goodbye Bumblebee, don’t worry I no longer need your protection.

Bumblebee

But I just saved your life.

Sam’s Dad

That is why he needs a $40,000 a year education.

Sam heads to College where his mum would prefer him to sleep around, rather than be devoted to his girlfriend.

Roommate

Mind if I’m your annoyingly unnecessary buddy for the movie?

Sam

I don’t seem to have a choice, when it comes to characters Michael Bay goes for quantity not quality.

The Decepticons go to rescue Megatron, they do this with surprising ease considering it took  them two years to get around to it.

Megatron

What is your bidding Fallen?

Fallen

Do not insult me Darth.

Megatron

But that is your name my master.

Fallen

Yes of course, I’m not sure it’s a very inspiring name for a leader, maybe I should change it to Sidious.

Optimus Prime

Sam we need your help.

Sam

Why on earth do you need my help.

Optimus Prime

Well technically you should be asking why in the Galaxy? It’s not just an earth problem, the Decepticons are coming back to earth they want to harness the power of the sun. Can you believe this is just the short version of such a simple plot?  Sigh.

Sam

Well the film is interspersed with lots of loud noises to stop people going to sleep… wait a minute why don’t they use one of the other stars in the Galaxy? Stars aren’t in short supply.

Optimus Prime

Great, you really shouldn’t ask so many questions I have just stopped caring. Hi Megatron please kill me now.

Optimus dies, Sam is in such grief that he joins two annoying Transformers who both think they’re rappers.

Mudflap

Yo.

Skids

Yo.

Sam

He he.

Skids

Are you laughing at my ridiculous name.

Sam

No, I just remembered a fart joke.

Mikaela

You two are really going to damage Chevrolet sales.

Sam

No one really cares about our interactions we need some plot development.

OAP Transformer

Welcome to the museum, please do no touch anything.

Sam

We need your help to defeat the Decepticons and sell another Transformer figure.

OAP Transformer

What is that you say son? I need to emphasise again that I’m OLD.

Mikaela

But you can still transform into a powerful jet.

OAP Transformer

My memory isn’t what it was was so I can avoid logical questions. You should try forgetting logic as well. Now let me rattle on with some exposition, although reading the synopsis of the first film would probably do the job.

Film Critics

This plot is ridiculously flimsy.

Director Michael

Well it is basically one long toy commercial.

Film Critics

So were the the Star Wars prequels… maybe this film isn’t so bad.

Everyone comes to fight in the desert, with a set that looks very similar to the one in the first film. Still they do have the pyramids almost making the fight feel important.

Megatron

We must stop Sam getting to Optimus. I should get there first as I can fly to the moons of Saturn in just a few minutes.

Agent Simmons

I must climb to the top of this huge pyramid before ordering an aerial assault.

Audience

Wouldn’t that be safer from a distance?

Agent Simmons

Michael Bay is afraid that the film isn’t long enough. I think that’s why all the scenes of Mikaela running are done in slow motion.

Sam

No I’ll get there first despite dragging Mikaela along for no reason than to put her in jeopardy. I can even fit a boringly flat scene with my Dad which tries to be emotional.

OAP Transformer

As a Prime you’re the only one who can defeat the Fallen.

Optimus Prime

But I’ll be using your weapons to do it.

OAP Transformer

Don’t interrupt your elders.

After seemingly hours of pointless running around the final climatic fight lasts just 2 minutes.

Sam

Optimus can you end the film by saying something profound.?

Optimus Prime

No.

Sam

Sigh. Oh well I’m sure we’ll still have a sequel.