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UK Government Insists More Alcohol Will Cure Alcoholism

Published by Word smithy in Satire
September 2, 2009

Pubs and clubs in the UK are failing the UK government in its attempt to curb alcohol-related bad behaviour, by closing too early, a government report has revealed.

The report shows that alcohol-related bad behaviour is the fault of pubs and clubs that fail to open for 24-hours.

Only four per cent of premises opt to open round the clock, with more than half still closing at 11pm which the government says is an infringement to human rights.

The report shows that alcohol-related violence at night hasn’t changed since the start of 24-hour opening, although it admits there was an increase in attacks between 3am and 6am.

The UK Culture Secretary said: “The overall increase in alcohol-related good behaviour we wanted to see across the country has not materialised consistently in all areas because pubs and clubs don’t stay open long enough.”

He said that “dry spots” would be identified in which police and local authorities would be given the power to open bars that insisted on shutting.

A “yellow card, red card” system would be introduced for premises that failed to remain open all hours.

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