Image source http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/J/S/2/xmen2pubr.jpg

Opens with Night crawler charging through the White House beating up guards, in a sequence that’s better  than all the combined action of the first film.

Audience

Alright!

None of the guards die.

Night crawler

Good I won’t have to feel guilty later.

A guard  manages to graze Night Crawlers arm with a bullet.

Night crawler

Ow,  ooh that somehow jogged my memory. Better go.

Wolverine returns to the mutant school after a wasted journey, which thankfully happened in between films.

Wolverine

You’re bikes out of gas, and has a lot more miles on the clock. Oh and I’m sorry about the suspension, I’m a lot heavier than you.

Cyclops

Despite my irritation I will enjoy every line I have.

Cyclops and Xavier go to visit Magneto..Xavier gets gassed and Cyclops gets knocked out more or less for good as far as the films are concerned. Soldiers invade the school. Luckily for them it is the best time they possibly could.

Soldier

Good job there’s no lightning yielding women around here. That would really put a dampener on our air assault.

Wolverine

Well I have metal claws.

Soldier

Metal claws ahh!

Wolverine takes out half a battalion of soldiers in a savage butcher like way. The film is rated a 12.

Director Bryan Singer

Cool.  Oh and remember kids knives are not cool.

Rogue

Is that enough of the Wolverine slashing for us to escape now?

Wolverine

Ummmm I’d quite like a brief chat with Stryker first.

Stryker

Hi.

Wolverine

Ummm.

Stryker

Hmm best to leave the revelations till the end of the film. I will let you escape now.

Wolverine

OK chow bub.

Pyro

Shall we hunted mutants running for our lives take this conspicuous car with dodgy doors.

Wolverine

Sounds good to me.

Dr Gray

Hey Night crawler want to come with us.

Night crawler

Yeh why not?

Wolverine

Screen time, screen time lalalalala.

Cyclops

Don’t rub it in.

Bobby’s dad

What exactly are you professor of?

Wolverine

Art.

Pyro

You should see how he makes marks with his claws, very stylised.

Rogue

Just please don’t ever cut your way through a door by making an X shape.

Bobby’s brother calls the cops, neglecting to tell them his house is filled with ice wielding mutants. The cops get beaten up but none of them die.

Wolverine

Morally convenient. I like it.

After some business with the US air force the X Men have a cosy camp fire with Magneto.

Storm

Anyone got some marshmallows?

Dr Gray

Shouldn’t the air force still be looking for us?

Magneto

Just go with it. I have some exposition to get through and Bryan Singer doesn’t want the audience to get bored.

They fly to Stryker’s base. Wolverine (Mystique) walks up to door and attempts to get in by posing.

Sargent Lyman

Shall I let your dangerous unstoppable mutant in sir?

Stryker

Absolutely, what could go wrong?

The X men enter Stryker’s base dramatically (off screen)

Stryker

Right you’re the last of my soldiers left alive so I want you to guard cerebro.

Sargent Lyman

What about leaving Lady Death Strike with us?

Stryker

She’s no use against Magneto, she’s made of metal.

Sargent Lyman

But so are our guns and grenades.

Stryker

OK then bye bye now.

Magneto takes over cerebro and gets Professor Xavier to target humans.

Professor Xavier

But don’t I consider mutants humans as well?

Magneto

Just target the ones without powers, the mutants and Jack Bower. I’m not at all like Hitler, honest.

Stryker

Death Strike is the most powerful weapon in the universe I suggest we use it.

Lady Death Strike

Actually I’ll use myself whilst you run away. Just keep your adamantium bullets handy in case I fail.

Stryker

I used to think you were one of a kind… well you and your brother. How is Sabretooth these days? Has he got around to a hand manicure yet?

Wolverine

Wait a minute your Lady Death Strike? Wow you’ve lost a lot of weight.

Lady Death Strike

You mentioned my weight problem, you are so dead!

Wolverine and Death Strike fight, helpfully avoiding stabs through the head, as that would end the fight pretty quickly. Of course Wolverine eventually wins.

Dr Gray

We’ve  got to stop the professor.

Storm

Good idea. Night crawler beam us in.

Dr Gray

But I’m the only one who can establish a mental link with Xavier.

Storm

I just need more to do, OK?

They beam into Cerebro.

Storm

Tonight’s forecast a freeze is coming.

The X Men escape but the dam ruptures and the X jet is about to get drowned.

Audience

Can’t Ice Man freeze the water?

 

Ice Man

Are you kidding, have you seen how much there is?

Dr Gray

OK I’ll sort it out, I need more character development.

Later in the White House.

Professor Xavier

We’re not here to threaten you, but we are.

 

President

O…K

Professor Xavier

Hmmm nice to be back at the school,  I’ll smile as I sense the Phoenix, even though I’m terrified of her in the sequel.

Dr Gray

Ooh I’m making a phoenix shape in the water. I can’t wait to be the central character of the next film.

Wolverine

WHAT? We can’t have that. Bryan why don’t you go and direct the new superman film, even though it would be a really stupid idea.

Director Bryan Singer

Good idea.

Phoenix

Nooooooooooooooo!

For more of my parody scripts and other pieces go to https://www.triond.com/users/Nathan+Grace