Image source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:XMen1poster.jpg

Opens with a young Magneto in a  Nazi concentration camp.

Audience

Good Bryan Singer is taking the material seriously and making a commentary on discrimination in society.

Cut to Rogue having a disastrous kissing moment in a Dawson Creek like scene.

Audience

Ummmm.

Cut to Wolverine in a cage fight.

Audience

Oooh  good Wolverine, I think I’ll just enjoy the film now and analyse it later.

Wolverine

Growl.

Rogue

You seem like a good guy to make friends with. My name is Rogue and my character will not be as interesting as it was in the comics.

Wolverine

My name is Wolverine these films are all about me.

Magneto, resenting Wolverines screen time, sends Sabretooth to kill him.

Sabretooth

Meow.

Wolverine

Growl.

Sabretooth

Hissssssssssss!

Wolverine

Ow!

Cyclops and Storm rescue them in a rather dull action moment.

Professor Xavier

I sense this film needed a bigger budget. Even so thanks for having us your guest stars Wolverine. I’m Charles Xavier a telepath. The useful type not the babbling counsellor type.

Wolverine

How many more people do we have to meet? This is taking up some of my screen time..

Professor Xavier

There are a lot of mutants in the world. Thankfully only four of them have turned towards evil intent.

Wolverine

How do you fund this school?

Professor Xavier

That mystery is greater than mutation itself. This school has hundreds of students, unfortunately by the time of the third film only three of them will be X Men. We’re working on ways to improve our teaching methods.

Wolverine goes to have his body examined by Dr Gray.

Wolverine

Fancy flirting?

Dr Gray

No… well maybe a little.

Cyclops

Cough.

Dr Gray

I meant no, absolutely not.

Cyclops

Wolverine let me take this opportunity to say some stupid lines which will make the audience hate me.

Wolverine

Right… and you think you can be a lead in an X Men film.

Senator Kelly boards a helicopter and has a confidence he really shouldn’t feel.

Senator Kelly

I’m willing to make an enemy of mutants, the most dangerous group in the history of mankind. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Toad

Hello I’m Toad. I considered being called Frog, but Toad sounds more disgusting.

Senator Kelly

Yeah but neither eat birds, ewww.

Magneto

I’m going to use this weird looking machine. It will most likely kill you, but I’m hoping for something plot enhancing.

Senator Kelly

Will it look spectacular?

Magneto

No.

Senator Kelly escapes and turns up as a mutant on a crowded beach. Despite all the attention he manages to secretly get to Xaviers school.

Storm, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Dr Gray, Wolverine

Hahaha

Senator Kelly

Don’t you have any sympathy?

Storm, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Dr Gray, Wolverine

No!

Wolverine

Rogue seems to have run off. Do you think she took my stabbing of her personally?

Professor Xavier

I’ll use Cerebro to find her.

Cyclops

Looks like astro metrics.

Professor Xavier

Just beam, I mean go to the train station and get her.

 

 

Magneto

I know the metal on your bones is neither steel or iron but I’m still going to Magneto your ass.

Wolverine

Your name is misleading.

Magneto completely wipes the floor with Wolverine, showing that our chief hero is completely useless against the chief villain.

Dr Gray

The professor’s hurt I will use Cerebro to find Rogue.

 

Wolverine

What if Magneto’s hiding her mind with a helmet as well?

Dr Gray

Ummm…

Cyclops

What if it causes another dangerous mutation in you.

Dr Gray

Seems unlikely.

The X Men head to stop Magneto at the Statue of Liberty. Very subtle. They get into a few minor fights.

Toad

Let me do a Darth Maul twirl.

Star Wars fans

Hehehe excellent.

Storm

I’m going to torture you with an awful one liner about toads and lightning.

Toad

Please, please kill me now.

Mystique

I’m going to fight you?  Even though you heal as soon as I cause any damage, how pointless.

Wolverine

Yeh but it gives me a fight scene.

After they’ve defeated the goons, Magneto captures the entire X Men team in 30 seconds.

Dr Gray

If you had done that 10 minutes ago you could have saved Toad and Mystique a lot of trouble.

Magneto

Yeh, well now your kind of restrained, I’m going to carry out the next stage of my plan.

Wolverine escapes and has another fight with Sabretooth which has been given a little bit more money.

Cyclops

We need to get up to that torch.

Wolverine

Send me. I’m the only one who’s completely useless against Magneto.

Cyclops

Makes sense.

Wolverine manages to stop Magneto and save Rogues life. What a guy.

 

Wolverine

I didn’t really need the others help, honest. Now professor I need answers.

 

Professor Xavier

Here you go Logan, some directions to the sequel. Or you could just wait a few years longer for your origins film.

For more parody scripts go to http://www.purpleslinky.com/writers/Nathan%20Grace.130165

http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/the-difference-between-a-star-trek-fan-and-a-trekky/

http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/star-trek-credit-crunch/