Opens with little Jimmy in an old mansion.

 

Audience

Jimmy? Thank goodness he changed his name to Wolverine.

 

Little Jimmy kills a stranger who is actually his father.

 

Little Jimmy

No that’s not true that’s impOOssible.

 

Darth Stranger

Search your feelings you know it to be true.

 

Little Jimmy

Nooooooooooo!

 

Little Jimmy runs out into the night. The film goes into a montage of Jimmy and Victor fighting in several wars.  Despite the illogic of not air dropping this invincible pair into Berlin to end the war, this is very entertaining. In fact we would like to see more. Instead we have 15 minutes of Wolverine chopping wood in Canada.

 

 

Jimmy

I’m so happy, even with the nightmares. Sorry about almost stabbing you in my sleep.

 

Kayla Silverfox

That’s OK darling. Shame I don’t have any telepathic powers that could stop your nightmares and keep me from harm.

 

Kayla gets ‘killed’ by Sabretooth. Wolverine screams no as the camera pulls away from him. The audience tries to forget this as quickly as possible.

 

Stryker

Your not powerful enough to defeat Sabretooth, so lets stick some metal on your bones and hope you don’t die. It is the same metal we stole from that village we slaughtered, but there’s no need to feel guilty like you did back then.

 

Jimmy

Sure no problem. I would also like to change my name to Wolverine.

 

Stryker

Good idea Jimmy.

 

Wolverine almost dies, but survives and has his entire skeleton covered in adamantium in just 3 minutes

 

Stryker

That was quick. Right now wipe his memory.

 

Zero

Wouldn’t it have been better to do that before making him invincible?

 

Wolverine hears Stryker underwater, and escapes naked. Because Director Gavin Hood is worried he isn’t doing enough to please the female audience.

 

Stryker

Hunt him down.

 

Zero

So you want me to shoot down a man we’ve just made impervious to bullets?

 

Stryker

Yep.

 

Zero

Your not holding back any adamantium bullets from me are you? I don’t want to sound paranoid but a name like Zero doesn’t do much for my self esteem.

 

Stryker

No, no of course not.

 

Zero

OK, what could go wrong?

 

Wolverine runs across Mr and Mrs Kent on their farm.

 

Wolverine

Thanks for feeding and clothing me even though I’m clearly dangerous. Still I can’t be as scary as that Marland Brando head that keeps trying to talk to me.

 

Mr Kent

 Yeh I can’t get him to shut up. Here have my sons old jacket he prefers wearing red capes these days.

 

Zero comes to kill Wolverine but apparently having metal on your bones also makes your muscles stronger.

 

Audience

Wow this film sure has a lot of action.

 

Director Gavin Hood

I’m trying to make sure it’s not as boring as Watchmen.

 

Audience

Thank you, thank you.

 

Wolverine

I can’t believe you killed that old couple. Still at least I got a nice bike out of it.

 

Director Gavin Hood decides its time for a boxing match to show Wolverine as the plucky under dog.

 

Audience

Sigh, just show us Gambit already.

 

Gambit

I was put into the trailer to excite the loyal fans. I’m not at all important to the film.

 

Wolverine

Why on earth did you interrupt my fight? I could have killed Sabretooth.

 

Gambit

Good question, I’ll help you now to make up for it.

 

They go to Strykers research island. Where a bunch of mutants with poor motives are helping him.

 

Stryker

Your wife is not dead.

 

Wolverine

Cool, I mean ohhh I’m so conflicted.

 

Wolverine frees the over mutants among them is Cyclops.

 

Cyclops

Yeah screen time. I get to do something useful.

 

Wolverine

I…

 

Kayla Silverfox

Shhh don’t say anything within the earshot of Cyclops.

 

Wolverine

Oh yeah sorry.

 

Stryker sends a remote controlled Wade to kill Wolverine.

 

Wade

I have the powers of ten mutants. However I’ve lost my original power of super fast reflexes.

 

Sabretooth

Lucky for us.

 

Wolverine

You’ve come to help me brother?

 

Sabretooth

I’ll be your friend. I’ll help you carry on. Lean on me.

 

Wolverine

Well could you define your character please, I don’t want you trying to kill me again in the next film.

 

Stryker

Die, Die!

 

Scientist

Aren’t you worried that all this fighting could cause a Chinobal like disaster.

 

Stryker

I’m pretty sure this film is set before 1989.

 

Scientist

Oh…. well never mind.

 

Wolverine and Sabretooth defeat Wade. Sabretooth jumps down from the tower apparently causing him to become mute and forget Wolverine is his brother.

 

George Lucas

You should wipe the droids… I mean Sabretooth’s memory as well.

 

Director Gavin Hood

Don’t I need to have an explanation for that?

 

George Lucas

Nah.

 

Stryker shoots Wolverine with Adamantium bullets somehow knowing this will cause amnesia.

 

Stryker

I really should have given this gun to Wade.

Wolverine wakes up with amnesia but no other brain damage. He forgets Kayla and so does the audience.

 

Gambit

Convenient.

 

Wolverine

Get lost.

 

Gambit

But I’m the only one who has any idea who you are.

 

Wolverine

Don’t complicate things. Besides I think the mystery could really work for my character. Until people see this film anyway.

 

Professor Xavier

Scott I want you to become a pupil at my school. Thankfully your eyes are bandaged, so you don’t see me looking like Gollum. Even my mental powers can’t comprehend why they didn’t just show the back of my head.

 

Cyclops

Thanks a lot! This has brought my character full circle as well. I was really hoping for my own origins film.

 

For more parody scripts go to http://www.purpleslinky.com/writers/Nathan%20Grace.130165

 

For more of my writing go to my home page https://www.triond.com/users/Nathan+Grace