OK, there I was, thinking of new ways to take over the world when suddenly I realized the overwhelming danger of taking showers. I decided it would be pertinent to share in the name of public safety some precautions you should take and list some things you should never do when taking a shower.

This list has been approved by the International Shower Safety Coalition, dedicated to stopping the needless shower crimes world wide.
Without further delay let’s start the list.

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You should never take a shower with a running power internal combustion engine lawn mower in the bathroom. The fumes of carbon monoxide mixed with the molecule density changes altered by the steam in the bathroom will enter your nasal cavity and you will die.

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You should never try to start a campfire in the shower. The wood will get wet and the fire will not ignite, you will become frustrated and eventually your back will give out from repeated attempts to start said fire, you will lose balance due to uneven equilibrium pressure, slip, crack your skull and the side of the tub and you will bleed to death. After this you will die.

You should never try to start a fire in the shower, subsection B. After failed attempts at starting a fire in the shower (If you are still alive) you decide technology is needed. So you try to use a curling iron to start the fire; after several failed attempts you feel light headed, feel the balance loss, grab the curling iron with your free hand, and fall. The curling iron will now poke you in the eye and while you feel searing pain you are only semi-conscious, the curling iron melts through your eye into your brain and you subsequently die.

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Never try the old Italian way of making wine when you are taking a shower. Stomping the grapes will increase your heart rate, the shower steam will add to this affect, you will become light headed. Whilst this is taking place, uncrushed grapes will plug the drain; you will slip on the grapes, you will fall with a crashing boom. At this point you either have a broken neck a broken arm, a broken hip or leg and a concussion. You will now drown. After this, you will die.

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Installing an electrical 220 Volt common household appliance outlet into the side of your shower. This can never be good; as we all know that water conducts electricity. This is a recipe for disaster. At the very least you will be electrocuted, die float in the tub like a piece of burnt toast, then you will die. At best you will have a glass shower door, the convulsions from being electrocuted will make you spasm against the glass, you will break it, slice you fingers off, then continue the downward motion, get decapitated. After this you will die.

Never have a plugged in television set with the back off placed close to your shower. This will every single time prove to be too tempting not to touch. At the minimum you will become electrocuted, and subsequently die. At the worst case, a capacitor will explode and shoot through your neck, upper palate, through you brain and out the top of your skull, and then you will die.

You should never read the newspaper in the shower. The paper will fall apart, the ink will run, and when the paper separates, your hands will forcibly move in opposite directions, you will at minimum break a wrist or hand. If you are lucky enough, again you will have the glass shower door to factor in, and will slice your wrist. While not immediately causing death, if you are this stupid, you probably can’t read to begin with and operating a telephone probably exceeds your cognitive abilities. Not just that but you would probably call information to get the number for 911. Chances are you will bleed out. After this, you die.

You should never try to iron your clothes when you are taking a shower, it just won’t work. You may not die but you still can probably find a way because if you are stupid enough to attempt this act, you are obviously an idiot.

You should never try to paint water colors when you are taking a shower. The colors will run and this is so idiotic even your imaginary friend is laughing hysterically at you. If this happens, you are in serious trouble. Get out of the shower and switch to crayons.

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Never try to clean a carburetor in the shower. The solvent will get in your eyes, the soap and water will destroy the jest in the carburetor.

Honorable mention, never try to eat a bowl of cereal or salad in the shower, and never ride a motorcycle in the shower or change the oil, just don’t do it, and don’t try to smoke a cigarette either.

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