Today, Sifu will explain you five technique for deliver serious pain to you enemy using only you bare hands. Sifu not care that these techniques are call cheating; there are no rules in a real fight, and this is the nastiness it take to win.

Stick your thumb in his eye

That right Laui; no matter how big and hard him biceps, him eyeball is always soft. Take you thumb and jam it in him eye socket. Now, for to prevent you evil mugger enemy from escape, grab him ear and face with you other fingers of hand. When you have him secure and whimpering, wiggle you thumb. Go on Laui, wiggle it! You can get you thumb right in there, deep as you knuckle, without permanently harm you enemy, but him will sure know about it in the morning.

Grab him bythe cojones

That’s Spanish Laui talk for balls, Laui. That right, girly Laui, grab you wannabe rapist by the gonads. Get a good handful and twist as you squeeze, perhaps at the same time wiggling you thumb in him eye. Sifu don’t need to explain no more; the fight is over and you enemy is wish him stay home that night instead of go out look for victim.

Jam a cigarette up his nose

Sometimes people ask Sifu, “If you so martial arts and spiritual, why you smoke?” Well, Laui, a cigarette is a weapon. Just stick it right up you opponent nose and leave it there. While he is scream and cry, punch him in the face; game over, mugger.

The seated uppercut to the balls

This is Sifu’s favourite. Sifu was once in Chinese army. One day while polishing him boots, Sifu is confront by regimental bully. Bully is after you Sifu’s nice shiny boots, for to spoil the shiny shine. You what Sifu do? Sifu not even stand up, him just give bully uppercut in the balls. From sitting on chair, you are in perfect position to bust him nuts right up into him body. Instinctively you enemy will clench him knees together, which will only expose certain nerve points to the upwards thrust of you angry fist. These nerve points, combine with crushing impact of knuckles on balls, will cause opponent to crap him pants. On occasion in question, regimental bully was crawl away, clutching him balls and him ass. Sometime later, bully limp back, shake Sifu by the hand and thank him for clearing out constipation.

Use his head for a basketball

For this one, Sifu is assume all Laui know how to execute a throw, sweep kick or some kinda takedown. How you do that is up to you, Laui; it can be as simple as Aikido head-tilt (where Laui is grab mugging opponent by the jaw and the back of the skull, lift him up on him tippy-toes and tilt him head so him look up at the sky). Now, instead of lower opponent gently to the ground or release him to fall with gravity, keep you hold on and follow him down. To merely stun and maim, bounce you opponent head off you knee or choose convenient object such as nearby table. To kill, drop you body weight and smack him skull off the pavement. Instant and nasty; fight is over, Laui, and you have won.

The world shall hear from me again!