So, I managed to shock the hell out of my mother the other night.  What, like I’m the ONLY straight woman who has ever said she’d be willing to lick Tia Carrere?  I mean, LOOK at her-the woman is walking perfection.  And I bet she tastes like cinnamon….anyway, I only meant I’d lick her face or something.  I mean, now that I think about it I’d probably be willing to lick some kind of dessert off of her fingers.  That would be fun.  And, there’d be chocolate involved.  But it’s not like I’m running out and buying six plaid shirts and a wallet on a chain and getting a crew cut.  Rest assured mom-I am not batting for the other team. 

Mom is weird about anything that even hints of being gay.  Which is a little odd considering she watches all of those home decorating shows.  If it weren’t for gay men that entire TV genre would be nonexistant.  I think mom just needs to have a couple of good gay friends and she’d get over her paranoia.  Gay men make the best girlfriends EVER-and they’ll TELL you if your ass looks fat in a pair of jeans. 

My mom tried to tell me once that she didn’t know any gay people.  Which is a little ridiculous considering that a woman who used to babysit my handicapped brother was very….VERY gay.  So when she told me she didn’t know ANY gay people at all, I immediately said , “You do so!  Leah was gay, and you LOVED her!  We were going to have her move in with us and help take care of him before he died.”  She says “Well I didn’t KNOW Leah was gay.”  I said “Oh come ON!  Helen Friggin’ Keller could have told Leah was gay!  I mean, break it down Mom.  She drove a full size pickup.  She wore men’s Wranglers and cowboy boots and she didn’t own a freakin’ horse.  She got her hair cut at a barber shop.  She never, in all the time you knew her had a boyfriend.  She had shoulders like a linebacker.  And that cute little blonde secretary at school left her husband and moved in with Leah-what did you think THAT was about?” 

Mom’s response to this was to put her hands over her ears and start singing “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA…..”  Oh yeah, that’s very forward thinking.

I sang in a gay cabaret show once.  I totally did.   I had more fun doing that show-it was great.  A lot of my theatre friends in Springfield belonged to the Gay and Lesbian Organization and the show was a fund raiser for their community center, so I sang in it to help out.  The audience was absolutely fantastic-everyone there was having a great time and I got to wear an evening gown and sing Peggy Lee, so of course I was happy. (I sang “Do Right”-the song Jessica Rabbit sang in case you’re wondering.  I can sing the HELL out of that song.)  I got hit on a lot too-unfortunately it wasn’t by men.  Not that I minded at all-it’s just that I like men.  If I was getting that many offers from men to go out, I wouldn’t have had to pay for dinner for a month.  I was assured by one woman there that if I ever crossed over, I’d never spend another lonely night.  She told me that it was “such a waste” that I wasn’t a lesbian, or at least bi.  I know a couple of men who would agree with her on that count.

See, I’ve never fully understood men wanting all of us to be lesbians.  I get the whole concept that “One naked chick=good, so therefore two naked chicks=even better!”, but I just can’t help but think that you guys aren’t thinking this thing through.  Because if we all like each other, then you men are automatically excluded from the equation.  See how that works?  You know, contrary to popular belief, lesbians do NOT have a secret burning desire for you all to watch them have sex.  I know you’d like to believe that, but I’ve talked to quite a few of them, and it simply isn’t true.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m the meanest woman in the world to burst your bubble about that.  Well, while I’m disenchanting the hell out of you, I might as well pull out all the stops.  Everything you ever saw in porn was a lie.  Everything.  EVERYTHING.  Yes, even that.  Yep, the one about the sexy librarian too.  And the car wash.  And the double jointed pizza delivery girl.  ALL of them.  Never happened.  Not even once.  IT’S ALL LIES.

And sixteen year old girls do not practice french kissing with their hot best friends. 

Yeah yeah, I know-you have nothing to live for.  I’m not worried-you’re a resiliant species.  You’ll bounce back.