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The Weird, Strange and Bizarre Things She Wants From Me
What did the Dumb Blonde do when she heard that ninety percent of the accidents occur around the home?
Dear Mrs A. Green,
Greeting you is entirely unnecessary – after all, you are solely writing on Triond to admire My Greatness -, but nevertheless… being a Well Educated Fellow, I do meet & greet you here. Also because I am convinced you will recognize My Greatness immediately and obediently drop whatever you are doing to read this Answer of Mine to your little article Beyond Weird: Strange and Bizarre Letters Writers Receive at Triond.
Indeed, it is my Pleasure to inform you that I am the One & Only Writer on Triond who knows what you want. That’s because I can see you all through the Shew Stone of Good Old Doctor Dee, as I already have demonstrated in my Poem Why Is This Dumb Blonde Throwing Breadcrumbs Into The Toilet? (Beware! It’s not you I’m talking about here, it’s this other… I mean it’s this Real Dumb Blonde who is hiding behind the Nickname of Patrick Bernauw, pretending he’s a genuine male!)
Indeed, I can see you all, spending your days in Housecoat & Slippers, eating Cheesies! (For example, this Dumb Blonde waitress had an appointment after work with her gynaecologist, and the doctor was shocked when he found a tea bag inside her. “Oh shit!” the Blonde said. “I wonder what I served my customer!”)
Indeed, I have the Psychic Powers to read your mind… and to know what you want! (Another example… One Dumb Blonde to another: “Do you smoke after sex?” – “I don’t know. I never look.”)
So… Yo, Write!
Image via Wikipedia
As the fellow above did. BTW, what’s his name?
Dear Mrs A. Green,
Do yourself a Very Big Favor & comment my Latest Poems, have them Dugg, Reddited & Nitwitterd about. If you know what’s good for you (like I do!), then Buzz them Up & don’t forget to have them Facebooked too!
Do I sound slightly sinister to you? Do you think this Message of Mine has a threatening edge, reminding you of Organized Crime? Mafia Wars? Murder & Mystery or even Out-and-Out Weird & Bizarre Alternate Reality Games?
Well, you’re probably right. Maybe you will not be liquidated if you don’t do what I told you to do, but you sure will get SUed!
Of course, I do hope this will not be necessary. Since you are no DumDumBlonde, and Triond is after all some kind of Dating Portal too, I want to be Your Friend. So, you may comment Me & you may correspond to Me, knowing now I am Truly the One & Only, “a special someone” as you like to say it. (And I have to admit, I’ve got me a life – even more than one! – but I still keep lurking around the world wide web, ever dreaming of a liaison with a writer who is as literate as I am.)
So, Mrs Green, why don’t you join my Hot Business Opportunity? Believe me, you will be glad you did! After all, you don’t want to go to the library and check out the book called “How To Hug”, do you? (**)
Yours Truly,
The One & Only
Image via Wikipedia
(*) She moved!
(**) No, you will not come home with Volume 7 of the encyclopaedia!
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15 Comments
Nice work…Nice research..
nice..i licked it
??????????? Well, that went clean over MY head!
@Steve666… Yes, I cam imagine.
Somebodies a bit turned on!
Well, I don’t know about turned on….but yes, definately tuned in. Another link to the mystery of the Dumbest of Dumb Blondes Syndrome Series. Cool piece!
Hello,
I don’t know why you would assume that I was talking about any letter in particular because I made it clear in my article that I was giving examples of the types of letters writers receive.
Now, as many at Triond know, I try to help writers and when someone writes me asking for advice, I try to help. I also bookmark good quality articles to help to promote others’ work.
Because I write full time, I cannot spend the time it would take to read through hundreds of articles.
If you feel I was somehow targeting you, you are mistaken and I will state again, as I did in my article, that it was A LIGHTHEARTED LOOK at letters, Most people GRASPED that concept.
If you think that by writing this type of article, piggybacking off of my article, you will gain a following on Triond, you are mistaken. We are a close bunch here and respect those who work hard and who do not try to gain readers by using someone else’s article to stir up controversy.
Reading through your article again, I have to admit, it was downright funny! And I want to thank you for linking to my article. So . . . you aren’t the out-and-out cad I first thought.
I received a private letter that was threatening and the person said he was going to sue because of my Strange Letter article. When I saw this article, I thought you might be the same individual, but, in trying to be fair. You may not be.
Hi Athlyn,
Don’t get upset by this Chris Marlowe II. In his terminology, getting SUed isn’t quite the same as getting sued. Getting SUed can also mean… getting Stumbled Upon.
You have been Nitwitterd about too, I’m afraid.
And… help!… Dugg Up!
Buzzed!
He simply is, well… Nuts. Calls himself the Troll from Triond and is stalking me… and some other writers here, such as Lauren Axelrod, and Lucas Dié.
But I do believe he is harmless. And something like a social worker too.
Hi Patrick,
I got the SUed part. His article is quite funny and well-written.
I had gotten a private letter where someone seemed very upset and said their lawyers would be contacting me, so at first blush, I thought this might be Chris Marlowe II.
You know, it’s funny you mention Troll because that’s what this reminds me of.
And Chris II, if this is all in fun, I won’t send you to the naughty chair!
Dear Mrs Green,
I wouldn’t mind to be on the naughty chair with you!
Yours Truly,
the One & Only
Hi,
Chris/Patrick,
Well, me thinks there’s a gentleman underneath those good-looking locks! And I won’t “SU” you this time!
well, well, well, we did have a go round here. but I see you have it all straightened our. Good for you both.
Wow Mr. Green….you give triond such high grades….When’s your classic triond literature of letters coming out….that’s the next great comic series I’ll purchase at Barnes And Nobles and carry it around like a bible from the planet triond. I didn’t realize you were so prolific and a famed man of letters. Write me one…..Autograph it and I’ll frame it, and hang it over my reading comode. Can’t Wait!
lol very good! she seems to be turned on!