First things first.  Check the age of your car  -  Less than five years old?  This won’t do.  You need a vehicle that has been clattering around country lanes for at least 15 years.  An investigation of the local fields may unearth a suitable vehicle.  Tax?  Insurance?  Driver’s licence?  Or indeed any previous experience of driving (other than a tractor)?  Not strictly necessary.  Sure, you’ll pick it up as you go along.

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Inspect your vehicle for scrapes and blemishes.  What do you mean it’s pristine?  No, no, no.  Get a big bucket of dirt and give your hubcaps and windscreen a mud-bath.  Any remaining muck you can chuck around inside the car.  Check the back seat is covered with straw, oil stains, plenty of broken tractor parts and a couple of old sheepdogs and you’re ready to set off.  Make sure the radio is tuned to Country FM.  A bit of Garth Brooks is just the thing.

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Should you meet a neighbour, be sure to stop right there in the road (under no circumstances should you pull over).  Just wind down the window and shoot the breeze for a while about sheep dip and the price of cattle feed.  The chit-chat should not end until there are at least three cars behind you waiting to pass.

If you find yourself driving on a main road (ie, one with white markings and road signs) you must drive at least 20 miles per hour under the speed limit.  Again, no pulling over to allow those eejit-drivers-who-want-to-race-madly-all-over-the-place to pass.

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When turning, the use of indicators is entirely optional.  The best, and most tried and tested method (incurring only the occasional collision)  is to just slow, slow, slow.  Brake if you feel the need.  But since the brake lights shouldn’t be working (as it would contravene all country codes), this will offer no warning to the car behind.  Which is as it should be.  Then just turn, turn, turn, no need to rush ….

In small country ‘towns’ (one street, 5 pubs, 2047 tractors) you should never attempt to park your vehicle with any consideration for others.  The recommended procedure is to pull up outside the shop or business (ok, let’s not pretend here  -  pub) that you wish to visit, and simply stop your car on the road.  No parking techniques needed.  The further your rear end is sticking out into the road the better – more chance of getting those authentic bumps and scratches.

If it appears necessary to park among those pesky white lines which designate ‘parking spaces’ (where do they think we are – feckin’ Dublin?), then it is compulsory to park diagonally ensuring two spaces are rendered unavailable.  Especially if they are the last two free spaces.

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Should you find yourself driving in an unfamiliar bit of Irish countryside, throw away your road map.  The Irish road planning authorities have cunningly devised a system in which the road signs bear no relation to any map that has ever been printed.  And unless you know the name of every field (didn’t you know fields had names?) and boreen (small lane), and who lives in every house within a 10 mile radius, don’t even think about asking for directions.

Happy Motoring!