Now let me just say straight off the bat, I love Scotland. I am as patriotic as the next man. I love the beautiful scenery, the warmth of the people and yes, even the long drawn out winter’s which run from September until May. OK, so that was an exaggeration, but you get the point. Scotland is a place full of so many contradictions, it still cant figure out exactly what it is. For those who do not know, Scotland is the most northern country in the UK. For years now we have prided ourselves on the motto “the best small country in the world,” which we only really believe when we are talking to outsiders. Scottish people will talk Scotland up like its heaven to a foreigner, yet when we chat to other natives we do nothing but moan, about absolutely everything!.  It’s either the football, the crime rate,  or Scotland’s biggest and most frequent grumble, the weather. Let’s look at this complaint more closely.

The Weather:

A fantastic Scottish stand-up, Frankie Boyle, once said, “Scottish people have mixed feelings about global warming causing sea-levels to rise, because then we can sit on our mountains and watch the English drown,” and he was right. But this is not our main reason for welcoming global warming.  In Scotland we only have the three season’s, winter, spring and autumn. Sure, summer sometimes makes a fleeting appearance, but usually it’s not even noteworthy. In fact this year it was on a Tuesday. This is why global warming is seen as Scotland’s bail-out. Enviro-mentalists say global warming will melt the polar ice-caps and make polar bears extinct, but i think they are already in trouble. In fact, and this is indeed a proven fact, the only reason Sarah Palin (remember her?) finally accepted global warming was happening was so she had an excuse to hunt the bears.  ”Em, well they are gonna die out anyway so we might as well put them out of their misery.” OK, this may not be a “proven fact,” but it’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  You may all be thinking that this seems selfish of me and not very considerate, but please, before judging me, consider the brain-freeze, lack of daylight and skin so pale that I’m almost transparent syndrome, or as it’s more commonly known, being Scottish. So should we be using polar bears to heat Scotland? Well obviously not literally but if it means i can wear a t-shirt at least once a year, get me my gun and Sarh Palin’s number.