Most major cities have extensive underground subway systems: New York, London, and Toronto just to name a few. Riding on the subway is usually a fun experience, but it can also be dangerous if you don’t know the important basic rules. Here’s how to make your underground transit experience both enjoyable and non-lethal.

As you enter a subway station and pay the exorbitant fare, expect the ticket clerk to glare at you in a hostile manner, as if you’d just stabbed their grandmother in the face. Do not be alarmed: this is normal procedure for all transit employees who love you and do not ever think about pushing tourists onto the tracks in front of oncoming subway trains.

If you need to ask the ticket clerk for directions, ensure that you block the turnstile so that other travelers cannot pass you by. Every city dweller does the same thing, don’t worry, you will actually stand out less from the possibly homicidal crowd. While speaking to the subway employee, keep your eyes downcast and speak in a respectful, humble tone. Do not make any sudden movements. Expect to be physically assaulted if you ask a question the ticket clerk deems is “stupid”.

If you don’t feel like being screamed at, buying subway tokens at an automated ticket machine can be an interesting experience, especially if you enjoy feeding the same paper bill into a slot thirty-seven times in a row. And if the ticket machine dispenses coin tokens, expect them to shoot down at approximately the speed of sound, bounce off the little metal tray, and scatter all over the subway station. When this occurs, try to avoid the sudden oncoming mass of colorful city indigents.

If you manage to hang onto some change, you will be pleased to know that in many subway stations small convenience stores or stalls can be found, run by proprietors who want nothing more than to charge you two dollars for a bottle of water, a substance covering over seventy percent of the Earth’s surface.

Riding the Subway in the Proper Fashion

Remember that while you’re about to board a subway car, many people may need to exit first. So do what everybody else does: as the doors open, elbow your way through the exiting mass of humanity as if the subway station was on fire. Act as if you are being inconvenienced, sigh and glare a lot, and generally push anyone smaller and weaker than you out of your way. Anyone bigger than you, try a covert kidney jab.

After boarding, sit down at the nearest available empty seat; you may have to race the other passengers to claim a spot. Again, your elbows are your friends. Seats on a subway car are made to be uncomfortable, so try to stretch out and get cozy. Do everything in your power not to share your seat; the angry glares from pregnant mothers with their toddlers and heavy grocery bags are certainly not your concern.

If you have the misfortune of being expected to share YOUR seat, do whatever you can to make the person beside you uncomfortable so they eventually stand up and leave, affording you greater room to lie down and nap. Such steps include:

• Rub your knee occasionally against their leg, at first as if by accident, followed by longer durations of knee/leg/thigh contact. Moaning in an excited low grunting manner may encourage the person beside you to actually flee their seat..
• Remain silent for seven minutes and then turn to the person sitting beside you and say in a loud voice, “OH NO I JUST WENT OOPSIES.”
• Break wind and belch simultaneously; let your body go limp and slump against the person beside you as if you have just died

If no seats are available, you will have to stand. If so, always stand in front of the train car’s doors and block everybody attempting to leave or enter the subway car when it stops at a station.

Making Your Subway Trip Interesting

If you need a little excitement while traveling on a subway car, there are many fun things you can do to pass the time:

• If you are in the front car, you will notice the train driver is enclosed in a little room. Shake the locked door of the driver’s cubicle while screaming, “C’mon… I gotta GO! I gotta go NOW!”
• Those vertical metal poles in subway trains people use for support make excellent impromptu “exotic dancer” poles. Imagine you’re a naughty stripper named “Ashleigh” on stage performing for an appreciative audience. Accept tips, if offered.
• Feel free to draw on the subway ads in the car. Adding mustaches, blacking out teeth, and leaving your gang tag are all acceptable.

Miscellaneous Tips on Fitting in with the Subway Crowd

• After reading a newspaper on a subway car, scatter the pages all over the back seats. Try to grind all the pages into the dirty floor so they are unreadable & spread infection to anyone picking them up with bare hands.
• Consume large amounts of food if the train is crowded. Good foodstuffs include: egg salad sandwiches, melted cheese fondue, and haggis.
• Feel free to improvise speeches about the “alien agenda” on a subway car; after all, you have a captive audience (hint: to make things more fun, bring a roll of tinfoil to make hats.)

In Conclusion

Congratulations, Tourist! You’ve survived a trip on the subway system, leaving a trail of angry and/or mildly wounded people in your path. Enjoy your stay in the big city, you fit right in.