I recently read the funniest and best “girl seeks guy” ad, listing her standards of a “real man”. Top of the list was that the question “Does this make me look fat?” is correctly answered “No, your fat makes you look fat, now get out the way of the TV.” Last on the considerable list of criteria was that men are only allowed to cry if they’ve been kicked in the nuts. If only all women thought like that!

In that spirit then, the spirit of real men standing up against all the metro-sexual propaganda, here’s my criteria for a real woman.

Real women have long hair

Sure, short hair looks nice on some girls, but real women have long hair and all women look better with big hair. I don’t care that it takes more looking after; real men should have long hair too. Proper hair, with a beard; shaving is for poofs. Real men look like Jesus and date women with long hair.

Real women wear bikinis

That’s right bikinis. String ones, preferably, and more often than necessary. Real women should look good in bikinis; it’s not hard, we’re not talking compulsory surgery, just a healthy lifestyle to maintain a decent figure. The ideal woman pays more attention to her posture than to her calorie count; you want a flat tummy? Easy; stop slouching, sit up straight, shoulders back and stick your chest out. There, instant flat stomach and a bigger rack.

Real women are intelligent

Surprised? Who really wants a dumb blond? Alright, who wants a dumb blond more than a couple of times? No, I want a smart one; smart enough to have a conversation with at home. She can even be smarter than me, she can stuff her bra with PhDs, so long as she’s willing to act dumb in public.

Real women are horny

Not all the time; just mornings, and again around noon, all day weekends, when she’s asleep, or there’s nothing on the TV, when we’re stuck in traffic…

Real women play the trombone

You know what I’m talking about. Real women regularly play long, complex tunes on the old bedroom trombone. Real women play the bedroom trombone all night, then wake up in the morning and play it some more. Real women surprise you at work and play the trombone under your desk. And in restaurants. And on the beach.

Real women are kinky

Not seriously kinky; not barbed wire and barbiturates kinky, just slightly kinky. High heels and stockings kinky. Dressing up as a lab assistant kinky. The kind of kinky that brings her own handcuffs on a date.

Real women vacuum in their underwear

The only way for a real woman to do housework is in lingerie. The only sound I want to hear while I’m reading the newspaper is the vacuum cleaner and the click-clack of her stiletto heels. When the vacuum cleaner stops, all I want to hear is the music of the silent trombone.

Real women show cleavage

Be proud of your tits, that what they’re for! You thought they were for babies? They are; from selecting a mate to the arrival of gurgling offspring, titties play a major role. Be free with those puppies, go on, let “em out; so what if men stare at them? When men stare at tits their IQ temporarily halves; real women know this and use their powers of hypnosis freely. Real women get soapy and jiggle.

Real women have no male friends

There is room in a real woman”s life for only one man; you don’t need male friends because they want to screw you. All of them. I know you ladies think men and women can be friends, but no straight man on Earth agrees with you. It’s not possible, especially not if you’re a real woman; if you’re a real woman, every man you meet wants to ride you around the bedroom and every man you speak to for more than 10 seconds thinks you want to be his little pony. You don’t need or want any male friends; pick one good bloke and play his trombone.

Real women are faithful

No one really wants a slut. A man wants his woman to be easy for HIM, no one else. Jealousy is a bitch and will drive that perfect woman into the arms of some loser. Girls, don’t let jealousy get a foot in the door; play only one man’s trombone.

I could go on at length, but I’ve got a real woman waiting for me (real women are also patient). Real women aren’t sex objects, but they are sexy. Real women are neither fat nor anorexic; eat well and exercise so that bikini looks good, and I promise to bulk up and lay off the doughnuts. Real women don’t have to do all the housework, but they should do their share in lingerie. Real women can work and even earn more than me, but I want her to leave her work at the office; I don’t yack on endlessly about my day, so if you missed me, just kneel down, shut up and play that trombone.

Comments especially invited from lesbians, feminists, and (please, Santa, I’ve been awfully good this year…) REAL WOMEN.