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Why The Birth of The First Child Ends The Father’s Life
If you are a man and have not yet had your first child I pity you. Why you ask, because I have lost out on a great experience? No, because you have suffering in your future.
Image by BL1961 via Flickr
If you are a man and have not yet had your first child I pity you. Why you ask, because I have lost out on a great experience? No, because you have suffering in your future.
You will at some point after the birth of your first child be forgotten.
But you say you don’t know how much my lady loves me. Yes I do and it doesn’t matter. New fathers are dead men.
You don’t mean to tell me babies are able to outdo me do you? They will slam you in a heartbeat and they are ruthless.
You have for the first part of your marriage had the entire amount of your wife’s attention. When a baby is born she gives the attention to the baby. Yeah the baby hurt coming out, but you put it in there.
Babies don’t snore. Babies don’t try to go golfing. Babies don’t look at other women. Babies don’t have any money not to share. Babies go to all family affairs without complaining. Your wife’s family will like the baby more than you.
Here are some things you should not do to try to keep pace with the baby:
Don’t hold your butt up to anyone’s face so they can see you are “clean.” Don’t crawl. Don’t nurse in any way.
Don’t sit on anyone’s lap.
Don’t say “goo-goo” to you 250-pound football-playing brother-in-law.
Don’t run an engine on the floor saying “choo-choo” over and over and over.
Do make sure and keep an eye on the baby. Keep in mind that the only reason the baby lets you live is that it know you make money.
If you go back over the eons of time you find that men die early. Why do you think that is? Women and babies make them die. They make them work and spend all their money on them. They make them eat healthy food. They make them over-tax themselves on swing-sets and taking them on audacious vacations.
It is all part of a long-reaching plan. About the time you get the children through college you will croak.
Then they can take their new six figure jobs and support your widow until she meets the guy she has always wanted to be married to.
You see initial fathers and husbands are just fodder for that really good life that all families want.
So when that baby is bouncing on your knee, make sure and keep a look out for facial changes. They will smile if they feel a change in depth of breathing or an arrhythmia.
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20 Comments
and yet we keep coming back for more – I’ve got 5 of them.
Well said!!!
This was hilarious–and so true in some ways. Good tongue-in-cheek article.
LOL this was legendary.
This is funny but please people don’t take this seriously!!
Haha, this really made me smile and a small chuckle came out. Poor fathers! As a teen girl, I might reach a stage where I am like a woman with a baby too but as for now, this article is brilliantly written with a lot of humour underneath hidden realities. Excellent article.
Thanks to everyone…of course it is written with the utmost thanks to God and my wife that we were able to have three wonderful kids. Interestingly enough we didn’t think we were going to have children–it took us ten years so I’m sure I felt a little “left out” because everyone was so excited and I didn’t know any “new tricks.”
May all of your lives be happy. God Bless.
Gary
funny, wonderful, and a bit true. Every new father should read this and every new mother as well.
Wow such a prestige thought, but heck I would do anything to have a son!
Good stuff, Gary!
That was hilarious, but it just might be true!
sad but funny!
There may be some truth to the article becasue mothers really do get very attched to their newborn babies and fathers sometimes do get left out. But I do love my husband and I love all of our kids and grandkids. And really so does he. Great, funny artilcle. I enjoyed reading it. It brought a smile to my face.
Oh so true! -I used to my mother-in-law’s favorite (replacing the daughter, -my wife) until the child came and now HE is ‘the favorite.’
-When we’d go to visit mom-in-law would prepare several dishes for entree ..in case I didn’t like one, there would be a choice for me and I’d not go hungry or be disappointed. NOW that the child came along, -he gets the attention and I can just go dig through the ‘fridge for leftovers or whatever… have a slice of pasteurized processed cheese or have dry toast or whatever I can find… tee-heee
Haha I got a loud chuckle out of this. i’ll have to ask my father what he thought after I was born as I was his first child of 3.
Haha I got a loud chuckle out of this. i\\\\\\\’ll have to ask my father what he thought after I was born as I was his first child of 3.
I laughed a little while reading his article. True to some extent about babies getting the attention. As well as vey interesting and humurous.
Very well written… you are a natural talent, my friend!
Thanks for making me smile with your article. Having babies is really a high-maintenance lifestyle. But it’s worth all the spending and temporary loss of attention towards the dad. anyway, it’s just temporary, when they grow up they’d get tired of all the doting attention.
nice write!