If working in an office, with a bunch of people with whom the only thing you share in common is being of the same species, witnessing all the political games, listening to the endless backstabbing and inevitable childish arguing isn’t depressing enough, the prevalent and annoying use of nonsensical office jargon may just tip you over the edge.

For the following article, Boss speak will be referred to as B S – and rightly so.

It needs to be stamped out, any one speaking B S needs to be shown that they cannot get away with it.

Here are some examples of what you can do when faced with B S

B S 1

If your hear “Can you cascade this memo around the office”

Firstly recognise it as B S.

If they said “hand this memo out around the office” or “email it to all office employees”, this would make sense – but they talk tripe because they think that “cascade” sounds hip and intelligent.

TIP

Take the literal translation of the BS.

Print the memos and rip them into tiny shreds.

Stand on your each of your colleagues desks in turn and cascade the shreds of memo onto their head and desk.

B S 2

If your hear someone saying” I need to kept in the loop”

People who say this are often those who do little actual work and therefore need others to let them know what is happening.

TIP

Tell them to keep their neck still while you fetch some telephone wire or rope.

If you have those items to hand, lasso the B S perpetrator and tether them tightly, by the neck, to the nearest immovable object.

B S 3

If your boss tells you that “you need to hit the ground running on this project”

Any project that needs such a fast approach could mean trouble!

This phrase is often used when someone else has started a project, screwed it up and wants to offload it quickly, before any blame is laid at their door.

But they would never dream of saying this to you, so they resort to B S.

TIP

Take your bosses word as gospel and proceed to canter around the office, intermittently bending down and hitting the floor with your hand.

Yes you will be perceived as insane but you need to ensure that all who witness your out-burst are informed that you were simply following a direct order from your superior.

They may you boss think twice before uttering this B S phrase again.

B S 4

If you have, what is perceived to be a bad attitude in the office, your “line manager” may take you to one side and ask you to “increase your personal bandwidth”. B S for asking you to integrate politely with your colleagues whilst improving your standard and volume of work.

TIP

This is an ideal opportunity to fabricate a tinfoil hat and attach a small radio and the longest aerial that you can find.

OK, you look like an arse, and your “team leader” may turn purple with rage, but make it known that you simply attempting to improving your bandwidth as instructed.

I guarantee that this B S phrase will never be uttered in a serious sentence again.

B S 5

You may be asked to organise a “hot-desk” for the office

Obvious B S speak – A request to clear all the rubbish off a desk somewhere, so that sales-men you don’t recognise – but have worked for the company for 20 years, can come in and show their faces occasionally as part of a new management initiative.

They need a desk so that they can pretend to be busy and do not have to lurk and loiter around the hallways looking embarrassed and confused.

TIP

The B S speaker assumes that every-one understands the meaning behind their B S.

Erase B S from your memory – pretend that you know nothing about it.

Hmmmmm… how can you make a desk hot – take your lighter (or borrow one if you are not a spawn of the devil smoker – for that is how we are perceived in offices these days thanks to the Government’s relentless propaganda) and start a series of fires on the surface – Multi-task, tidy whilst making the desk hot.

When your ass is hauled in front of the HR manager, make sure that he knows that you followed a direct instruction to the best of your understanding.

I guarantee that by the next morning a memo will be “cascaded” around the office calling for all managers to cut out jargon and issue simple instructions to their staff.

Sorted!

Where B S is concerned, the opportunities are endless.

All suggestions welcome !