Dear Agnes: Henchman Helpline

Dear Agnes,

I am a henchman for an international businessman in the import/export business. It’s a great job and I get a lot of exercise, but lately I’ve been wondering if maybe my boss is a bad guy. And I don’t just mean a grumpy fellow or whatever, I mean a BAD guy, if you catch my drift. Short of asking him to his face (that would make him grumpy!), how can I know for sure?

H. Smith

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H.,

Do read carefully! If you have good reason to suspect you are in cahoots with a villain you’ve got to get out of that environment post-haste! I’ve known a few henchmen in my day and I can tell you right off the bat that if this is your job title . . . hello! Red flag right there! It may start out fun and games, beating up and threatening drug dealers and other low-lifes your boss says are hindering business. But it never ends up that way, and before you know it you’ll be hanging some poor old woman’s little dog out the window of her high-rise apartment to ensure she doesn’t squawk.

Even though I think you know in your heart of hearts what’s going on here, this old gal’s up to the task of turning up the volume on these concerns of yours. You certainly work for a bad guy -

IF your boss has ever, for any reason, murdered someone before your eyes as an intimidation tactic. Normal, law-abiding employers will never off a fellow employee only to turn to you and say, “A new position just opened up,” or nonchalantly ask, “Now where were we?” If this has ever happened at your workplace, you don’t even have to keep reading!

IF you are paid sporadically in large amounts of cash contained in suitcases, briefcases or gym bags. This is especially true if your boss assures you that your pay is in what are called “unmarked bills”. The few honest employers out there still paying cash don’t normally worry whether the bills are marked or not. This is not because they are callous and don’t care whether the source of your money can be identified, it’s simply because the authorities don’t bother tracing dollar bills back to the register at Gus’s Gas. On the other hand, they might care if the money came from a heroine deal. Try to follow me here, H.

IF your boss has ever put a gun to your head. This is a HUGE red flag similar to the one I raised above except this one should be even more obvious! He (or she) can do this in a number of ways, including cocking but not firing, firing but over your head, pulling the trigger with an empty chamber or playing Russian roulette. H., you don’t have to put up with this kind of abuse! Many henchmen tell me, “Oh, it’s only a one-in-six chance,” but I say that’s baloney. If he can’t use his words in a professional manner he’s a bad guy in my book.

IF you have ever been asked to keep watch over someone you recognize from television. I don’t know if you’ve put this together yet, H., but you were taking part in a kidnapping. This might come as a shock. Give it time to sink in. Ready? Okay, the thing is that famous people tend to be worth a lot of money if you take them away from their famous relatives or spouses. Did you wonder why you didn’t receive your pay until you had left the country, instead of the moment your “guest” rode off in a limousine in the dead of night? That wasn’t just payroll processing time. Open your eyes, sir!

IF your boss openly abuses narcotic drugs in the workplace. This one might be a bit more subtle, but it’s still a very important point. Lawful employers simply don’t snort cocaine or inject themselves with lord-knows-what while they are on the job. They also don’t promise to let you participate as an incentive. You might ask, why not? And why does this make my boss a bad guy? Maybe he/she is much more amiable in this state and you think it brightens your workplace. But you need to see the big picture, H. I don’t quite know how to spell it out for you except to say this: if he/she has to abuse drugs at work just to cope with life, what kind of life is it? Wake up and smell the villainy!

I hope this has helped you understand this person a bit better and the role you play as a henchman. My final word of advice? Get out now! You seem like a lovely person whose abundant gifts could be used in a variety of wonderful ways.

Have you considered dance?

Wishing all the Greatest and Best,

Agnes