I hope I never end up on the police blotter.  Every morning on the radio they go through a run down of local crimes, some almost downright laughable.  Why do you they use full names when reading the crime blotter on the radio?  It starts with the little things first:

James Michael Gotham was indicted on shoplifting at the local Dollar Tree.  I wonder; do we really need to know his exact name?  James is probably embarrassed for getting caught shoplifting.  Getting caught shop lifting at the Dollar Store?  That’s just wrong.  James needs to lift his standards.  Anytime I need something from the Dollar Tree and I’m broke, I just look between the seats of the car and find plenty of money.  There’s someone sitting in their car going, “James Michael Gotham?  Isn’t that Jimbo?  You know Jimbo from the Krispy Kreme?  Why’s he stealing from the Dollar Tree?”

There’s always a stabbing.  It starts with Daryl Charles Hendrick stabbed his friend Bobby Joe John Dunlap 4 times in front of Baby Dolls Nightclub at 3:30am.  When asked why, Daryl stated that he didn’t like the way Mr. Dunlap was looking at the stripper Ebony Rose.  Bobby Joe John Dunlap is recovering at Baptist Memorial Hospital from multiple stab wounds and a groin injury.  Groin Injury?  Maybe Ebony Rose didn’t like the way he was looking at her too.  Mr. Dunlap is expected to recover fully and Mr. Jones is charged with first degree assault.  No one answered why they were in front of the club at 3:30am.

There’s two more assaults at Baby Dolls, one in front of Hot Totties.  A gunshot wound over in front of the Piggly Wiggly.  Oh, this will be a good one.  Guns and Piggly Wiggly, that’s almost as good as guns and 7-Eleven.    John Carmichael Buckner was shot in front of the Piggly Wiggly for not sharing the Supersize bag of Pork Rinds with his friend William Carlos Manuel.  The two struggled over the last Pork Rind and the “gun just went off.”  Yeah, nothing like living down South when there’s arguments over Pork Rinds.  If it’s the last sip of Cheerwine, I can understand that.

This is a craftier way to get your boyfriend’s attention.  52 year old Julio Manuel Carlos Avalrez was stabbed in the groin by his 27 year old girlfriend Carla Marie Elizabeth Smith.  Ms. Smith explained that Mr. Avalez gave her a STD and was punishing him for it.  “He ain’t gonna give it to nobody else,” she was quoted as saying.  Mr. Avalrez is undergoing surgery at Baptist while Ms. Smith is charged with domestic assault.  Ms. Smith’s ex-husband, Richard Davis Trucker has posted her bail and is explaining that the STD probably came from him. 

The rest of the crimes are uneventful.  Maybe they have to use full names so there’s no confusion.  Especially in the South when you use names like Darryl, Bubba, or Wayne.  Without the full name, Momma’s calling,

“Wayne?  Was that you that knocked over the Texaco in Rural Hall?  Do I have to come and whoop some sense into you?” 

“No Momma, it wasn’t me.  Didn’t you hear the full name-John Bubba Wayne SMITH.  “Oh sugar.  I knew you wouldn’t do that.  Is that Peggy’s son?  That Wayne?  Well you are not hanging around that good fer nothing.  That boy’s trouble.”

“No Momma, Peggy’s son is Wayne MICHAEL Smith.”

“Oh, OK honey.  As long as it’s not you.”

After the assaults there’s a few of the “Hey watch this!” stories.  Terence James Corney was found hanging out of a pine tree when he tried to jump from his apartment on the second floor into the pool.  They always state there was “alcohol involved” or “a dare from his friends” which usually means there’s still alcohol involved. 

My favorite story is about a woman who shot in the head by her boyfriend.  I know, you’re saying what’s funny about that?  The bullet was stopped by her hair weave!  The best part of the story was her quote, “I paid a lot of money for that hair weave and it saved my life.”  Could you imagine the boyfriend?  He accidently shoots her and thinks “Oh shit, I’m going to jail” but she rises from the dead.  He runs off screaming, ‘Some type of voodoo!  She’s got some type of voodoo!”  I’m sure it was an accident, she probably was just reaching for the last Slim Jim in the pack and the gun accidently went off.  They didn’t say if it happened in front of the Piggly Wiggly.

When you think things in your life are difficult, just take a minute to read through the local news.  You’ll read all the different things happening to people and realize that you actually are pretty normal.  At least until it comes to that box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, all bets are off as to who’s name is read the next morning’s newscast.