I applied to a job several weeks ago and received the “thanks but no thanks” letter in the mail. I made first and second round interviews and I thought everything went well enough for them to offer me a job. Apparently not. The letter–a generic business memo that truly makes me feel like all of my time was wasted–manages to point out absolutely nothing. I’d love it if a rejection letter actually included something useful.

Dear Mr. Herman:

Although we appreciate your time we have decided on another candidate. The other candidate was much more suited to this position, because he was able to answer our generic interview questions that were pulled from a high school guidance counselor’s desk. It is very clear you are not qualified for this position but our new employee, the man that bested you for the position, is better looking, knows people in management positions and doesn’t seem to have a sweating or glandular problem, as you clearly do.

Here at our company, we need graduates that are fresh from college. We feel that experience is not a necessity, and lack of a backbone is the only way to get anywhere in life. Our employees follow directions without question, and they go home every day to their happy little Chrysler Sebrings, and to their bible study groups. We don’t need your wild ideas here, mister.

During your interview you mentioned that you like to write comedy sketches on the side. Mr. Herman, this is an advertising company, if you want to work here you should be looking at advertisements in your free time, not writing like some drunk in a cellar. You should be thinking about newspapers, not jokes! We are not clowns here, and we cannot afford some jokester roaming these good hallways. What you do here and what your interests are must coincide.

We will be throwing your resume in with all the other wastoid, miscreant, and low life scum resumes, and will put them into the back seat of our janitor’s car (he also drives a Sebring) and will instruct him to open all his windows and sunroof (a nice feature on the car) and tell him to drive as fast as possible down the highway. We may contact you if your resume should somehow end up still in the box, and if we happen to need some kind of comedy guy who can’t answer basic interview questions.

Dictated but not read,
S. R./A.L.

I don’t need to work at some advertising company. I’m going to work at some place way cooler and get all the free tokens and pizza I want. First, I just have to fend off the hordes of possessed animatronic clothed bears and the demonic gorilla that played keyboard for Asia in the mid eighties.