Who the heck needs the hits, money, or publication? You know best, but let’s make certain the public knows it too. After all, you’re in charge! Let’s review the things all egomaniacs must do.

1. Don’t Read
   

   For God’s sake you’re a writer, not a reader! You know what you’re doing. Be sure to avoid books on technique, style, etc. Those writers don’t know what they’re doing anyway.

2. Don’t Use Said
   

   Discover better words than said. That’s what the thesaurus is for! A master knows to use adverbs with your dialogue tags too. “I hate you!” she hissed hissingly. Now that’s a sentence!

3. Ignore Feedback
   

   Read more in Work

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   People should be thanking you. It’s expected. There’s no need to show your gratitude with responses to e-mails, letters, or anything that takes you from writing. The fans understand and continue to worship. That’s their job.

4. Be Vague
   

   Vague means artistic. Be sure to do this whenever on a message board displaying your genius. If people don’t understand, they’re idiots. Their confusion feeds your flawlessness.

5. Insult Everyone
   

   So what if the agents or editors turned your masterpiece down? Call them morons with a raging e-mail to that form rejection! They deserve to know. Agents and editors love it when someone has the cubes to tell them like it is. It’s professional!

6. Post Every Random Idea
   

   Your fans adore all your ideas. But be careful! Everyone knows those trolls steal and make a zillion dollars off what’s yours! Better get your thoughts copyrighted too.

7. Use A LOT of Strange Punctuation and FONTS!
   

   All writers know to use the exclamation point as much as possible! To make your points even stronger, use more!!! In fact, throw in everything to make it really, really STRONG!!!

8. Post Query Letter Critiques Before You Finish the Novel
   

   It’s not like there’s any chance your ideas or the novel will change from the time you start writing it to when it’s completed. People on various forums don’t mind. It’s their job to swoon over your ideas anyway.

9. Take Your Time Getting to the Point
   

   Readers know to wait. You’ll get to the real story after thirty pages of description, random thoughts, or wordiness. Always open with prose too. It’s literary. Hooks are for fish.

10. Don’t Edit
    

    First drafts sing perfection. Editing is for chumps! Don’t deny your public. You need to get your work out there so they can fawn over you. That’s how it works.

11. Show Apathy
    

    Telling your audience you don’t care what they think puts them in the vapors. Do this in the beginning of your prose. Better still, do it at the end! Let them know you don’t respect them and that they wasted their time! People love that.

12. Use Big Words
    

    The longer the better! The alienations of their super ego-machinations will validate their cerebrums, thus retrograde myriads of estranged meta-philological ineptitude. All shall prostrate and pontificate before your infinitesimal judiciousness.

13. And Most Important…
    

    Don’t write. Wait to be inspired. It’ll happen if you just sit around … eventually.