Here are ten excuses for not going to work:

1. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment to have my head examined. How do you expect me to finish ten reports in two days?
2. I’m suffering from a serious illness. I have cubicleitis. It’s quite contagious and very confining.
3. My family’s pet turtle just died. The funeral is today. You’re invited to attend.
4. My car broke down. My wife is already at work. I can’t afford to take a cab. I would walk, but it might strain my hernia. I’ll be back to work tomorrow.
5. I know that the big inspection is today, but I’m really being counted on to participate in the Great Bocce Ball Tournament
6. I threw my back out. I can’t move more than a few inches. I was barely able to reach the remote control.
7. My doctor told me to stay home today. I’m suffering from the 24-minute flu. The symptoms are as follows: upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, red rash, tiredness, and extreme gassiness.
8. My driveway has ten inches of snow. Isn’t it amazing? My neighbor has only half an inch. I have the worst luck in the world.
9. Someone stole my blouses. I have nothing to wear. You wouldn’t want me to come into work and file a sexual harassment complaint. Would you?
10. I’d love to come into work today, but we are expecting a very special guest. Britney Spears is coming to our house. It really is true. I’ll get you a signed autograph. I promise that it won’t be a fake autograph this time.