Whoever said size doesn’t matter is a damned liar. The saying goes, “It’s not the measure, it’s the motion.” If that’s true, why do male porn stars hang like mules? What happened to Harry-Hand-Me-Down and his Plunging Pinky? Yeah, it sounds as exciting as going at it with the pool’s suction drain and having the cops arrive to free you. Freak accident, I swear. These methods will make it look bigger without the pills from the grinning idiot spokesman.

Shave that Bush!

It’s a jungle out there, but not under wear. Trimming the foliage gives an increased length appearance. And isn’t appearance what you really want? Like Mom used to say, if you can’t feel it, fake it.

Quit Deep Diving Until the Finale

Most Casa Novas know women’s-and men’s if you beat that drum-sensitivity swims in the shallow pool. Keep it there until the last minutes until you sing, then dive. Dive hard! This surprise gives the feeling of length. This also occurs when your coat hanger peaks. You ain’t faking that.

Get a Smaller Partner

Smaller statured lovers don’t want King Dong and his meat baton. It results in pain, embarrassment, and frustration. A smaller wizz-wang gives the petite lover more stimulation where it counts. After all, a tiny explorer in a mammoth cave creates echoes. A sound desired at the Grand Canyon, but unforgiving in the bedroom.

The Lock

This trade secret began over 2,000 years ago with weights-the padlock. Make it small, weighty, but comfortable. Lock it around your soldier’s helmet and let it dangle. You have to go boxers or commando for this to work, but this will increase the lance’s length. Takes years before the effect commands respect, so fair warning. It will also make for interesting conversations between you and the security guards at metal detectors.

You want emperor status in the bedroom, not court jester. Your scepter demands respect and so do you. But if in doubt, turn off all the lights. No shame in that. Now, you’ll have to excuse me. The cops have to free me again…