In the previous lesson, I established our modern consumer culture has us by the coin purse—in more ways than one. Today, I will probe yet deeper, touching on an equally sensitive, highly personal and potentially stimulating issue, after which time I will wash my hands of the matter. Probably for several hours.

Obviously, I’m referring to the process of dealing with customer service. The most common way of dealing with our complaints is to call the customer service number that is typically is located, for our easy reference, in the Vatican archives.

It’s actually in the user’s manual, or on the manufacturer’s website. However, anyone who has ever dared to dial it would agree that a barefoot pilgrimage to the Vatican, complete with fasting and self-flagellation, would probably be a more enviable pastime in hindsight. If traveling is not an option or if the purpose of your call is to request a refund, I’d recommend Hara Kari as a faster and comparatively painless alternative.         

The liable party only provides that number so they don’t actually have to help you. That chore goes to the highly trained army of purpose-driven primates that await your call on the other end of the line. Apparently the theory about how, given enough time, a bunch of chimps with typewriters will crank out the complete works of Shakespeare hasn’t drawn enough congressional interest to qualify for government funding, so the chimp’s potential has so far been devoted to writing and choreographing High School Musical movies and taking customer service calls.

I support equal opportunity employment because it means that something I don’t personally want to do will get done. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that we as a society would function more smoothly and sanely if customer service positions went to individuals who possessed the skills and desire necessary to fulfill their function. Never mind additional education; additional evolution would be a good enough start. 

The fact that I am about to propose using reality TV as a solution shows how dire this problem has become. Instead of watching people hope Donald Trump won’t fire them on The Apprentice, wouldn’t you rather see aspiring customer service professionals bend over backwards to service their customers? 

As the title “Serviced with a Smile”, implies, helping the customer achieve satisfaction, along with winning, would be the object of the game. The theme song, “Satisfaction”, performed by Sanjiya—should be just agonizing enough invoke a customer service vibe, but not quite enough to get us reaching for the Hara Kari knives.

Instead of performing once a week, the contestants would perform their enterprise every day, just like the rest of us. Weekly judging would be based on the highlights of their week, summarized for our viewing convenience. The public’s need to see celebrities in potentially distressing circumstances would be satisfied too, as celebrities’ customer service calls are re-directed to and fielded by the contestants, like so:

Ozzy: “SHARON!”

Contestant: “I’m sorry. Sharon is currently servicing other customers. My name is Theodore, how may I help you?”  

Ozzy: “Mumble grumble (bleep) grrahh!”

Contestant: “Okay, Mr. Osborne, please hold while I consult our technical department (muzak playing) Okay, Mr. Osborne, what you’re going to have to do is press down on the lid while you turn it. Can you do that for me?”

Ozzy: “Mumble..!? Ah ha!”

Contestant: “Okay…you should be looking at an open bottle right now. The pills should come right out.”

Ozzy: “(Bleeping) -A!”

Contestant: “Anything else I can help you with today, sir? …SIR?”

The surprise twist at the finale would be that everyone who could satisfy more customers than a chimp would win a job, allowing the chimps to focus on the works of Shakespeare.

Naturally, my descent into creative bankruptcy would have to be complete before I could actually pitch a reality show, but maybe Sanjiya will give me a hand. Right now I’ve got to wash mine.