So, there I am. Sitting in the grocery store. My legs clenched together like a lobster’s claw.

All I hear is water water water…

A man is saying out front “Buy 1 bottle of Aquafina and get 1 free!”

This is killing me!

Next, I look to my right. That’s awesome. A postcard of Niagara Falls.

GAH!

I quickly hobble over to the cashier and ask “Where is your bathroom?”

She says “I dunno. Its my first day.” She puts a piece of gum in her mouth and blows a bubble.

Pop!

Oh great. Saliva all over my new shirt.

So I go running down Aisle 12, which above it rests the majestic sign of “Bathroom” with an arrow pointing right.

YES! I think this is my break.

Well its just my luck. An old lady in a mechanical wheelchair was going “too fast”, and she crashed into the, you guessed it, water bottles, spewing water in all directions, making me slip on my back.

I lay in the water helplessly.

This is getting out of control.

I stumble onto my feet. Now staring at the yellowish light that shines from under the bathroom, while an Angelic Chorus sings in my head “Hallelujah!”

But my luck has yet again, soured.

Of course the Motorcycle gang has arrived, and they’re angry.

They stomp over to Aisle 12, and knock me out of their way as I stand dumbfounded. The door closes and as I look inside, I see 1 stall is open.

HOORAY!

I step in and……

Great.

Just great. Welcome to Porta-Potty Hell.

The de-fabricated walls are covered with graffiti and the toilet seat has been removed, leaving an open pipe in the ground.

Now if you know motorcylcists, they take their time.

So this is my option.

I sit down to be rudely awakened by the cold steel hole.

I do my “Business” and get out of there.

Well, this life example has taught me a good lesson.

NEVER LEAVE HOME AGAIN.