I still remember with exceptional vividness the first joke I ever heard, and it still seems a model of technique. It was a riddle, and my father told it.

“What is it that hangs on a wall, is green, wet and whistles?” he asked me.

I knit my brow and thought and thought. “I give up”I finally said.

“A herring,” said my father.

“A herring?” I said.

“A herring doesn’t hang on the wall!” “So hang it there.” “But a herring isn’t green!”

“So paint it, my father said.

“But a herring isn’t wet,” I said.

“If it’s just been painted, it’s wet.”

“But—”and here I summoned all my outrage- “a herring does not whistle!”

“Right,” my father said. “I just put that in to make it hard.”

A joke is a very short, short story, carefully propelled by skillful clues and deliberate and tantalizing miss-cues. Most jokes are designed to reach a sudden, surprising climax-one that triggers the explosion of laughter. Consider the battery of devices any good storyteller uses to hold you rapt: a smile, a shrug, a cheerful nod; a coaxing groan, a soothing murmur; a significant pause, an ironic inflection, a gasp of simulated or remembered astonishment; an accelerated rhythm toward the story’s end. Each of these serves to cue (and control) the responses of those who listen.

But say you have no talent of the kind that marks a born raconteur: no strong sense of narrative pace, no gift for comedic emphasis or clever camouflage. What do you do then? Just follow three simple rules: (1) speak at a brisk pace; (2) proceed undiverted to the climax; (3) deliver a clear, exact punch line.

Need further help? Here are six basic tips on how not to butcher your material:

1. Don’t preface a humorous story with an exaggerated promise or an abject apology -”This will have you rolling in the aisles!” or “I’m not sure I can tell this right.” Oversells and undersells invite resistance.

2. Identify only characters who are going to be essential to the story. If you say, “Herman Plotch, an undertaker, was walking along,” or, “Zelda Glitz, who played the xylophone,” you are queuing your listeners to wait for the point at which such names and attributes

pay off. When they do not, your punch line will be watered down – or lost – because an expectation, created by you, was not fulfilled.

In a similar way, don’t begin by referring to “this doctor” or “this acrobat.” Your listeners automatically will ask themselves, “Which doctor?” or “Which acrobat?” This is sure to distract them.

Imagine how the following joke would be ruined by adding “this” and “these” or by introducing characters, or even character’s names, that have no place in the climax:

Three cross-eyed prisoners stood before a cross-eyed judge. The judge glared at the first prisoner and demanded, “What’s your name?”

“Eli Krantz,” answered the second prisoner.

“I wasn’t talking to you!” the judge snapped.

“I didn’t say anything!” the third prisoner cried.

That’s a short joke; in longer ones follow the same strategy by sticking to the story line. Don’t go off on tangents. Once you introduce a fact-setting the story in Alaska, say your listeners will wait for igloos, huskies, Eskimos, long winters to appear and to pay off. If they don’t, your friends will be disappointed and even slightly annoyed.

3. As you launch into your joke, show that you enjoy it: smile, chuckle, spread cheer. Don’t look dour and self-conscious, even when you deliver a one-liner: “A diplomat never forgets a woman’s birthday, and never remembers her age”; “A bore is someone who, upon leaving a room, makes you feel as though someone fascinating just walked in.”

4. Keep your eyes on your listener’s eyes; if you are addressing more than one person, look from face to face. Don’t gaze at the ceiling or at the bird cage in the corner. This causes your listeners to look there too, to see what exotic object has captured your attention.

5. Use simple verbs: “said,” “asked,” “cried.” Don’t use highly colourful or inappropriate verbs. They fight for attention with your real cues. ” Hello,’ she exploded”; “The parson hop-scotched across the room”-these will cause nervous laughter and not contribute to the joy of the joke’s climax.

6. Above all else: prepare the exact wording and rhythm of your climax. Deliver the final line crisply, cheerfully, confidently.