A man has three houses, he’s driving home from work one day and realises that his first house is on fire, he sees a little red man running away from his house and decides to chase him “lil red man, lil red man” but the little red man is too quick and manages to get away, so the man rings the fire brigade and tells them what happened. They advise him to go to his second house while they put the fire out in his first.

When he arrives at his second house he realises that it is also on fire and once again sees this little red man running away. He chases the little red man down the street “lil red man, lil red man” but the little red man is too quick and gets away again. So he decides to go to his third house.

On arrival he notices that this house is on fire too, and he sees the little red man running away, before the little red man manages to get away he blocks of the exit from the drive and finally manages to catch the little red man. By this time the man is totally knackered and says “lil red man, lil red man, did you burn my house down?” The little red man replies “No!”

Jesus was on his cross, there’s a crowd of people watching and his disciple john was stood at the back of the crowd. Jesus said “John come quick” so John ran all the way through the crown and came to some guards, the guards asked john where he was going, John replied “I’m going to see Jesus” they said, no you’re not, chopped his arms off and threw him to the back of the crowd.

Once again Jesus shouted John, John come quick I need you, so John came running through the crowd where he came to the guards again. The guards asked john where he was going and he told them he was going to see Jesus. The guards told him he wasn’t, chopped off his legs and threw him to the back of the crowd.

Then John heard Jesus shouting John, I really need you, come quick. So poor john with no arms or legs chinned himself all the way through the crowd where he was met by the guards. Where are you going asked the guards. I’m going to see Jesus said John. The guards thought for a moment and then said, well you’ve got no arms or legs so I suppose you can’t do any harm, go ahead. So John carried on chinning his way all the way up the hill and finally reached Jesus.

John said, “My lord God I’m here, what is it?”

Jesus replied: John, I can see your house from here!

A hunter had been following a huge bear for an entire day.

He had followed him through large rivers and thick bush, over hills and into valleys. Finally, he had the bear in his sights.

He lined up the bear and fired a shot. He then proceeded to bound through the undergrowth to where he expected to find the carcass. To his horror he was tapped on the shoulder by a very live one.

“I’m sick of being shot at by you bloody hunters!” said the bear. “I’m going to teach you a lesson. So get down on your knees and clean my fur! Now!”

And so the hunter reluctantly did as he was told.

The next day the hunter returned with a bigger and better gun. He spent hours tracking the humongous bear before lining the bear up in his sights. He noticed the bear was covered in wet mud.

He blasted away and crashed once again through the undergrowth to where a bear’s body should have been.

And once again a very live bear tapped on his shoulder.

“You know the ritual. Get busy,” said the bear. ” I have a bit of mud under my nails, make sure you get that too.”

So mumbling in anger the hunter very reluctantly starting cleaning the bear.

The next day the hunter returned very determined with an even bigger and more powerful gun. After following the bear for hours and hours, he finally had the bear in his crosshairs. He fired away and walked cautiously through the bush.

He arrived at the spot where the bear should have been and felt the terrifying tap on his shoulder.

“Okay, let’s have the truth,” said the bear. “You’re not doing this for the hunting are you?”