Go to Arby’s

It’s cheap, it’s relatively well-lit, and you won’t have any trouble getting a table. Sure, the food will send you and your date both running clench-assed to the toilet, and the atmosphere will obliterate your self-esteem, and some of the other clientele may express inappropriate interest in your date—that is, they may try to rape her—but still, you can’t argue with value.

Take Her Storm Chasing

This exciting-sounding date won’t cost you a penny. And of course, it won’t be exciting. But when your girlfriend hears that you want to take her storm chasing, she’ll become giddy with fearful anticipation. “Do you think we might get maimed by the storm? Maybe even killed?” she’ll ask you, clearly excited by the possibility of facing mortal danger. “Yes,” tell her, “definitely maimed. Probably killed. My last girlfriend, Marla, well, you know how I didn’t tell you why we broke up?” “Oh my God,” she’ll say. “A storm got her, didn’t it.” And you’ll just nod, as if it’s too painful to acknowledge the awful truth in words.   

After a few hours of driving around aimlessly under a clear sky, though, your date may begin to sense something’s up. “Are you sure they said we were supposed to get a tornado?” she’ll ask accusingly. “Because it looks pretty damn clear out to me.” Luckily, you can respond, “That’s exactly what Marla said, just before the storm descended upon us and ripped her head off.”

Take Her to a Soup Kitchen

This will make her think you’re a good, generous guy who loves to spend his time helping the less fortunate. Which of course is a crock of shit. And when you’re done ladling watery soup into the cruddy bowls of wretched indigents, you can say to your girlfriend, who by this point should have fallen head over heels for your hollow virtue, “Well since we’re already here, we might as well grab a bite.” Make sure to sneak in a candy bar for yourself, though, because that water bisque isn’t going to do the trick.

Take Her to an Auction

But don’t bid on anything. This way, she can enjoy all the fast-paced action of the auction atmosphere without forcing you to open your wallet. To prevent her from catching on to your little scheme, I recommend raising your paddle, as if to bid, a few times just after the auctioneer has closed the bidding on an item. “Damn it,” you can say, “I really wanted that one.” Or, “Crap, I was so close that time.” Don’t jump the gun, though, or you might end up spending three thousand dollars on a staple gun once owned by the manager of the Steve Miller Band.

Meet Her Online for a Virtual Date

The odds are, you met your girlfriend online, so returning there with her now shouldn’t feel too unnatural. She might even find it cute, like a reenactment of the wonderful night you stumbled upon each other in the Horny Upstate Singles chat room. Except this time, you probably won’t be high on Quaaludes or sobbing uncontrollably. And an online date completely gets rid of the anxiety and fear that dominate even the best real dates. No, online you can be confident, and funny, and almost completely unterrified. Just make sure not to be too confident and funny, though, or she’ll realize how meek and dull you are in real life.

And while your real-date options are practically limited to Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday, and Outback Steakhouse—your girlfriend is just crazy about sliders, and refuses to go to any restaurant that doesn’t offer them—your virtual-date options are endless. You can meet her in a Florida Keys chat room, or an online forum dedicated to Lexington, Kentucky, or the discussion page on the Outback Steakhouse website.      

“Forget” Your Wallet

This is a cheap trick, but an effective trick. Take her someplace nice, and then just as you’re about to enter the door, start rifling nervously through your pockets. “Oh, crap, honey, I think I left my wallet at home. Looks like we’re gonna have to go to Arby’s, which I can still afford because I happen to have a five-dollar bill in my pocket for some reason.” You should plant the five there beforehand, obviously.

After you pull this trick five or six times, though, she might start to catch on. But don’t worry, there are a few variations on this general strategy that will keep her guessing. For example, don’t forget your wallet, but instead bring the “wrong” wallet. So when the check comes, confidently take out your wallet, and then try to give a genuine look of horror as you open it up. “Oh my God, honey, I think I brought the wrong wallet. I must’ve left all my money in the other one.” And by “left all my money in the other one,” you mean removed all your money from this one and hid it in your dresser. After paying the bill, she’ll probably ask what the hell you have two wallets for—a reasonable question if there ever was one—to which you can respond, “For the same reason you have so many goddamn purses.”

Take Her to Church

It’s free, it’ll eliminate the need for trying fruitlessly to maintain interesting conversation—that is, it’ll replace your awkward silence with religious awkward silence—and who knows, it might even save both your souls from an eternity in hell, during which time you’d definitely run out of things to talk about. And if your girlfriend starts sweating like crazy whenever the pastor says anything about the sin of adultery, you’ll know you’re in trouble.

Take Her on a Tour of Your Childhood Memories

And of course, you can be lying out your ass. “Here,” you’ll say, pointing to a lamppost you’ve never seen before in your life, “is where my dad first showed me the back of his hand. Because he had just gotten a tattoo on it, I mean, and he wanted me to see it. When I was too scared to look—I couldn’t bear the thought of all those needles going into his skin—well, that got him so mad, he showed me the underside of his boot. You see, he had a scary picture of a clown painted on the bottom of his right boot, and whenever I was bad, he would show it to me as punishment. He’d say, ‘The clown’s gonna get you, boy. The clown’s gonna end you.’ And that, my love, is why I never wear boots. Well, that, and they chafe the hell out of my ankles.” Of course, she’ll be bored to death by these meandering, ad-libbed tales, but I say it’s better to bore her for free than to bore her over an expensive Italian dinner at the Olive Garden.

Take Her to ACE Hardware

And tell her she can pick out anything she wants, your treat. The beauty of this is, there won’t be a damn thing in the store that she’ll want. So you can seem like Mr. Generous—“Go on, honey, don’t be shy, it’s all on me today, because really, what’s money, when you’re with the person you love”—without actually having to shell out any cash. The one thing you have to look out for, though, is if your girlfriend actually hates you and is looking for an opportunity to spite you. And this is a very real possibility, trust me. Because if she does hate you, there’s a good chance you’ll walk out of the store having blown a quarter of your yearly salary on a two-thousand dollar riding mower. And if you choose not to spring for the riding mower, you’ll probably walk out of the store a bachelor.

Take Her to an Expensive Restaurant

But make sure it’s closed at the time you arrive. “God damn it,” you’ll say, “the place is closed! Oh man, I was really looking forward to spending all that money on you, too. Oh well, I guess we’ll have to go to Arby’s again.” Now she may ask why in the world you thought this upscale French restaurant would be open at three in the morning, which is a fair question. The best you can do, I think, is to respond, “Sometimes, baby, you just get a feeling about certain things. Like tonight, I just had a feeling this place would be open at three AM. I dunno why, I just did. The thing about feelings, though, is that sometimes, well, sometimes they’re dead wrong. Like tonight, for example. Now let’s get to Arby’s before they run out of roast beef again.”