One day a husband returned home from a hard days work to find his wife liberally applying some kind of cream to her breasts, honestly, what follows is an actual transcript of the conversation that took place;

• Husband: What’s that for?
• Wife: It’s a new cream that helps to enlarge the breasts.
• Husband: And how much did that cost you then?
• Wife: £250
• Husband: That’s ridiculous, why not just rub some toilet paper on them?
• Wife: Will it work?
• Husband: Well it did for your backside!

After that conversation, there is a good chance they won’t be husband and wife for too much longer. Let that be a lesson to all, that sometimes being too truthful isn’t the best way to go.

I swear what follows is true; the following words did fall from a friends mouth. It was the day after the night before and my friend had, how shall we say, got lucky! His night’s conquest could best be described as being on the ‘larger’ size. When asked how they got on, my friend replied: “I wouldn’t say she was a big girl but her middle name was Orca and Greenpeace are looking for her to tow her back out to sea.”

Now that was just mean. On the subject of being mean, sometimes a mean comment is disguised by what is, in essence, something apparently quite nice. Reminds me of the time when a friend, when asked what the best feature of his new girlfriend was, said: “Well she’s got interesting eyes”. When pressed to elaborate, he was slightly embarrassed to admit that his latest squeeze was ‘cross-eyed’. How does that make her eyes interesting? Well they were that interesting that the left one kept looking at the right one!

I wouldn’t say the girls in my neck of the woods are rough but the definition of a classy girl around here, is one that has all her tattoos spelt correctly.

On that note, there is something quite funny about people who get a tattoo done and end up with the wrong spelling of whatever it is meant to say. Not only will they have to live the rest of their lives with a non-removable tattoo, they will also have to live with the shame of forever being known as a ‘muppet’ who couldn’t spell. (Of course they could always blame the tattoo artist.) Really, would it be so hard, if you were insistent on a word tattoo, to look up the correct spelling in a dictionary?

Interestingly, woman are more likely to go to a dermatologist to get their tattoo removed than their male counterparts. Whether this is because of misspelt tattoos is open to debate. It is more likely that they realise, with age, tattoos tend to lose a certain amount of tautness, shall we say.

From tattoos to driving now; there is a general misconception that female drivers are really bad and should be banned from the roads because their driving is so bad. It is an awful stereotype to consider as there is no prove that female drivers are worse than male drivers.

True story. A woman was returning home from work in her car and on her return, her family noticed that the car had a flat tyre. The woman admitted that she had noticed it when she left her work but thought it was safe to drive because it the tyre was only flat at the bottom.

Ironically, this was the same woman who asked her husband to buy a longer dipstick for the car as the one they had wasn’t long enough to reach the oil.