One of the inescapable questions men have pondered over the millennia is just what do women hear when men speak? After years of listening, researching and beatings, I’ve come up with a few answers which are close enough to get the point across.

Men are taught from a young age to use as few words as possible in any conversation, unless it’s about “guy things” while talking to other men. Say what you have to say, and then back off. While this works with men, women don’t understand; at least pretending not to.

Years of dealing with women force men to learn intrigue, whether they want to or not. If they don’t, men find themselves way past middle age and very alone. Most of us non-political men have no idea how to play word games. So we muddle through it as best as we can. Even if we do know “word games”, men are at a kindergarten level when compared to most women.

Women are also taught the art of nodding when dealing with men. They don’t hear a damn thing we’re saying, since it interests them in no way, but they know the exact moments to nod, making us think they’re listening. Even if they are listening to the main points, usually they don’t care.

“Honey, I fixed the car.”

To us, it is a simple straight forward statement. What women hear is, “Honey, I’m too cheap to pay some mechanic to fix the car, so I used some bailing wire and duct tape to fix it. It should be fine unless you actually drive/use it.” This can also be applied to any household appliance that men fix. While it may be true that we don’t want to pay a mechanic, women fail to realize that it’s not because we’re cheap. Mechanics use a little book to tell them how long a break job takes. It takes about ten to fifteen minutes per wheel. The little book the mechanic uses says it takes five hours. Mechanics charge an average of sixty to one hundred dollars an hour for labor. Then they double or even triple the actual cost of the parts.

“You look nice today.”

We mean it when we say it. Women only seem to hear the “today” part of that sentence. They think that we didn’t like how they looked yesterday, the day before, and so on. I think women hear something like, “How about some sex? I don’t really think you look nice, but I’d really like to have sex tonight.” Men don’t say things they don’t mean. It takes too much effort. If we say you look good, fine, sexy, or great we really do mean it. Even if you’re wearing a potato sack, if we love you, it doesn’t matter.

“How much does it cost?”

Innocent enough question. I believe women hear, “Jesus woman! How much more of my blood will you shed on the stones today? Do you really need that three hundred dollar outfit? What will we eat?” We’d like to know how much it is, so we can figure other places to cut some costs. We like our toys and we know that you need yours too. We know that women are doing mental calculations after we ask. They’re working on a number low enough to please us, because we can’t understand paying sixty dollars for a pair of sneakers.

“What’s for dinner?”

First guys, don’t ask this question. It’s a no win question, so don’t bother uttering it. We’d like to know, but you’re in for some murderous looks if you do ask. They want us to eat whatever they put out, say it was delicious, and clean up without being asked. I think woman hear something more like, “I’m not taking you out to dinner again tonight, and so what the hell are you throwing together? I don’t like most of the things you cook, but I have to eat something. Maybe you could buy something that I like every once in a while?” This just isn’t true. We just want to know what it is. Sometimes we get heartburn, and may want to plan accordingly. Women already call us “gas factories”, so we have to be careful. We usually don’t care what’s for dinner, because we just shovel it into our mouths in a quick and orderly fashion. We ask so that you will actually talk to us. Second, you’re in for several days of cold sandwiches and warm water if you ask.

“Why is there underwear hanging in the shower?”

Don’t ask this. You’re in for a dissertation, so just shut up. Women actually hear, “Why the hell is this lingerie hanging in the shower that I have to use? You should be wearing it, not teasing me by hanging it in here. You don’t see my underwear hanging in here do you?” If it were ever explained to most men that silk panties have to be hand washed and hung up to dry, we might not ever ask. Men’s clothes are wash and wear. There are more directions for washing women’s clothes then there are amendments to the Constitution.

“Where are the things I had hanging up in the living room?”

Women believe that anything a man hangs up is tacky and rude, not to mention, it almost never matches the theme of the room. They hear, “Why is my stuff gone? You have that crappy flower print up that I have to look at, and my autographed comic book has been relegated to the attic? Why in the hell is it always my stuff that has to get moved. You are heartless.” Honestly ladies. Men have things that they like too. We just don’t care if it “matches” the color scheme of a room. We’re proud of whatever it is, and like to look at it. Men generally have to give up the bathroom, so why not cut them some slack? Men need a room too, and I’m not talking about the garage or a shed at the back of the property.

I’ll cut this off for now. Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that men and women definitely have differences of opinion, and especially hearing. It is too bad that there isn’t a universal ‘guy lingo’ translator that is portable and easy to use.