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Where to Take a Girl on a First Date
Not sure where to take a girl on that crucial first date? Don’t fret. Here are some first-rate first-date ideas that any woman would be crazy not to love.
You’ve lined up a first date with the girl of your dreams. But where do you take her—the movies, a cafe, a restaurant? Bo-ring. Here are some first-date ideas that will leave your lucky lady clamoring for more.
Take Her to a Strip Club
For some reason, many overlook this obvious first-date destination. Strip clubs offer great chicken wings, spirited performers, and so much ambiance it’ll probably make you and your little lady both shit your pants, or at least want to. Actually, it might be the chicken wings that make you want to shit your pants, but you’ll both be having such a good time it won’t even matter.
Going to a strip club is a good opportunity for you to show your date how you interact with women. So be friendly with the strippers. Slap them kindly on the ass as they bring your drinks, slide dollar bills cordially into their underwear as they thrust their privates into your date’s face, and make sure to ask them about politics. In my experience, strippers always have the most fascinating political views. I met this one dancer, for instance, who was absolutely convinced that Millard Fillmore was just Abraham Lincoln’s nickname for Ronald Reagan. And now I’m convinced of the same thing, even if the chronology doesn’t exactly line up.
And for Christ’s sake, don’t be stingy. Get the girl a lap dance. She’ll probably play shy and tell you she doesn’t want one, she may even threaten to leave if you get her one, but don’t listen to her—in her heart of hearts, she wants nothing more than to be sat on by a dirty stripper. All women do. It’s in their DNA.
Invite Her to the Dollar Store
A wide variety of products, great value, friendly staff—what’s not to love about the dollar store?
Give your date anywhere between five and eight dollars when she gets there and tell her to buy anything she wants, as long as she brings back a few dollars in change. If you give her four dollars, she will walk away, and if you give her nine dollars, she will walk away. I don’t know why that’s the way it is, but that’s the way it is.
While she’s shopping, you should wait outside the store and have a cigarette or two, even if you don’t smoke. This will give her the privacy she needs to pick out what she really wants and will give you a chance to suck on some smooth Camel Lights.
When she comes out of the store, it’s time to examine her purchases. These will tell you everything you need to know about the girl who bought them and a surprising amount about the future of your relationship.
If she buys between five and eight dollars worth of condoms, then she wants to have sex with you, or someone else. And call me old-fashioned, but a girl who trusts dollar-store condoms is okay in my book.
If she buys any type of meat product—beef patties, hot dogs, dollar sirloins, even dog food—then break things off right then and there. She’s a closeted lesbian.
If she buys any cat toys, she is also a closeted lesbian, but you should stay with her, because she will have a hilarious sense of humor. After a few awkward dates you will settle into a comfortable routine in which you watch reruns of Roseanne together every Friday night and then retire to the bedroom, where you each masturbate in your own corner of the bed while repeating the other’s name aloud to the beat of a John Philip Sousa march. Eventually this will become like sex for you, and all other forms of erotic activity will seem foreign and unattractive. Suddenly she will leave you to join the Marines, and you will be all alone in the world, looking hopelessly for another girl who loves Roseanne and mutual masturbation as much as you do.
If she buys any sort of topical cream, then you two will end up getting married. Not because you love each other—no, you will really dislike this one—but because you’ll get her pregnant and she’ll oversleep on the day she was supposed to go the abortion clinic. Or at least that’ll be her excuse. She will drink during her pregnancy and your child will suffer several birth defects, including really large nipples and an inability to do complex calculus.
If she buys you a gift with the money, I advise you to throw it in her face. She’s trying too hard to impress you, and no one likes a brown-noser.
Invite Her to Your Place of Work During Your Shift
This way, she can see you in action. “What a hard-working guy,” she’ll think to herself. “I really ought to fuck him.”
Tell her to bring a Gameboy or Sudoku or something, though, because these dates can really drag on, often as long as eight to ten hours. I remember one time I had this date with a girl at the manure plant where I was working, and my shift must have been fourteen hours long. Well, long story short, I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I completely forgot I was on a date and just went home without telling the girl. The next Monday, they found her cold, lifeless body at the bottom of a giant manure pile. Cause of death: heartbreak. Or at least that’s what I think. They found a bunch of drugs in her system, too, though, so that could’ve been a factor.
So don’t settle for the conventional first-date spots. Because girls don’t want to eat a nice meal, or have an interesting conversation over coffee, or see a hilarious movie. Girls want to be shocked, and disappointed, and sat on by dirty strippers. As I said before, it’s in their DNA. And you can’t argue with science!
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35 Comments
When you read to the end this basicly says hey lets get the girl of my dream dead/dumped. This is stupid if you ask me. The beggining is fine jsut toward the end I can sense your messed up killer.
Hey Garg26 you dummass its supossed to be satire.
How about bringing her to a haunted castle?
Good article. Now ur turn to commenting on my articles
lol youve got one hell of a sense of humour.keep it up, i look forward to any more articles you write.
not the strip club!
checking out other females while trying to hook up with one?
are u kidding me?
Strip club for the first date…probably not a good idea
I’m 15, this may not work for me -_-
lol. I love the people who don’t understand the basic concept of satire.
I started laughing at the first option. I wouldn’t pick that as a first date. Maybe the second. Nothing wrong with strip clubs. Maybe you can find out what ticks her off that way…
You must have had some interesting dates then.
I saw this in this movie “My best friends girl”
I like to take them to a slaughterhouse. It gives them a sense that, animals or not, life is short. Money in the bank
dude… this isn’t helping…
. i’m 15, i can’t go to stripping clubs yet.!!! 
.
loved it!
LOL, most young teens thought this was the answer to they prayers.But you managed to destroy it for comedy. Great Job!
liked it
Lovely
I read the title out of curisoity and man these are funny and stupid ideas, if they work then hey go for it.
Definitely not a strip club on the first day. You need to get a sense of what women want–try being romantic. Start with a candlelit dinner with the table covered in rose petals, and let the moment take you from there…
ahahahhah this made me laugh. if it’s supposed to be humorous, then you’re spot on:P
feel sorry for the poor buggers who actually try these though
Why not, I’d go to a strip club… with men on stage though, hehe. Can I invite the author to a date, please?
Nice piece, but I think you should compose it with a female first : ), so next time you decide to do a piece like this, bring a lass with ya!
Nice work anyway : )
Marie Milton
Interesting advice. I wondered if you had considered taking a woman to church on your first date. A woman realizing that she is with a man who loves God is always a plus. I have tried the strip club as a date, and it was a disaster. Turned out she kinda dug , chicks. As far as letting a chick come to your job i kinda think she gets an opportunity 2 size up your paycheck. Good article though.
…..i have serious doubts about this…..im almost 100% sure if i do this, im gona get either smacked in the face or dumped….
none of those are gonna work dude, stick to dinner and a movie
yah theres a good chance she’ll walk out the dollar store thing is a little cheap. not cool
This is actually pretty funny. Kudos to those who actually figured out it was a joke.
Hey read my article!
Top Ten Love Phrases!
http://purpleslinky.com/trivia/top-10-love-phrases/
Leave comment please!
See you later, aligator
Dude thats kinda weird…
Check this out:
http://socyberty.com/relationships/where-exactly-to-take-a-girl-on-a-first-date/
LMao OMG you are so funny, keep these articles up.
Haha, I hope you are not tying to get us dumped. I like it though. read my articles as well and please comment.
Don’t take your date to Walmart. She will find all her friends there!
Haha, for a moment i thought u was serious. =D
Nice one.
well, as a girl, my idea of a perfect first date would be walking around nyc in circles for a few hours only to end up at a toss your own salad place (which, in case you didn’t know, is a restaurant where you can make your own salad). if there were no toss your own salad places around, then i guess a stop at my favorite bagel shop, h&h midtown bagels east (please don’t confuse with the famous, real h&h bagels!) would suffice.
but kudos on the dollar store idea! i really like that one! but i have one question. hypothetically, if a girl came out with a fake-meat product, like a soy hotdog, would you still consider her to be a closeted lesbian? hypothetically, of course. and i mean, lets be serious, guys loove watching girls eat hot dogs right? so that probably means shes the perfect girl if she buys a soy-dog in the dollar store.