St. Luke: Translated into Valley-speak

Many of you already know that the most popular edition of the Holy Bible is the King James Version (KJV). (There is a hilarious foreword in there that you absolutely must read, make time to do this in the very near future. It’s basically a bunch of ancient scholars completely making King James look like a demi-god so that they could get they’re bible published. It was a very good butt-kissing, let me tell you.)

The King James Version of the Holy Bible went through a zillion translations before it ended up in the British English we enjoy today. It went something like Early Aramaic to Greek to Latin to German to Swahili and back to German so it could be translated finally into English. A lot of the original nuances have been lost, and in some cases, it has really mellowed out since then. For instance, the Song of Solomon was something that pubescent boys would hide under their beds. I guess that the English scholars thought that anything that was written from those millennia must have been the direct word of God. It was kind of like going through and publishing a landfill of biblical newspapers, novels, and dirty magazines. Absolutely everything got the God-approved stamp.

I think it would be appropriate to go through one more translation so that the teenagers in San Diego can understand exactly what was being said. Thus, I have translated a small section of the New Testament into Valley-speak, so it won’t be so confusing to the modern ear.

This text can be found in the first chapter of St. Luke, in the King James Bible.

26 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,

27 to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary. Mt. 1.18

So this dude comes cruising into Galilee, and the chicks there said quote, “Oh God, he’s so hot.” There was also this chick Mary there that was already engaged, but she still had to look twice.

28 And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favored, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

And this dude saw Mary, looked her up and down, and said, “Girl, you look like God made you up special. And just between you and me, I think you’re the cutest one here.”

29 And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

Of course, she thought he was way too smooth for his own good.

30 And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favor with God.

He said, “Hey, relax. I wouldn’t bother with you unless you hadn’t done something really special to my heart.”

31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS. Mt. 1.21

Uh, this part is awkward, and there isn’t a whole lot of explaining that will need to happen here.

32 He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:

33 and he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end. Is. 9.7

He also smooth talked her some more, and promised her the moon and stuff.

34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?

Then Mary said, “How will I explain this to my dad? I am engaged you know. He’s gonna be spitting mad.”

35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.

He said, “Well, you’ll have to think fast. Remember, this was all worth it, right?”