Recently, I had the opportunity of accompanying my wife on her latest shopping trip for clothing.  Not that I’m complaining mind you because I’ve been on many of these excursions over the years all more time consuming then the last one.  Well I guess I am complaining a little bit. . 

For you guys out there who’ve never had the pleasure of accompanying your female friends, girlfriends or wives on a shopping trip, let me tell you it will be an adventure you may never come back from…at least until the store closes. 

I had my first experience of shopping with a woman way back in high school when I went with a couple of my female friends to the local mall.  I knew I was in trouble as soon as I entered the first clothing store.  My friend told me to wait over by one of the clothing rack while she quote tried on a “few things”, emphasis on the word few. 

I wandered over to one of the clothing racks near the fitting rooms and found a place to lean.  I let out a sigh and looked around.  To my surprise and chagrin there were about five other guys stationed around me leaning on the clothing racks who appeared to be in various stages of boredom.  One poor guy even managed to lift his arm up enough to wave at me.

Three hours later my friend had managed to try on more clothes then I, thought the store had. 

Over the years, and many more shopping trips later I have learned, there are basic differences between the way men and women shop for clothing—men hunt when they shop women gather. 

Now before you bash my theory I know then are men out there who gather when they shop and there woman who hunt.  I have been in a women’s clothing store when there is a big sale going on—it was not pretty.  But remember I am only talking about clothing here.

The reason I say I am a hunter is because when I shop I wander into any store, big box or otherwise, armed with the knowledge of what I want, socks underwear, shirt—whatever.  I walk into the store head to the men’s clothing section, and seek out only what I came for.

I throw those items into the shopping cart, make my way to the front of the store, where I wait in line for far longer then it took me to shop before paying and leaving. 

I am usually in and out of the store in less than thirty minutes-5 minutes shopping and 25 minutes waiting in line to pay.  Next time I think I’ll stay out of the express lane.

My wife on the other hand is a clothing gatherer.  She enters the store with only one thing on her mind—to gather at least one piece of clothing from each of the racks in the store.  Once she has this done she takes them to fitting room and tries them on, only to find she doesn’t like any of them so she goes back and gets more then disappears back into the fitting room.

While she is gone, I amuse myself by watching the poor schlep who works at the fitting sort through the piles of discarded clothing, which accumulates outside the women’s fitting rooms, so some other poor schlep can try and find where they belong in the store. 

While I stood there smiling my wife popped back out of the fitting room.

 “How do you like this outfit?” she asked

A loaded question if I ever heard one.

I glanced at her for a moment then answered. “It looks great on you.  Are you ready to go yet?”

“You don’t really like it…you’re just saying that.” 

She turned and headed back into the fitting room. 

“No!” I pleaded to her retreating form. “I really like this one not like all those other times.”

Oops, did I say that?

After about five hours, forty or more outfits and forty more times of my pleading to her how good they all looked on her my wife exited the fitting rooms empty handed.

“Don’t say it,” she said. “Let’s go grocery shopping.”

“Oh goody,” I muttered under my breath.

“What’s that dear?”

“Nothing,” I said. “By the way do you have any pain killers on you?”

This article is an exaggeration of the events as they actually occurred.  The time spent in the store and the amount of clothing tried on were kept to a minimal because my wife would kill me if I actually told you guys how much time it actually took in the store.