As a woman who has almost a pathological dislike of housework, I decided as soon as I was old enough to do any that the only sensible course to take on this habitual, though still a mainly feminine occupation, was evasive action, as you would with any hated work. Over the years through trial – and some error! -I have developed and fine tuned the art of avoidance. Being of a sybaritic nature, without a trace of puritanism I am pleased to say, I feel absolutely no guilt about this, and to likeminded women I give details of my findings and experiences below.

Vacuuming

The designers and makers of vacuum cleaners have aided us, although not in the way they

intended – I am talking weight here – that of most cleaners. We all know how heavy these are

to push around. My feelings have always been they are designed by men for men, so who

are we females to interfere in an all male affair. Let them get on with it. I have, therefore,

found that by simply following, instead of suppressing, your natural – and let’s face it unavoidable

- reaction when shoving these infernal machines around to stumble emitting loud groans and

sighs, which is inevitable considering the weight of the machine, whilst asking no one in

particular “I wonder who is the idiot responsible for making this machine so heavy?” leads quite nicely to the desired effect resulting from the question.

This is to ask the nearest male – as obviously you are not going to start vacuuming if there is no man around – to finish the task for you, at the same time collapsing in a handy chair, apologising profusely between what should sound like painful gasps of air, and probably is!, as if you have just gone one round with Lennox Lewis. (We are going for Oscars here). It also helps if you are small and slender for which I am forever grateful. The upshot is the man will say yes, although there are a few ungentlemenly ones who will make cracks about “laziness “, but who cares as long as you get what you want, i.e the vacuuming done.

Cleaning

As in washbasins, loos, sinks, worktops and similar surfaces around the house. (You will note that I have not mentioned the kitchen floor, as the dedicated avoider will no doubt have, or should have, carpet tiles laid in the kitchen which can be vacuumed with the rest of the house. If a section gets particularly dirty, it can easily be replaced). Make it a rule that whoever dirties these items, cleans them immediately. It is easy enough to find the culprit who does not comply. You question everybody to find out who last used the offending item. However, if no one admits to being the guilty party, then you simply select – after careful questioning – the one you suspect, to do the cleaning. To a child’s cry of “ this is unfair as it wasn’t me “, you simply point out that he or she is being taught a good lesson for the future when they become adults, which is a that life is unfair. Also tell them it is character building which sounds good, and has the added advantage of leaving them speechless. If you still have the usual type of flooring in the kitchen, not to worry, the same rules apply. Actually

You will find that if every one in a house cleans up after themselves, e.g rinsing out the washbasin or bath after use, keeping a house clean will be a doddle.

Dusting

The children should enjoy this. Playing around with all the ornaments and those things they come across that they find interesting, They can be absorbed for hours, especially if they find something they had thought lost – or better still for you, an item that you have been looking for – and “the icing on the cake” for them, what they were not allowed to touch before, but can to their little hearts’ content now. In such instances, I would not recommend churlishness on your part when you find out, especially if they break a treasured ornament!, we do not want to build up resentment with battles galore in the future when they are asked to do the dusting, cleaning or whatever. You must be tolerant in such matters to achieve your aim of virtually doing no housework, which is the object of the exercise. You must leave them thinking “mum is nice, doesn’t make a fuss about such things like some other mothers would, so 1 don’t mind helping out”. Remember the old adage, “honey catches more flies than vinegar”.

Before proceeding, I will deal with a couple of questions which are no doubt buzzing around in the heads of a number of you. Foremost will be how to deal with a recalcitrant husband or partner who ignores your cleaning rules and has the nerve to say that it is your job to do the cleaning. There are still a few of these reactionaries about! Well, all of those who have tried to get a cleaner to come in once or twice a week, know how difficult it can be, which is why you are reading this, for avoidance ideas. However, there are agencies which provide cleaners at a high hourly rate, as obviously they have to take a commission to cover their expenses and salaries for providing this service. Therefore, as I am a great believer in hitting a person where it hurts most – that is in the pocket – my advice is you tell your husband/ partner if he will not help out you will book agency cleaners, and do so, getting the agency to bill him. He will soon fall in line.

A Word About Children

Unfortunately, when they are small, you will have to do their share of household duties. This is unavoidable I am afraid, but once they are capable of doing some chores, the sooner you get them started, the better, expanding their duties as rapidly as they can deal with them. The obvious benefits to you do not need pointing out. As they get older, when they want extra pocket money, you negotiate that they do your cleaning in return. It follows that you could also bribe them at other times to do your share which will leave you with nothing to do. Bliss. I do not have to tell you it is good sense to keep this arrangement private from your husband or partner!

Actually, for those women who have decided not to have any children, it may be worth a rethink on having just one child to give you several years of no cleaning, but on second thoughts, maybe not.

You will note that I have made no distinction between the work to be done by the female and male child. There should be none. After all you may have two boys. Besides, any future wife or girlfriend of a boy brought up in this way will be forever grateful to you, solving with one stroke the problem of “the mother – in – law” in the former case and “his mother” in the latter’s, words usually said with some venom, but will not be when referring to you.

Ironing

1 cannot understand why, in this day and age, with all the modern technology that we have, there are extremely few items of clothing which, after washing and drying, can just be shaken – or put on a hanger for a short while – then worn. You would expect there to be, at least by now, a number of enterprising manufacturers making such clothing so that ironing is obsolete, a thing of the past, to tell the grandchildren about. Still, moaning will not help, we have to do the best with what we have got, or haven’t got in this instance! I first thought that ironing was one obstacle I would not be able to get around. I was happy to be proved wrong.

The solution occurred by accident, when I was in a foul mood after a disagreement with a colleague at the office, made even fouler by the thought of having to iron when I got home. I took my rage out on the clothes which left two shirts and handkerchiefs with creases ironed into them, rather than out, trousers and ties with scorch marks and, in addition, burnt holes in a matching silk shirt and tie. After this disaster, I was asked never ever to do the ironing again, and was delighted to oblige, and I have kept my word ever since. After all, I do think we should give people what they want – provided, of course, that it coincides with what we want. Oddly enough, that day I had decided to iron my own clothes at another time, so none of mine got damaged.

This was not an intentional ploy. Trust me! Anyway, since then my clothes are also included in the rest of the ironing, leaving me free from this chore. Heaven! I remember once, some years before the above incident, I was going out with this boy who came round to my flat unexpectedly, when I was looking at a small mound of my newly washed clothes, concentrating very hard and trying so desperately to see if I could use the power of telekinesis, (I had just read an interesting article on the subject), to do the ironing. He took one look at the mound, his face lit up, and he said “Oh, you are going to iron.

I have some clothes at my place that needs ironing too”. My immediate response was “Well, in that case, you can do mine also”. His face fell and he suggested that we each do our own. The rotter. The lesson to those of you with boyfriends is to get in first when in a similar situation, before he can ask you, thus ending up at worst, with each of you doing your own, or at best, he might just say “alright”.

(One thing I can never understand are people who iron items of clothing that the public never sees, e.g. panties, underpants etc. I do not see the point).

Laundry

This should present no problem, and let us face it, chucking things in the washing machine is hardly an arduous task. The children or your husband/partner can easily deal with this and then either hang the clothes and other items out, or dry them in the tumble drier. A combined washing machine and dryer will make it even easier for them, as they will not have to take the washing out of the machine to put it in a separate dryer, and this would show thoughtfulness on your part. The children can then fold whatever does not need ironing for putting away – you, of course, will put your folded things away instead of getting them to do it, which should earn you kudos.

Those for ironing can be left out for whoever is doing this job, because as the children get older, no doubt, your partner/ husband will get the child he trusts not to make a hash of it, to take turns with this chore. As there are quite a few adverts now where people will come to your house and collect all that needs ironing, then deliver these back to you ironed, you can occasionally give the child and your man a treat by paying for this to be done. They will think you are rather sweet.

Washing Up

It goes without saying that this will present no problem as you will have a dishwasher. The children will enjoy loading the machine – the man of the house may very well enjoy this also – and you can oversee them until they get proficient, when they can simply be left to do this following meals. Their faces shining with pleasure as they carry out this duty will leave a warming glow in your heart. One word of advice, do ensure that you have a sufficient number of cups, glasses, crockery, cutlery and pots and pans, so you have enough to last you until the machine is fully – or nearly fully – loaded for washing.

Cooking

You will note that this subject is out of sequence with the rest of the household duties, as to

my mind it is a bit of a hybrid, because although cooking has to be done on a daily basis, it

cannot strictly be called a household duty, or can it? Anyway, some women – and men -

actually enjoy it. Think of all those preening posturing male chefs! Funnily enough, this

is the one and only thing in the home that I have come to enjoy during the past few years.,

providing I do not have to do it every day. I love cooking with spices, herbs, wine and all the other ingredients you can add to create different dishes. Needless to say, for my part plain and simple mundane food is out when I am cooking.

Those who do not like any of my meals, cook their own. There is no pandering to fussy people or children by my cooking a separate meal for them. They can ask me not to cook a portion of, say, sprouts for them, as they do not like these, and I will comply with their request, but that is as far as it goes. I will even be so good as to offer them any alternative I have which can be cooked in the same pan with whatever I am cooking, and for roughly a similar length of time, give or take a few minutes. After all, I am not completely inflexible. I do not, however, make desserts or cakes, the former generally tends to be far too finicky to prepare, with the ingredients having to be mixed separately, for which I have neither the patience, inclination nor the time.

Simple cakes I tried on a couple of occasions when 1 had a rush of blood to the head. They were not successful. Suffice it to say that each time I ended up with a cake that could knock your average sized man over. Anyway, there are such a nice and large variety of cakes and desserts available nowadays, that there really is no need to have a go at making these, unless you are a TV cook, and they get handsomely paid for it which, no doubt, is their incentive! From the time I started cooking, I quickly gained a reputation as the person who could “burn water”. To this day, I am still ribbed about it.

My idea of cooking a main meal was strictly one dimensional and by the clock, the only seasoning being salt, pepper and a stock cube. It did not matter what cut of meat it was, for example, steak or braising beef, all were cooked in the same way. The cooking time I gave to meat or poultry was one hour, potatoes or rice, half an hour and vegetables fifteen minutes! I would, therefore, put the meat or poultry in a large frying pan, put a lot of water in, place it on a medium heat setting, cover the pan and leave it for half an hour. At the end of that time I would go back into the kitchen, put on the potatoes or rice and at the same time add salt, pepper and a stock cube to the poultry or meat. After fifteen minutes had elapsed, back to the kitchen I went and put on the vegetables.

After another fifteen minutes had elapsed, I announced to everyone that the meal was ready. When I dished out and placed the brimming (because of the amount of water I had placed in the frying pan) plates on the table, I cheerfully ignored the look of dismay on their faces, which turned to horror when they tasted the food. As far as I was concerned, they were being ungrateful. I had done the cooking, which I did not like doing anyway, as they well knew, so the least they could do was accept the meal gracefully and eat it without pulling faces, or leaving most of it.

I must admit that a number of times my scheme did not go as planned. I would get engrossed in a book between my trips to the kitchen – I have always loved reading and still do – and would forget about the time, being reminded by a persistent burning smell. This would entail a dash to the kitchen, the frying pan being yanked off the heat – as invariably it was this that got burnt – fill it with cold water at the sink to loosen the meat, which I would then put into a clean pan with lots of fresh water, re-adding my usual seasoning. With this mis-timing, the boiled potatoes would end up more like mash, or if it was rice, like pap, and the vegetables more than usually soggy, with the water they were cooked in far more nutritional than they.

This state of affairs did not last very long, which will come as no surprise to you I am sure. The family soon only ate breakfast, and something light in the evenings at home, having their main meal out during the week. At weekends, the man of the house did the cooking. Well, the top chefs in the world are after all men.

After the Children Leave Home

No doubt, you are thinking this is all very well but what happens when the children grow up and leave home.

Ah, for parents – yours. You remember them. Their continuing love. The childhood memories. They will be delighted to help. They cannot wait to do so. Think of their visits to you, when they still treat you like a child, and how they just love being useful. So, you ask them to move in. They will be forever grateful and will happily and cheerfully take on all the household duties. They will even do the cooking. Your husband or partner will, therefore, be relieved at not having to do any household chores, thus forestalling any objection he may have had to their living with you. In fact, he will be so pleased with your consideration for him – remember this man has been carrying out a lot of household duties for years whilst you, of course, have very sensibly avoided any – you can, therefore, look forward to him showing his gratitude by giving you unexpected presents, regular weekends away, as well as the usual foreign holidays, this time with peace of mind, as your parents will act as housesitters as well.

Naturally, you will send them on yearly holidays – after all they are your adoring parents and you love them – but try and persuade them to take their holidays one week at a time spread throughout the year for obvious reasons, that is you don’t want them to return to a build-up of housework, which will leave them needing another holiday after they have spent time busily catching up with all the things that need doing. If they fail to see that you are thinking of them, and are being caring by your suggestion, and they insist on having holidays lasting two weeks at a time, then on their own heads be it.

Finally!

I am so excited by the robots that are being created in Japan. Just the thought that in a few years, robots – although presently they can only do a few simple chores, ignore the ones built for entertainment purposes, I (as I am sure you are) am quite capable of finding my own entertainment, thank you – for doing all the household chores will be on the market gives me quite a thrill. No more machinations – no pun intended – to avoid housework. You just programme or tell the robot what to do, and it does what you wish without question. This is what 1 have always wanted. Haven’t you?