Often has the question been asked: “What are these things on the end of my feet? What do you call them? What do they do? Where did they come from? Why do I have ten of them? What do they taste like? Does everyone else have them? Why are we so ashamed of them that we hide them under socks and shoes? Why am I asking myself so many questions at once? When will I get an answer?” Well the answer to all those questions is “Now!” and that especially answers the last one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the answers you’ve been looking for. For the first time and for the last time I give you, in no particular order, ten things you can do with your toes!

1. Count them!
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That’s right! If you’re ever getting rusty on your numbers and your counting then just rip those bad boys and and count “em up one by one… two… three… four… five…

2. Eat them!

You”d be surprised how many people starve to death every year because they never realised just what a tasty and delicious treat their toes are. They’re especially good with a smokey BBQ sauce. Yum yum!

3. Scare small children with them!

Have you got your halloween costume this year? Have you got your toes a Halloween costume this year? People underestimate just how frightening toes can be. Did you ever stop to think about the toes of Jason Vorhees? What about the toes of Predetor? I’ve even heard that for the movie “Halloween 2″ Mike Meyers was played by a big toe. Scary stuff! Especially scary for the 0-3 age group. Don’t waste this perfectly good opportunity to make small children cry and wet themselves with terror.

4. Date then!

Don’t be caught out on the town alone on friday evening and don’t be one of those losers who sits at home by themselves on saturday night. You can be man about town with a different date every night if you date your toes one at a time. Or you can date all ten at once and be a real pimp!

5. Paint them!

Most people don’t know this but toes are excellent models. They can sit motionless for hours on end and they know how to strike a pose. Next time you’re feeling artistic you should ask your toes to model for you and then paint away!

6. Tame them!

The circus has just never been the same since all those laws against animal cruelty were introduced. Don’t get me wrong! I don’t like to see animals getting abused or hurt but you can’t deny it put a real downer on your big top fun. Well despair no more, clowns! There are no laws about cruelty to toes and their easily tamed and trained. Now you can have dancers performing on the back of white toes and you can have fearless toe tamers risking their life with nothing but a whip. Suddenly the circus is one happening place to be!

7. Burn them!

Nothing says romance like a toe-light dinner. Throw away those old scented candles and put those matches to your toes. Your loved one will appreciate the extra mile you’ve gone to make the evening a special one.

8. Sing to them!

Toes love to be serenaded and when you think about all the things they do for you, is it really so much to ask that you sing them some Bon Jovi or Cat Stevens ones in a while? I didn’t think so. And yes, all toes love Bon Jovi and Cat Stevens.

9. Swiss them!

What does that mean, you ask? Well just take a look at block of swiss cheese and let your mind fill in the blanks.

10. Send them hunting!

Toes really shine when conditions are brutal. It’s well known that in the early days of man when the ice age struck and food became rarer tribes would send out hunting parties of toes. Sometimes up to forty or fifty toes would go out looking for a mammoth and they were damn good at what they did. So if you ever find yourself desperately struggling to survive in an ice age then remember that your toes may be your only hope of survival!