Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say to Security Guards

They are low paying but they have a job to do. They protect our airports, our office buildings, our department stores, and our industrial complexes. They are the security guards. Here are ten things that you shouldn’t say to a security guard:

1. I bet you can’t guess what that bulge in my pocket is
2. I think you need a new uniform. I can see part of your butt in the back. It isn’t a pleasant sight.
3. I bet your IQ is approximately the size of your waistline
4. Do you stand on your feet all day? I bet your feet are killing you. Perhaps I can sell you a new pair of shoes.
5. I’m not feeling very well. I went to a party the other night and really got bombed.
6. Are you moonlighting or is this your real job?
7. Neat security cameras. I hope it didn’t capture my pants. I forgot to zip up.
8. Is your name Earl? How about Bubba? Maybe Bert? You sure look tall, dark, and stupid. Why are you pointing that gun at me? Why are you telling me to spread my legs? You are so touchy.
9. Look at the value of this diamond ring. It’s such a steal. No I didn’t mean that I was planning to steal it. Why are you getting the store manager?
10. Are you part of the homeland security force? I thought you’d like to know that there is a suspicious truck parked outside your building. I think that a fellow mentioned the words explosives. What’s that? You don’t see a truck outside. Ah I was just pulling your leg. Why are you handcuffing me? Can’t you take a joke?