Detection

Catch your potential secret agent off guard and ask them: Are you a secret agent?

Inside of every secret agent there is in fact, a human being. He or she may answer you, because the hope to impress, deep down.

CAUTION : Most secret agents are going to be expecting this, and even if they aren’t the chances of fooling your agent into telling you the truth are very slim. Secret agents are after all, very secretive.

Check the suspect’s place of residence out.

Comb the place, top to bottom . If you happen to stumble upon an entire closet full of awesome black suits, you may want to become suspicious. And if there also just happens to be a lone suit behind a glass case in the middle of the room that reeks of magnificence, Put that thing on right now! It may very well be a suit much like the Tuxedo… And if that’s the case you don’t ever want an agent to wear it.

CAUTION : If your agent comes home while you are searching his house, and is in fact really an agent, you are probably doomed.

Check his ears, as well as his sanity.

If there is a small, coiling wire leading up to his ear then the suspect is probably in fact, a secret agent. Although you may not see the device, as secret agents are highly trained in the arts of being stealthy, and of course, deception. If this is the case, walk up to him and ask questions like: “What day is it? Are aliens real? Do you think the world is going to end tomorrow because of space invaders? This will be helpful for you because you want to know if he is just talking to himself, or mumbling instructions to a fellow agents, which may very well be to take you out. And if this turns out to be true, then you probably will never make it to number four in this list.

CAUTION : Some of the more expert agents have been trained in the art of ventriloquism, And might be speaking to an unseen device anyway. So this step may or may not help you, though I can’t promise anything.

Beware of dark sunglasses indoors

Okay, so there are several people in the world that choose to wear dark sunglasses, but not indoors and in the case of most agents, you will find that there is a very good reason behind wearing the glasses…. But they’re not telling, so let’s just assume that the glasses themselves are set to explode at the wearer’s discretion. But that’s not really the point right now. The point is, if the guy has dark sunglasses on inside, keep a wide birth for now.

CAUTION: I may have forgotten to mention that when you stare at secret agent for very long they tend to notice, and will most likely come after you. But before you move on to confrontation, just to be sure your attacker really is a secret agent please read number five.

Test his reflexes and weaponry

Okay: First off this will kind of give you a heads up on what you’re really dealing with, and maybe even help you in the fight ahead. So: look around you. Kind of hard to do when reading this instruction list and running away from a very possible secret agent I know, but you need to find out what this agent is packing. Find something heavy (pool balls work great, although most people don’t bother to carry them around for some reason,) and throw it at his head. If he dodges it with a classic matrix move or shoots it down quickly then please move on to part two of this article.

Confrontation

So lets say that the confirmed secret agent now fully realizes that you have been spying on him, and is now ready to kill you. (You should have known this would happen, following somebody around with a list…) So here a few things that might help you be able to fend him off. Here’s the catch though: for this to work, you are going to have to run into the nearest house that you can find. Unless of course the agent happens to be in a house with you right now, if that’s the case, just forget the caution and go on to part two.

Making Use Of Common Household Items In A Fight With A Secret Agent

Picture Frames

When you rush into a house the first room you’re most like to encounter is going to be the living room. And what do most living rooms have? Picture frames! Most likely all over the walls for sentimental value, but try to disregard that for now. As the agent closes in on you, throw several picture frames in rapid succession at him. Since secret agents have undergone intense torture therapy, the exploding glass in his eyes may just send his mind into overdrive. Thus, he will see the people in the picture coming, and think he is being attacked by several people at once. Hopefully, he will just run away.

CAUTION: This tactical move might just aggravate him more, instead of driving him crazy. If you secret agent dodges all of the picture frames with yet another spectacular show of matrix moves, then quickly run into the next room.

The microwave

Since the kitchen generally follows the living room, run in and immediately turn on the microwave. Why? Microwave radiation can be an awesomely powerful weapon, when used correctly. First you need to convince your attacking secret agent that you are in the microwave. I know this sounds a bit strange, but if done correctly, you just might trick them into believing you are actually in a microwave. The trick? It simple: all you have to do is leave small, self destructing sticky notes all over the kitchen that lead to the microwave. Since secret agents are obligated to open up any self-destructing device and read or watch it, this may buy you time to run into another room. Plus, when he does finally get to the microwave, (which has been on the whole time) naturally he will look inside (the notes say to) and receive a blast of radiation in the face. Hopefully this will melt a little skin, if not just keep running for now.

CAUTION: Some agents aren’t necessarily obligated to read all self-destructing sticky notes, and may just keep coming after you. Plus, I’m not sure if the radiation will do a whole lot of good so it might be a good idea to post a few notes in advance, so you have more time to run away later. Ominous thought eh?

Coins

So you’ve just come out of the kitchen, but you haven’t hit another room yet. In a hallway cover is limited, and chances are your agent is right behind you at this point so you’re just going to have to improvise. Although it’s not really a household item a coin can very well save your life. Although I do admit, it’s takes just a teeny bit of skill to use one correctly. So here is what you should do. Seeing as to how the angry agent behind you knows that you wanted to last him with radiation and trick him into thinking that he was fighting an army of smiling people (that must have been demented) he may very well decide to shoot at you. Hopefully you grabbed a little bit of change this morning… When you hear the gun fire, quickly find the bullet and toss the coin directly at it. If he is firing at you with a fully automatic, simply throw handfuls of coins with increased accuracy, and precision. When you run out of coins, duck into the next room.

CAUTION : Not everybody is like Neil. Most people can’t stop bullets with coins. But if you can’t, then I’m afraid to say that I can’t help you now, as nothing in this manual covers fighting off a secret agent if you’ve already been shot repetitively.

Detergents and Such

If the next room you happen to run into is the laundry room, (if not, save this particular bit of advice for later) quickly grab a wet towel and a handful of detergent and run strait back out. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but most laundry rooms only have 1 way in or out. And the last thing you want to do is be trapped in the same room with an angry secret agent. Now, as you run back out the door you might bump into the attacking agent. If this happens, throw your detergent in his face. Do not throw specifically at his eyes, a broad application to the whole face will suffice. Not only will he now have massive amounts of detergent in his eyes, mouth and nose (he will come at you with a war cry, opening up all points of entry considerably) but his disabilities will set you up for an attack. Remember gym class? The art of Towel Whipping may be laughable, but in a fight can be quite formidable. (especially if your victim has been doused in the face with laundry detergent)

Now ATTACK! Whip him in the face, the chest, the stomach, and most importantly, the testicles. Then, throw the towel over his head and run into the bathroom.

CAUTION: If the agent in question happens to specialize in narcotics, then you are probably dealing with a serious crack head, and he may just get a positive rush by snorting the detergent. Worse things have happened, and I do hope you don’t have to deal with a crack head secret agent, but it’s not a perfect world. If this happens, just skip the towel whipping and head to the bathroom.

Plunge of Pain

You know you want to. Go ahead and grab the plunger, fill it with shampoo, and flip on the shower. Make sure the water temperature is set to “incredible scalding pain”, then turn around and face the agent. As soon as he steps foot in the door, lunge at his face with the plunger. If you hear the popping suction, you’ve found your mark. Now, while the plunger is on your agent’s face, work it back and forth furiously until you see foam oozing out of the plunger. The agent is now in quite a position, being blinded with detergent and then having shampoo worked vigorously in your face tends to disorient you, which mean right now he is in a lot of pain. Use this brief moment of weakness to rip the plunger off of his face. This will make him stumble forward and trip on your waiting foot, thus, falling into the shower. Quickly run into the closest bedroom as the screams of pain fill the bathroom behind you. 2 Points!

CAUTION: Secret agents are incredibly skilled at hand-to-hand combat, so you may not even being able to hit his face with the plunger, and you probably won’t be able to trip him either. If that’s the case, you may very well just wind up making him even madder, by getting shampoo all over his favorite clothes. The “plunge” takes a tad it more skill to pull off than a detergent sweep, so only attempt it if you are an expert, and have fought agents before. So if all else fails, just run into the bedroom. And thus, the final part of this manual.

Complete Control

Whirlwind of Anguish

This is basically when things are about to get serious. Since you don’t really want to kill the agent, as doing so would be a serious violation of the law, (If you do, just shoot him in the first place, and forget this manual) then you are going to have to completely incapacitate him. By now he’s probably climbed out of the shower, and is extremely disorientated as he continues his pursuit. (Which, admittedly, he has very clean hair and clothes, even if they are currently dripping onto your new carpet.) Okay so here’s the plan: First, bring out the ancient warrior skills deep inside of yourself and fashion together a weapon made from thumbtacks, a ball of yarn, one large sharpies marker, a small amount of chocolate, a tennis ball, and of course, electrical tape. You’ll need a knife to do all of this, and I suggest you hurry up and grab everything, because I doubt you have a whole lot of time left. You should end up with something that looks like a really cheaply made morning star off of a cartoon version of Balders Gate: Dark Alliance. And in case you were wondering the chocolate is so that when you attack, your agent will look up to see what that wonderful cocoa smell is. Now you are ready for action. When he comes through the door, attack. Hit his face several times until you see a satisfying amount of blood.

Then, throw the bedcover over him. If the bedroom you are in happens to have a weight set, go ahead and throw a few of the medium sized weights on his toes and into his stomach area. You don’t want to knock him unconscious just yet, after all, he is probably trying to kill you. So, go ahead and find a Bic lighter. Trust me, The agent is in so much pain right now, he won’t even try to stop you. Now, (laughing quite evilly preferably) set the covers on fire. Be sure to throw some dirty underwear on the flames, I imagine burning dirty underwear will stink quite badly, and your agent won’t like it. Now try not to let the screams that are now emitting from the flaming ball of fire that is now flying through your room bother you while you grab (with an epic flourish) the Final Weapon: A very, very heavy weight. (Also acceptable: bowling balls, stock of a gun, TV’s, small dressers, and especially glass cabinets.) And Attack!!! With a might war cry heave your heavy object at the flaming agent, in such a way that it will knock him in the direction of the window. The agent will be knocked unconscious, fall through the window with a resounding crash, and your problems (and worries that the house is going to burn down) will be eliminated. Congrats!

CAUTION: There is a very real chance that everything I have just told you might backfire, and you’ll just die anyway. If that happens, I am very sorry to hear of your friends and families’ loss

Final Word

I know you feel like you’ve practically read a novel, but there’s a lot to say when it comes to fighting a secret agent, the are wicked complicated after all. As for the damage to your house and the time it took to read this? Well, you can probably sue the government now anyway, and end up a very rich man or woman with an incredible story to tell. Aren’t you glad you read this?