The seventy year old wife who ran off with a unicyclist and spent five years with him competing on the Buttock-Biting championship circuit (winning four times, coming second eleven times and being disqualified twice, once for sucking and once for teeth being out of the mouth at the time of biting) has recently returned to her husband on his 100th birthday. She claims her experiences have equipped her to be a better wife this time and says she is looking forward to them both joining the local topless line-dancing club. Her husband, who invented the solar-powered self-peeling banana, today revealed that during his wife’s absence he had formed a close personal relationship with a Tasmanian Yellow Striped Pyjama and time would be needed to see how everything would work out. It should perhaps be noted that the Pyjama was originally part of a pair before he came along and split them up with his ’My wife’s left me and I’m so lonely’ line.

A campaign was launched today for a mobility allowance for housebound telephone landline handsets, trapped within four walls, able only to imagine enviously as their mobile cousins roam the mountains and oceans, exploring the highways and byways, sitting on a moonlit beach watching the bodies drift ashore from a nearby shipwreck, taking thrilling pictures of roller coaster crashes, singing to all their friends in a crowded restaurant or theatre, or disturbing a sleeping Bulgarian on a late train.

The current frog-squashing champion was today stripped of her title after a routine test revealed the use of contaminated elbow grease.