An Idiot’s Guide to Aliens
Ever wondered what aliens would be like? This is a basic guide to how things would probably turn out, what they’d look like, and how they’d behave.
Welcome to Earth. The Blue Planet. Sol 3. Gaia. Terra. Whatever other name you might think of. Earth, for anyone who isn’t aware, is the only life sustaining planet we know exists, a smallish piece of rock that managed to develop a stabilised atmosphere and liquid water in its 4.54 Billion year life. The Earth also has a Moon, which it is not widely known, actually came from another planet, commonly referred to as Theia, that collided with the Earth, breaking up, one bit fusing with the Earth, the other forming the Moon.
Now that we worked out where we are, who lives here? Well an unknown number of species, of varying physiology, with the exception that it’s all water based. The largest number of one particular group of species is the beetle variety, 1 in every 5 living things is a beetle. The ‘dominant’ species on the planet are Humans, we’re doing pretty well, all 6.7 Billion of us. Now one asks the obvious question, if we have life, then doesn’t that mean life can develop on other planets?

The Drake Formula stipulates that there are 10,000 extraterrestrial species we might communicate within our Galaxy. This is countered by the Fermi Paradox, which basically asks why, if the Universe is so old, have no space civilizations been detected. Humans, who haven’t even travelled to another planet, make a lot of noise for a planet. We send messages and other junk all over the place, any highly advanced civilizations would have at least picked up some of our racket, and dropped by to tell us to keep the noise down. Of course, the other argument is, because we haven’t been to another planet, we really haven’t backed out the driveway yet, we don’t even have our car keys.
And since we haven’t backed out yet, the chance of us being in a car accident (Finding another civilization) are remarkably low. We can actually say, with almost complete certainty, there are alien civilizations out there. In the Milky Way Galaxy alone there are 200 Billion stars, if we assume 50% of those stars have planets, that’s 100 Billion stars with planets, with an average number of 7, that’s 700 Billion planets, each one capable of supporting some form of life, although only a small percentage would support water based life (Like us). Chances are good that there’s other life out there, some of that has to be intelligent.
When someone says ‘Alien’, people fall into two categories, the monster variety, hell bent on eating or destroying humanity (Like the aliens from the ‘Alien’ movies, sorry, bad example) or the aliens that might be like us, empire building, intelligent species. Of course, encountering the monster variety is probably more preferable, as they tend to be stupid or unable to adapt. A larger civilization might be hostile, and we would seriously not win (We got lucky in Independence Day, the entire Alien population was on the ship we blew up, they kinda failed to mention the genocide of an entire species in that movie). Of course big plus if they’re a benevolent happy-go-lucky civilization handing out free technologies willy-nilly. Then they could be like us, and have the standard reaction of; “Oh, that’s nice, a race of semi-intelligent monkeys, how cute-wait, O.M.G. Neutrino in the Flock Sector! ROAD TRIP!!!” and off they fly, to get whacked off stardust. But these are all on the assumption that they find us, what if we find each other, or we find them?

Say humanity expands over a few Solar Systems, maybe quite a few, and we encounter a race of equal power, say similar psychology, first and foremost, absolute fear on both sides, not wanting to instigate conflict would be priority. Conflict itself would be unlikely, as chances are, we wouldn’t meeting them personally. By the point of contact, Humans would have machines capable of travelling lightyears to scout out new territory, and then make judgements themselves on a course of action. If another spacefaring civilization is out there, it’s doing exactly the same thing. So our robots meet theirs, there’s an “Aww Shucks” moment on the part of Earth’s space agencies, and the politicians set about policy making. Of course they could hide it from the public, or not, by then in an increasingly media dominated world, combined with computers in our freaking skin, nothing is secret, like one giant Big Brother…except watchable. The aliens are probably going through the same thing, inevitably a lot more robots will rock up, from both sides, equipped with more instruments than you can poke a stick at, and set about figuring out who the other guy is.
This is certainly the best case scenario, no immediate need to rush weapons in to defend a colony of miners or whatever, so there’s no need for alarm on both sides, a gradual understanding, then co-operation builds up. As I said, ‘Best Case’ scenario, no-one to get hurt but a few robots and someone’s pride. Another similar scenario is they find us, we’re still advanced, say an alien robot ship rocks up to a system where a small Human mining crew is working. We do what we do best, and panic. “Fire Phasers!” would be the quote of the day. The alien’s reaction varies greatly, an “Oh My God, they just destroyed our robot, FIRE PHASERS!” reaction seems likely. A more ethereal race might have the reaction, “Oh…they destroyed our robot, oh well,” and move onto the next system. While a civilization like our own, would panic, then wonder if they got it right, and send more robots just to confirm we were destroying them. Hopefully, interstellar leaders would not be inept, and pull off a good old apology, explaining panicking, xenophobic miners were to blame, and look forward to interstellar peace…blah, blah, blah. But if the reverse occurred, and we found a bunch of their miners, chances are similar, they’d panic and start firing phasers, in their defence, chances are we were poking them a bit to hard, we get a bit too excited over things like that. And our reaction, as stated would be to send more robots to make sure they were actually destroying them and we hadn’t crashed into a phaser-shaped meteor.
What happens if we find them? What happens if we come across a less advanced race? Well looks we’re gonna be the ones abducting a few to do tests, which probably won’t do wonders for interstellar diplomacy. It depends on how advanced they are, how unified and the social state of the planet. If we meet a unified planet, with a global government, it seems likely we’ll play the benevolent Gods, chances are they might have something we want, and we’ll trade some of our older technologies for whatever they have. If the planet is in a less advanced state, such as our medieval or turn of the century societies, our reactions could be much more varied. We would obviously study them, being superstitious and lacking any global communications (assuming they’re non-telepathic or similar physiology) or global defences, we pretty much have free rein to do whatever the hell we want, which is never good for anyone, look at examples on Earth, whenever a Colonial civilization encountered an indigenous civilization, it resulted in cultural loss and in some cases genocide.
A similar situation might occur here, with some much free rein, it would be relatively easy for groups with political or ideological objectives to establish a foothold, promote their particular beliefs, and arm their followers with modern weaponry, turning the planet into a battle of ideologies and beliefs. Which is why whichever government is in place must take action to secure and seal off this untouched planet, so research, as non-invasive as possible, can be undertaken. Even this little unadvanced planet and people might have something to offer us, breeding at 100 times our own rate, we could use them as a cheap labour force or as an army. Being worshipped as Gods, if we were to come into contact with them in very early advancement, could be beneficial to both species, as it allows us a greater authority over them (assuming we not being tools about it), while themselves also benefiting from the “Gifts of the Gods” eg: farming, irrigation, medicine.
But, for the million dollar answer, what would they look like, and how would they behave? If we assume they’re intelligent and not just standard fauna (ie: cows, sheep, birds), we can actually make a fairly good guess at what they might look like, and to some extent how they might behave. First and foremost, limbs. They will have limbs that can manipulate their environment in an advanced way, (from here on in, when I say ‘limbs’, I am referring to these manipulative appendages, not just legs or arms). We have hands with opposable thumbs, for example. They may have pincers or other such appendages that we are unfamiliar with. They’re senses will also be reasonably advanced, sight is the most likely, although very sensitive sonar could also be likely, depending on the environment they live in. A third possibility, that has other knock on consequences, and its likelihood is debatable, is the possibility of a singular intelligence that aggressively infects and then controls various species which may not be intelligent, like a virus or parasite that has a consciousness. The senses it uses cannot be guessed.

Limbs and the ability to sense its surrounding environment are obvious certainties. For a species to become intelligent, it requires the ability to form complex groups, for which it needs the ability to communicate. Most animals on Earth communicate through a combination or sound, gesture and smell. Gesture alone is not a very good tool for communication, but is a brilliant addition and excels at conveying extra meaning and emotion to mainstream communication. A possibility for alien communication, apart from sound and smell, is touch. This would be associated with a more peaceful society, as simply asking for a coffee involves touching a complete stranger. Sound and touch are obviously the easiest ways for Humans to communicate with an alien species, smell would be difficult, and would require machines to help us detect pheromones, visual communication, such as bioluminescence, like that of the glow worm or fireflies, is an obvious communication tool, that humans could replicate reasonably easily with something as simple as a torch. Visual communication in the non-visible spectrum, such as infra-red, is also possible.
So limbs, senses and communication, what else must an alien species have? A way to feed of course! Again, this is reasonably easy to guess, they’ll either have mouth like appendages such as us, including a digestive system, create their own food like plants, or have simple cross membrane absorption (Marine based lifeforms, and unlikely to be advanced). Carnivorous, Herbivorous, Omnivorous, Geophagy (eats stone) or Aerevorous (Gas eating, probably by simple cross membrane absorption, so unlikely to be advanced) are all the possible diets. The most obvious of course is Omnivorous, eating both plants and meat allows a variety of vitamins and minerals needed by species. The most advanced animals will probably be Carnivorous, Omnivorous or Herbivorous, particularly Carnivorous or Omnivorous rather than Herbivorous. But what does this mean? Well we can now put together what a basic alien lifeform would resemble, based on what it eats.
Carnivore: Will have limbs and probably sharpened appendages, will be aggressive and more likely has behaviour similar to a warlike tribal culture than democratic Western societies. The lack of developed intellectual freedom should not be mistaken for being unadvanced, clashes between tribal groups would lead to the development of weaponry, although they would probably lack W.M.D.s, for the obvious reason of eating their slain opponents. Possibly aggressive toward Humans, certainly more inclined than other diets to be aggressive. Most likely sound communication, possibly by smell also.
Herbivore: Certainly more docile than a Carnivorous society, but as forementioned, unlikely to develop intelligence, meat was a crucial piece of early primate development. Limbs are likely, as well as armour, although debatable, the species will have had armour in the past to fend off carnivores, as it became intelligent, it would have lost or downgraded such appendages. Probably larger than any of the other diets, both from (assumed) plentiful food and to fend of predators. Most likely a herd based society, although it’s difficult to tell how different herds will interact. Probably won’t be aggressive toward Humans, although may be less inclined for active communication or interspecies relations. Sound, touch, small, anyway to communicate really.
Omnivore: Difficult to gauge in terms of docility/hostility, probably much more like us, defensive, but not overly so. Will certainly have limbs, possibly weapon like appendages or armour, although Humans have neither. Will be of average size, like us due to the scarcity of certain types of food versus the wide availability of others. Probably has a similar social system of family based groups, although unlike Herbivores or Carnivores, it’s much more difficult to judge. Depends on social system and/or leadership on how they’ll react to Humans. Sound is most likely, possibly smell.
Geophagy: Certainly the hardest to judge, as the only solely Geophagist life on Earth are bacteria. Not likely to be advanced, as this diet lacks many vitamins, on the off chance a Geophagist species did become intelligent, it would probably use sonar and be cave dwelling, be quite small and live either in large colonies, like bats, or alone.
Aerevorous: Even less likely to develop into an advanced lifeform than Geophagists. Will lack complex (if any) societies. Probably will not be actively responsive toward humans. Even if a planet had an atmosphere full of nutrient rich gases, the need to have any complex way of feeding is non-existent, an individual can simply stand in one place and breath (Like a plant).
So there we are, basic, animalian-like lifeforms. I have not included any intelligent plant or geological based life because the likelihood of it developing is so low. Gas based lifeforms should be considered impossible, although, a pre-developed lifeform may deliberately choose to develop technology to separate its consciousness from its body for reasons unknown. We humans have already proved we can develop into an intelligent species, so a very biased opinion would be that most other life forms would develop like us. Actually, a carnivorous, aggressive, warrior-like society is more likely to become intelligent, as the need for a technological edge on other tribes becomes apparent. In truth, it does not matter what type of alien we come across, assuming no terrible catastrophe befalls the human race, we will one day meet, or even become, an alien civilization, and we must be prepared; militarily, culturally, politically, scientifically, socially and above all, mentally.

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