Is this really an article on butt crunches and how many of you pervs are here just on the slim hope that it might be? Notice the lack of some sleazy exercise picture? Notice my sarcasm and withering disdain? Yep, now you’re thinking that this might not be all you hoped for, but fear not: I will adress the issue.

Just like many of you in cyberspace sitting in your behind in your computer chair, I found myself slightly in need of an exercise regime. Last summer I went the low budget route and purchased a pilates VHS tape for 99 cents on amazon.com. Then I proceeded to Target, where the dollar section is right next to the snack bar. I purchased a stretchy elastic cord for 99 cents and proceeded home to pop the vhs tape into my vcr and see what I was up against. Yes my technology is from the 90s but we’re in a recession so try not to judge.

Because I am so cheap, I folded a towel, put it on the ground to use as a pilates mat. The lady on the video said to lie on my back and raise one leg horizantlly in the air. And wait FOREVER with it in the air. Gravity  is the strongest weight in the world. Her leg probably weighed 10 pounds and she looked she was waiting for the bus or something. I, on the other hand was struggling, gasping for breath and hitting the fast forward button on my remote.

Rolling dog was next. This is where you get on your back (again) and rock back and forth, rolling onto your head and then back onto the ground like some kind of rocking chair. I rolled up okay, but on the way down I must have hit a kidney or something on one of the lumps in my carpet. My back still hurts from the impact and I am now firmly against any type of rolling which does not include a tortilla or some other substance which cannot be named on Triond.

Finally, the butt crunches. Yes this is what you’ve all been waiting for. She assumed a Jackie Chan, Kung Fu pose and raised one bent leg diagonally in the air. Then she said to squat down with just one leg, and wait FOREVER, just like that. I assumed a very non Jackie Chan Kung, Fu pose and raised my leg halfway into the air before my shin hit the couch. My entire left side went numb and I tumbled like a stone to the ground. At this point, I couldn’t even reach the remote. I just sat there watching this ridiculous video listening to the elevator music, and wishing for my 99 cents back.

There you have it, the failure that was my butt crunch odyssey.