Not So White Snow White

Image Source

Snow White in a PVC top. Well, quite. Running around a gang of short gay guys with a bling fetish was bound to affect her somehow. No wonder she bit in to the apple. Her life destroyed by a wicked and conniving step-mother who contrived to sell her in to a life of debauchery among the blood diamonds of “Once-Upon-A-Time” land, this poor girl is a tragic victim of circumstance. Pity her.

Image Source

Previous to that of course, old Whitey was very popular on the “goodbar” circuit where she would never knowingly refuse a drink – even though she would try to maintain she had been dry for years. It was she, believe it or not, who carried the Rohipnol. On with the heels every evening, all the forest animals agreed with her that full length dresses are so last year. If only she had had a mirror that could tell the future, she would have seen what fate had in store for her.

Image Source

Revealed, tragically, for the first time – the real reason why she bit in to that apple. Of course, when you live with seven little gay guys one of them is bound to be on the turn at some point. Extended families are all the rage in the twenty first century and you can’t get more extended than this. But, ah, isn’t there always one bad apple? Shame!

Ring Her Bell

Image Source

Oh, Tinkerbell, Tinkerbell! I know that Peter broke your heart, but was that any reason to hit the bottle, pile on the pounds and do the Los Angeles leather scene like there was no tomorrow? And that boy you have yourself draped around doesn’t look lost to me! That somewhat smug expression will be off your face tomorrow when you hit the front page of the Neverland News again.

Not So Little Red Riding Hood

Image Source

The Big Bad Wolf had better watch out – there’s a new kid in the hood and she means business. Tucked away in that innocent looking wicker basket are a number of highly lethal weapons. It looks like she might be carrying a few massive weapons of destruction too. This reminds me of an old Cold War joke. What do you call a Russian contraceptive? Why a Little Rid Riding Hood of course! Once again, a young innocent girl led astray by the evil machinations of another.

Sin-derella

Image Source

“Cinderelly, Cinderelly, your skirt goes right up to your belly!” Those cute and adorable little mice might have to change their tune. Well, this Cinders has sold them off wholesale to strange and perverted Hollywood actors and is now out for a good time on the proceeds. Shame on you Cinderella! Especially after they did all your housework for you, you slattern you! Why did she do this? Again, there may well be someone evil lurking in the shadows.

Poker Huntas

Image Source

With that sultry gaze you know what Pocahontas is thinking and it’s not about the head you have just put on the chopping block either. A serial collector of men who are just about to die, this woman has a real death fetish. Recently spotted in the top London club “The Torture Garden” (cough) you can see this woman turning in to a Black Widow figure pretty soon. What evil mastermind is behind the ruin of this poor young woman?

Mulan

Image Source

This is the Mulan who let the Mongol hordes in – only so she could satisfy her growing hunger for what is known in some circles as “rough trade”. A Cher lookey-likey cross dressing lizard fetishist, she has recently collected eight gold medals at the Olympics for a sport that really should have been classified GPG (Grand-Parental Guidance). They don’t call it “The Horse” for nothing. Who set her on this road to ruin? One demands to know!

Ariel

Image Source

Really, Ariel was always something of a drip (geddit?) compared to the other Disney girls. Well, that is so over now she has rebelled against the corporation’s mind-blowingly stupid decision to change the ruddy ending. Funny how the kids of today are deemed incapable of dealing with death and half of them tote guns in the play ground. Ariel is planning her revenge – anyone who has seen an Austin Powers Fembot will know exactly what she is hiding beneath her conches. Who turned her against her sponsor so wickedly? Enquiring minds ask a question!

Alice

Image Source

The Wonderland that Alice looks for these days is quite different to the one she discovered as a girl. The words “Eat Me” now mean something completely different to her and the only bottle she drinks out is one purchased from her new friend, Mr Daniels. The Amy Winehouse of the Disney stable, it’s off to AA, SA and star dot star A in the very near future for this pill-popping “heroin” of ours. Tut, tut, tut. Oh and another tut for good measure. But who led her so astray? Who provided the hallucinogenic drugs that started her on this downward spiral? It is time to reveal the evil mastermind behind the downfall of so many of our favorite toons.

The Leader of the Gang

Image Source

So who is ultimately responsible for all these young women going astray? It doesn’t take a genius to realize that it has to be the Wicked Step-Mother. Transferred from Once-Upon-A-Time land to Beverley Hills this ruthless and domineering harridan has systematically robbed these poor girls of their innocence and much, much more. She must be stopped, whatever it takes! Otherwise the enjoyment of certain films by future generations will be marred by the sad fate and downfall of their erstwhile fresh-faced stars.

Take time to think of these poor girls and the distressed positions in which they find themselves. Spare a thought for their future – and give generously to the “Fund For Wayward Animated Women” that I have recently established! With your help, we can help these young women re-establish their lives and create a future for themselves and the variety of rag tag singing and dancing furry anthropomorphized rodent things that are dependant upon them.