As fledgling citizens of this century we looked to the television for prophecies of our future.  The oracles of our childhoods had circuits for veins and images for eyes, and we stared into those bright eyes every day with a hunger for the promises they displayed.  From the Jetsons to James Bond, the Technological Dream cast its heady shadow across every day of our collective youth, counting the moments with plasma bursts and the days with scientific breakthroughs. We all expected to live in the science fiction future–expected it in every sense, because that was the promise of the flickering, enchanting guardians of our fantasies. That was the fairy tale that seeded our dreams for ourselves: technology… the flying car… rocket boots. A laser gun.

Nowadays, though, we’ve grown out of our fantasies.  As we grew taller than the table on which perched the enthralling TV set, so we looked beyond its staticky vision at the challenges and more moderate ideals of the ‘real’, drab world.  The majority of us were so disappointed that we simply lowered our expectations to numb the shock of having them violated. Growing up, we stepped willingly into the arms of the grey-spirited adult working culture, one that–ironically–was developed almost entirely to help people down from the dreams grown in childhood, and turn them into realistic, drab members of society.  To think of the dreams of ignorant childhood, then to contrast them with the ruthless charcoal truths fed to us upon absorption into adulthood–that is disappointment.  Disappointment, my friends, for the twenty-first century.

This is the process of growing up in the ecstatic and grandiose Age of Technology. This is the process in which we lose our hopes for things such as the flying car and the laser gun.  Very few have paused to ask, “Where is my flying car?”, but it’s a joke, nothing else.  That dream has been dulled.  And in a world where bullets hold such sway over the hard news of each passing hour, almost nobody has dared petition from the gods of culture that much-hallowed, child-deified, classically impossible artifact, the laser gun.

So, indeed, it comes as a surprise that it’s already been invented and is for sale on the web… Oh yeah. I got a surprise for you.

A company called Information Unlimited–the most futuristically corporate, new-century-technology-powerhouse sounding name of any company I’ve ever heard–now has a handheld laser gun for sale. Yes, that’s right.

And their logo looks like this.

… Yeah.

The gun itself looks like one of the boxy laser weapons made classic by 1950s space movies–just as the dream began with this basic but functional design, so apparently has its frightening technological realization.  It turns out the technology for a functioning handheld laser gun–which runs on AA batteries, too–has been around for a while.

Of course, we were all too busy with ‘reality’ to realize it.

The gun, in fact, fires shots of concentrated light powerful enough to blast precision holes in “the hardest of metals”.  It won’t fit in your pocket, but it will fit in your backpack–and its stopping power will fit any living being that presumes to test your patience.

In conclusion, folks–adults–we’ve got a freakin’ laser gun, and welcome to your dreams. And before I forget, here’s the link to the ’90s techno-future looking web page on which the gun, it’s price in US dollars, and its terrifying specs are posted. It’s down at the bottom.

And lastly–finally–for the love of the Jetsons. Play nice, you newly-dangerous kids.