Five Reasons Why I’d be Better Off If Zombies Attacked

Published by in Offbeat
25th Jun 2009

Image via Wikipedia

Five Reasons Why I’d Be Better Off if Zombies Attacked

  1. Old school zombies are slow and easy to outrun, but people panic anyway. A lot of stuff is abandoned. Stuff I can use. Stuff that needs a home, that I would happily provide. Stuff like a new X-box 360, a big screen T.V. and a complete solar cell/battery system to run it all.
  2. I can use a great sword, four feet or better, though I prefer a hand and a half or “bastard” sword. Not only a cutting weapon for disassembling the zombies, but also a crushing weapon for destroying the brain. I can use it well. People tend to respect and reward someone who has just decapitated the flesh eating zombie that was at their door.
  3. I can grow my own food. I can also pick food provided by Mother Nature, having learned what is edible and tasty and what is not. I have found that quite a few people possess no such skill. As a matter of fact, I know quite a few people who would starve without fast food and if zombies attack it is doubtful that your corner burger joint will remain unscathed. I’ll get mighty popular, mighty fast. Those same people who can afford to eat out every night have a lot of stuff. Stuff I can use.
  4. I can make my own soap, my own ink and quill pens, spin my own yarn, weave my own cloth, sew my own clothes, dig and process my own clay and make my own hand thrown dishes out of that clay fired in a pit kiln constructed by me. None of these things have ANY meaning if zombies don’t attack. What I can’t do is make my own X-Box 360.
  5. I’ve seen every Bruce Campbell movie ever made, and own most of them. (I can’t recommend ‘My Name is Bruce’ enough. Funny stuff.) I even own ‘Briscoe County Junior-The Complete Series’, and episodes of Zena where Bruce was the Prince of Thieves. For those of you wondering what that has to do with zombies attacking, that’s okay. You don’t need to know. The rest of us could really use your stuff.

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Where the HELL are my freakin’ zombies!?!?

Other rants by me:

  • Ruby Hawk

    Everybody loves zombies. They are the in thing, Loved your article too.

  • rutherfranc

    zombies.. uhoh.. they`re gonna haunt me now for sure..

  • Doogieraz

    Wow. I’m shocked they even included your desired pic. Mmmm… Maybe it’s safe to post on this useless thingy now when I have something of worth- which is typically pretty nil.

  • StumbleUponWriter

    I hate zombies and I dread the day that they come upon us…&&&&touches on wood&&&&, haaa..good entry here.. ;)

  • Sandra A Flowers

    this is very good, I chuckled on this one, great job

  • tastoony

    Hey, i think if the world is going to be infected and zombies will walk the earth, TELL ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER!!!

  • deep blue

    But zombies, no matter how slow, they tend to zoom up. You never knew if they’re beside you.

  • B Nelson

    I knew I would like this as soon as you mentioned world over-population.
    I loved Shawn of the Dead. I will have to check out My name is Bruce, it sounds familiar like I may have seen it before but cannot recall the details.

  • Kate Smedley

    That’s one way of looking at it!! Great article, very funny.

  • Mr Ghaz

    Excellent!..well presented article and humorous too..I LIKED it..well done and thanx for sharing

  • Phill Senters

    :) Sounds as if you are in desperate need of a new Xbox360. I have an extra Play station 2 if that would help, but it’s not new.

  • Allena Impire

    This is so funny! My partner is currently writing a musical about zombies, so they are on the brain in my house. Reading this made my day!

  • hfj

    Since i can’t run as fast as i use to, i would probably be caught. Funny story Annie. Well done.

  • Christine Ramsay

    The last thing I did with my class at school before I retired was choreograph a zombies dance. The kids were brilliant at being zombies. I loved this article.


  • robynwalker27

    Too funny

  • jharmon

    Ha! I’ve got both a bastard sword and a two-hander. I think I’d go with my two-handed sword for bashing zombie brains. But that’s just me.

  • s hayes

    zompies – my entire office is full of them (especially on a Monday morning)

  • Daisy Peasblossom

    Zombies are out there…they just don’t come labeled plain like in the games and movies. ;) Personally, I favor a big, knobby stick for bashing; that way I can’t cut off my own toe if I make a mistake. We may all need those survival skills soon. Sorry about the xbox 360.

  • Joe Dorish

    Bruce Campbell lives, or does he?

  • C Jordan

    I enjoyed that Annie, but a bit concerned looking at the first picture that you’ve let yourself go… :)