In addition to the lady who had to have a toilet seat surgically removed from her ass, there’s a lot of medieval folklore, anthropological evidence and other facts involved here.

Even though Sir Crapp made the toilet famous, Queen Elizabeth I had the first real bathroom. In spite of all this, a room with just a bathtub is not a “bathroom.” The room has to have a toilet in it, and maybe even a sink. Go figure!

Excuse me, but I have to go to the:

Bedpan

Can

Comfort station

Crapper

Facility

Flushing closet

Handsome house.

Head

John

Latrine

Library

Ladies’ room

Lav

Lavatory

Loo

Men’s room

Office

Outhouse

Potty

Powder room

Privie (Old Eng.)

Privy (Mod)

Relieve myself.

Restroom

The necessary

Throne room

Washroom

Water closet

Excuse me, but I have to:

Be excused

Go.

Go to the bathroom

Go to the crapper

Nature calls

Powder my nose (she)

Relieve myself

Take a leak (he)

Take a dump (he)

Take a dump (she)

Tap a kidney

Tap a bladder

Utilize the facility

Bathroom – a room or building equipped with one or more toilets. It interesting to note that a room with only a bath, is NOT considered to be a “bathroom.”

Commode – A plumbing fixture for defecation and urination.

Have fear of flying to the bathroom because you can’t excuse yourself with dignity? Embarrassed?  Can’t find the right words? Seriously dude, you’re not alone. Ever since Sir Thomas Crapper introduced the splendid idea of a “wash-down water closet” in a private room, this has been a universal problem. One thing is predictable: Sometime today you’ll be visiting that special place. Moreover, you will exit refreshed, ready to conquer the world. Some call it “the second-best feeling in the world,” but it implants a subconscious love for this facility, the bathroom, and a little later we’ll explain what’s involved in this “love affair.”

     Kids can go to the bathroom in the car, some go to the bathroom on their lawn and some even go to the bathroom on a chair.  Grownups occasionally can do the same. They go to the bathroom here; go to the bathroom there; but one thing is certain, they will go to the bathroom. Even if it doesn’t have a “bath”, it unmistakably will be in a genuine “bathroom.”

     According to the Associated Press (03/13/2008), one poor lady sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. He finally called the police, who rushed her to the nearest emergency room, where the seat was surgically removed. Now there’s bathroom love! No word on the facility favored by the lad. Hopefully, he didn’t “go to the bathroom” in his living room or kitchen for two years. She expected to be joined together in a state of matrimony with her toilet seat, not him. Only a surgeon could put asunder this marriage that was made in Heaven.

     How about you?  Can’t live without it? At the right time, the bathroom may be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.  Idiomatically and practically, literally and figuratively, it is universally needed.  A young gentleman at an intimate dinner with his newest lady friend, felt the “go to the bathroom” urge.  How best to explain this to her without sounding crude or animalistic?  Finally, after sitting uncomfortably for a few minutes he said, “My dear, I have to excuse myself. I have an appointment to shake hands with a good friend, whom I plan to introduce to you very soon.”

     All kidding aside, we’re lost without our bathrooms.  How did this “love affair” start?  Once plumbing and running water became available, our ancestors moved the bathtub into a separate room that afforded a modicum of privacy. While the tub was there, many took advantage of the new contraption made popular by Sir. Thomas Crapper (1861). This enterprising Englishman probably didn’t invent the toilet, but promoted it to such an extent that his name became associated with it. The partnership of the toilet and the bath, in the “bath”room, was a natural movement (so to speak). By the way, Crapper’s company still exists in England, not under the original family ownership, but offering reproductions of the original “wash-down water closet”, similar to Sir Crapper’s. By the way, Crapper wrote a book, Flushed With Pride, not up on the list with Pride and Prejudice, but rather interesting, nonetheless.

     So, as it happened, most of us developed a need with, and fascination with bathrooms. Can’t do without ‘em and life would be quite uncomfortable without ‘em. Right?  Wrong – if, in your previous life you were a Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, or anyone else who lived before the “bathroom” was invented. The New York Times reported that as early as six million years ago, the first ancestral humans began walking the earth. In the journal, Science, Brian Richmond and William Jungers described the species “Orrin tugenesis” as the “first that stood and walked on its hind limbs.”  Probably, they were in search of a bathroom. Too bad, they would have more than six million years to wait before they found a bathroom; and then, only about a century before the phone rang. (Just kidding)  Is there a scientific “search for the go-to-the-bathroom” gene?  

     Since our genetic history descends from this ape-like ancestor, one can imagine a group of chattering “great apes.” After a particularly sumptuous banana banquet, one excuses himself, chattering something about a “bathroom,” and he walked away thus exhibiting his relatively new Homo sapiens genetic marker. His (former) friends evolved into chimps and gorillas, continuing to chatter as they excreted whenever and wherever they saw fit. But the “go-to-the bathroom” set of genes continued on into Cro-Magnon and Homo sapiens.

     Being Homo sapiens does not guarantee bathroom privacy. Who said “The only way the world will beat a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom? “ The statement speaks for itself.  Anthropology aside, common sense tells us that the first humans followed their animal instincts, because there were no bathrooms. as they migrated, immigrated or emigrated. Don’t forget that their animal cousins “went to the bathroom” everyplace and anyplace, sometimes in certain spots to hide evidence from predators as well as to mark a distinct territory.  For the humanoids, privacy in a bathroom wasn’t a factor in the bush, jungle, steppe, plain or mountain. After awhile, they found that running water carried excrement. This was clearly a plumbing breakthrough for, maybe, only a few million years. Using this method, trails were hidden from enemies and camp smelled a lot sweeter. 

     In medieval England, those in their own homes “went to the bathroom” in glass urinals or chamber pots. The full container was emptied out a widow or door, into the street. The rich used “stools of ease” or “closestools”. These were decorated containers, box-shaped, with removable bowls underneath. It is said that King Louis XIV had hundreds of closestools at his palace at Versailles. Reportedly, on the day that King Charles II and his court departed from Oxford after a visit, they remarked that their hosts were “nasty and beastly” leaving all sorts of excrement in “every corner” as well as chimneys, studies, and cellars. Sir John Harrington built what many believe to be the first modern flushing water closet for Queen Elizabeth I of England. “According to Sir John, it was a “privie in perfection.”

     Early American settlers reverted back to Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal times, “going to the bathroom” along their trails, in forests and on the plains. In their shelters, they “went to the bathroom” in chamber pots that were the vessels of choice. These were emptied into streets, yards, gardens and stables. Then, the more settled of the settlers built an outhouse. Simply speaking, this was a small shed with a hole (sometimes with a small hole, just right for a child). Carved into the door was a crescent moon (men or both sexes), or a star for men and the crescent for women. Under the hole was sand, earth – like kitty litter, or a removable pail.

     Cities and large towns were filthier. Without a separate outside facility, chamber pots and a multitude of containers were, unceremoniously tossed into streets, paths, walkways and courtyards.  People who visited New York City in the 1840s were flabbergasted to see streets with roaming pigs, feeding on the excrement tossed from windows and doorways.  Cincinnati was dubbed, “Porkopolis” because of this.

     Indoor plumbing was beginning to come into its own all over the country. Things began to change when, in Boston in the 1800s, the first hotel with indoor plumbing was presented to the public. 1899 was a banner year in New Orleans. There, women formed the Women’s League for Sewerage and Drainage. This spurred the movement for indoor plumbing in that area.

     With the advent of indoor plumbing after World War I, factories began to manufacture sinks, toilets and bathtubs. Metal piping began to replace outdated wood and clay pipes. Plumbing and the plumber emerged as part of our labor force and necessity. The indoor bathroom began to come into existence, first for the rich and the well-to-do, and then the upper middle class. In the early 1900s, some bathrooms had fireplaces and wall decorations, while today’s facility contains everything from television to whirlpools and saunas. There are now automatic flushers that can surprise more excrement out of you, working as they do, with electric eyes and such.  But always keep in mind that it is understood today, in America, that when one says, “go to the bathroom,” the idiom speaks for itself. We all know what it means, even if the Cro-Magnons among us might not. 

     “Wipe with the left, shake with right?  For our ancestors, this may have been good advice. Times change and along the way, wiping habits have, too. Bet you never knew about the history of toilet paper. Bet you never cared. Chances are you might have cared more, had you been using newsprint or corn cobs in the 19th century (red cobs first, for the initial “cleansing,” and white cobs to complete the operation.). The Sears yearly catalog, arriving for free, into each rural household, and was kept in the outhouse or bathroom, for obvious reasons.

     Believe it or not, in 1391, in China, the Bureau of Imperial Supplies began producing toilet paper for the emperors. Fast forward to 1857, Joseph Gayetty produced the first packaged bathroom tissue in the United States. He called it Therapeutic Paper. In 1879,

E. Irvin and his brother Clarence Scott produced the first roll.  Well after the Civil War, and into the 20th century, the bathroom tissue adventure began for thousands, and then millions of Americans. By 1900, “bathroom tissue” was a part of the bathroom in most homes, at least for those with indoor plumbing. This was all explained to a museum audience by  Michael Tetzrow, curator of the Neville Museum in Green Bay, Wisconsin, to an admiring audience, and Ann Koski, museum director, at the Wisconsin Historical Society at an amazing display entitled “The History of the Bathroom.”

     There were some drawbacks: First of all, it was difficult to explain to someone why they had to spend money on “paper.” There was plenty of the stuff around, like used newspapers, old brown bags and discarded note paper, and the Sears  catalog – and it was all free. In addition, throughout rural America, there were red and white corn cobs for free. Toilet paper was a tough sell when every penny counted in the average rural household.

     Overseas, Victorian sensibilities permeated any immediate mass marketing of toilet tissue. The average Victorian did not want to be seen buying the stuff in public, much the same as condoms, sanitary napkins, tampons and the like are sequestered in the average retail grocery store, supermarket or convenience store, today. Humanoids are and were embarrassed to be publicly associated with bodily functions. Go figure.

     Finally, with the advent of indoor plumbing, it all came together. Sales and a sense of need increased. Bathrooms were on the increase. The privacy factor became dominant. You could do anything, wear anything (or nothing) in this little room that had

1) A bath. and shower. 2) Medicines, salves, ointments, deodorants, toothpaste, makeup and much more.  3) A flushing toilet. The room usually had its own lock and afforded any one family member the chance to be alone without interruption. It took awhile, but Americans learned to be very careful about what they put into their pipes. Toilet paper dissolved quickly and could pass into a sewer after dissolving. Cobs, newspapers, brown bags and such, did not.

     Ever wonder how all this works in real life? Well, even if you never have, it behooves you to take a look at your own body (or your partner’s). It consists of two major systems: Intake and excretion. The liver and kidneys filter out and dispose of impurities. Purified moisture or water is deposited in the bladder. Most impurities end up in the intestines, and are emptied (or “excreted”) down and out into the toilet. Kidneys filter out impurities. Make no mistake about it, every one of us, as well as every terrorist, al-Qaeda operative, communist – even Osama, himself, have this in common. This basic systematic division took millions of years to develop.

     Compare your house  to yourself (or your partner). It has the same two major systems that you do – intake and excretion.  Simple as that. The pros give them techy names like “DWV” – the “drain-waste-vent” system. Think for a moment. Your house “drinks” water, not the way you do, but here is what happens: Somewhere near you is a water treatment plant. Your community supplies a pressurized water main to bring  water right to your home. This is considered to be “potable” water, fit for human consumption.

     So there the water waits, begging to be let intot your house, to be uplifted to its final destination. What happens now, you may ask, or you may NOT ask, but here are the facts, anyway:

     Just at the place that the water enters the house, it goes into two pipes. One pipe carries cold water. The other pipe leads to some sort of heater and becomes hot water. The hot water is then drawn up into radiators, baths, showers, saunas, laundry use, and wherever it needs to go. The cold water is piped into all the sinks’ cold water faucets and on into the bathroom for showers and toilets. Basically, it goes to all the places that receive both hot and cold water. In the toilet bowl and tank, only cold water is needed.

     Now, consider the excretion system for your house, apartment building, office or any other kind of abode. This edifice just drank all the water it needed, now it has to excrete it, but not before impurities are handled.  Just like your kidneys, a series of filters and

“traps” prevent impurities (anything that is not human waste) from ever seeing the light of day. Only the impure liquid gets through. This DWV (drain-waste-vent) system takes all waste and polluted water out to a sewer system and thence into a waste plant. There, the water is treated to remove bacterial waste, and then disposed into a body of water such as a river or ocean.

     One other thing that I’m sure you’re dying to know: When the water enters your house, it passes through a meter that measures consumption. It then goes through a “gate” valve that allows you to turn off all the water in the house, if need be. But how does it get to the upstairs bathroom?  Because it is pressurized, it only needs small-diameter pipes to carry it. For disposal (excretion), drainpipes can be large in diameter because gravity is utilized to bring used water down, back into the sewer system.  (The pressure in your house is probably 80 pounds per square inch (PSI) or less. This maintains the “integrity” of the pipes, while delivering water to you and anyone else inhabiting your mansion.

     All true Crapperites understand that the toilet works in a mysterious, yet ingenious way. First of all, understand the “soil stack.” This is the toilet drainpipe. It is also the largest drainpipe in the house, because it carries not only human waste, but al other waste water. Smaller drains in your abode drain into the soil stack, and then out into the main sewer line. One more word about your friend, the toilet: There is always standing water in it, to trap sewer gasses and odors from wafting back into your beautiful, modern, exquisitely decorated bathroom.

The Toilet

     Okay, here’s what’s so cool about the toilet:  We don’t know whether or not

Sir Crapper invented this, but he sure promoted it and made it famous. A majority of humanity is familiar with the outside of the toilet.  The toilet consists of two parts: A ceramic bowel and tank. Both of these are filled with water. The bowl welcomes your deposit, and the tank holds water in reserve. When you flip the handle to flush, a stopper is raised in the bottom of the tank. Water drains from the tank and flows into the bowl .Excess water in the bowl flows into an outlet pipe, and the resulting vacuum sucks up the water and waste from the bowl into the plumbing system.

The tank

     When a toilet begins to flush, the falling water level in the tank causes a hollow, oval-shaped “ball” to float down with the decreasing water level.  There is an inlet valve connected to this floating ball.  It opens and allows water into the tank. When most of the water has flushed out through the bottom of the tank, a stopper closes and the tank begins to refill. The floating ball rises to its former raised position and the inlet valve closes. Both the tank and bowl are then full of water and ready to be used again. Isn’t that delightful?

      Again, there are two basic parts: The tank (holds clean water and stores it; the bowl holds clean water. This standing water in the bowl blocks methane and a host of other indescribable vapors, arising from the local sewer into the soil stack. Gas is lighter than air, so it continues to rise, up, up and up, until it is blocked by the resting water in the bowl. This resting water blocks the “sewer gas” from seeping into the good air of the bathroom.  Sir Crapper certainly knew what he was doing. After World War I, many factories began to produce these contraptions. Soon, nearly every household had one.

     Going to the bathroom in space?  According to NASA, a “zero gravity” toilet has been designed. Due to the lack of gravity, solid wastes are compressed, stored and removed after landing. Waste water is vented into space. As of this writing, according to NASA and The New York Times, the crew recently heard a loud noise while the toilet was in use. Suddenly, the fan stopped, as well as the system used to collect liquids. Obviously, there was an urgent need for toilet repair. The Space Shuttle, Discovery is due soon and repairs will be made..  Future space facilities, according to NASA, might be able to recycle urine into drinkable water, and fecal matter may be utilized for fertilization of plants. This is all interesting, but not terribly important for most of us, until we consider that advances in space technology are often utilized on Earth, at home where we live. Consider that one day we may be drinking recycled “nutrients” and constructing our homes and building furniture with recycled solids.

     Knowing all of this, we are still faced with the eternal question, that in a social situation, how does one excuse him- or herself, gracefully and with dignity? The old, “shake hands with a friend,” doesn’t quite cut it. All kidding aside, according to eHOW, a web site intended to give helpful hints to teachers; pupils should be given the following instructions:

“Step 1

Pay attention to what the teacher is saying. If you listen closely, you may be able to predict a pause in the lesson.

Step 2

Raise your hand high in the air, and wait a few seconds to gauge if the teacher has seen you.

Step 3

Call your teacher by name, or simply say, “Excuse me!” Speak loudly and clearly so that your teacher will be sure to hear you.

Step 4

Ask politely if you may be excused to use the restroom, staring your request with. “may I.” rather than, “can I.” If you are feeling ill, let your teacher know so he or she can help you to the bathroom if necessary.

Step 5

Avoid dawdling. Take care of your bathroom business (sic) as quickly as possible, then head directly back to class.”

     The call of nature is indigenous to us all, and we must take care of our “business.” Thank our ancestors who gave us brains to figure out where and when to answer that call to go to the bathroom. Francis Bacon, pointed out that, “In nature, things move violently TO their place, and calmly IN their place.”

     Okay, now’s the time to take a break, and if you must, seek out Sir Crapper’s most ingenious facility to accommodate your biological needs.