In the spirit of the holiday, I offer you my offensive Halloween costume ideas:

1. If you don’t feel like putting much effort into it, take a normal white garbage bag, and cut a hole in the bottom for your head. Then cut two holes in the sides for your arms. You’re White Trash!
2. Don’t mind getting messy? Put on a flesh-toned swimsuit and smear ketchup, preferably mixed with red Jell-o chunks, all over your body. Attach an ordinary garden hose to your stomach, and attach a wire coat hanger to your head like a Teletubby. See how long it takes people to figure out that you’re an Aborted Fetus.
3. Dress in gray. A yellow slicker would work too. Plug up the bathtubs and sinks and turn on the taps–then break them off. Attach a garden hose or use buckets to fill peoples’ cars with water. Carry a super soaker full of water, and spray all the black people at the party, telling them to “Get the hell out!” When the people who live there complain, tell them it’s all right – it’s just part of your costume. You’re Hurricane Katrina!
4. Red boxing shorts and a pair of 16-ounce gloves are just the beginning. An Afro wig helps, but the home run is the shot of Novocaine to the mouth, or even just a couple of Vicadin swallowed before the party. In a pinch, a bottle of Night Train will do. Allow 10-20 minutes for that good stuff to take effect, and you become The Greatest – Muhammad Ali. Float like a butterfly, sting like a koala bear.
5. A Grand Wizard of the KKK costume would turn heads, but it’s just not edgy enough. Instead of using white, make your costume out of pink cloth, and carry a 24-inch, double-sided purple dildo as a scepter. That’s right, you’re the Grand Wizard of the Gay Gay Gay.
6. If you can come up with a wheelchair, dress up in any commercially available Superman costume. For added effect, attach a cup holder to your chest and sip your beer through a straw without using your hands.
7. Get an old gray suit at a thrift store, and rip it up a bit. Get it real dirty. Smear some mud on your face, and pin a yellow star to your shoulder. You’re a Jew! Oh, also, for maximum effect, don’t eat for two weeks before Halloween.
8. A friend of mine told me he was going to be Teen Wolf from the old Michael J. Fox movie. I suggested he update his costume to the modern day T-T-Teen W-W-W-W-Wolf. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-OWOOOOOOO!
9. If you bought a Mike Vick jersey, don’t throw it away just yet. Instead, wear it on Halloween and bring your dog along, with a noose for a leash! (The ASPCA recommends using stuffed animals instead, especially if you’re going to electrocute them).