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Is Your Home Safe From a Velociraptor Attack?

Published by CPurcell in Offbeat
March 8th, 2009

The big question is: How can you protect yourself against a pack of hungry velociraptors? Fortunately I have the answers you’ve been looking for.

The threat of a pack of Velociraptors attacking is much like the threat of a zombie apocalypse in that it is always looming over our heads. Cloning technology could be perfected today. Tomorrow could see the first dinosaurs brought to life. Do you know what that means? Yes. Velociraptors could strike as soon as the day after tomorrow!

The good news is that you can be prepared for them. Velociraptors are fast, deadly and attack in numbers. You can’t outrun them and to gun them down takes more skill than the average person has. Getting in close is a recipie for immediate death. So the big question is: How can you protect yourself against a pack of hungry velociraptors? Fortunately I have the answers you’ve been looking for. My many years of study has resulted in finding the best defence in all situations against a velociraptor pack.

This article focuses mainly on your home. The fact is that the safest place for you in the case of a velociraptor attack is inside and your home is a place you can get in and out of easily at any time. But just how secure is your home? We’ll take a look at the ways you can be safe.

Windows

Velociraptors often choose to use windows to enter a building. Glass is fragile and one velociraptor is all it takes to jump through and shatter your windows. This means that having a lot of windows, especially large ones, is high risk to you and your family. Sliding glass doors are just as high risk as they are easily broken through. Whenever possible, build your house with fewer windows and make them smaller so they can’t fit through. Bulletproof glass is an obvious solution but it can be very expensive and the technology does not allow for true resistance to the full mass and velocity of a jumping raptor pack. A better option is the use of metal bars over the window. They may be unsightly but it’s the price you pay for safety. Bars are also cheaper and more effective than bulletproof glass.

Doors

It is a well known fact that Velociraptors are intelligent creatures that can open doors. It is impossible to completely remove doors from your house so you have to consider what kind of doors you have. First of all the best choice is a metal door with a thick metal frame. Velociraptors have been known to break down the cheap wood often used in doors. Secondly, choosing the doorknob is important. Opt for a spherical or circular doorknob instead of a handle. Velociraptors lack the thumbs needed to operate the former but can easily open a door using the latter.

Locks are also important. Chains are a bad choice. An even worse choice is few or no locks. Make sure you have several different, sturdy locks that use a bolt mechanism. Keep them locked whenever you are inside. Remember: The velociraptors could strike as soon as the day after tomorrow!

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8 Comments
  1. Sharon
    Posted March 8, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Great! Like flying yard monkeys weren’t scary enough,now it’s Velociraptors!
    What’s next? :)

  2. pixie
    Posted March 8, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    at last, some timely advice to guide us through these uncertain times! velocaraptors are certainly high amongst my concerns and an issue which is never properly addressed. when will our global leaders address this issue and stop sweeping it under the carpet as if it doesn’t exist.

  3. Posted March 9, 2009 at 8:13 am

    Funny, but good article. Loved it!

  4. Posted March 9, 2009 at 10:06 am

    Very original! DUGG-it

  5. Posted March 9, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Your information is timely and valuable, as Pixie states.

    Thank you for taking the time to write such a thorough and thoughtful manual for the protection of life against tomorrow’s impending velociraptor attacks.

  6. Coffeeco
    Posted March 9, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    I really enjoyed that piece of information. Seeing how things are going this could save thousands of lives. But seriouly, very good article.

  7. Posted March 27, 2009 at 7:37 am

    Very amusing gave me a lugh during my lunch break. So much humour online is videos but the scope for textual pieces is larger.
    i liked this bit
    ‘Whenever possible, build your house with fewer windows and make them smaller so they can’t fit through. Bulletproof glass is an obvious solution but it can be very expensive and the technology does not allow for true resistance to the full mass and velocity of a jumping raptor pack.’
    Building a hpuse is cheaper than bullet proof glass. I hope this piece hasn’t made anyone paranoid.

  8. Freeman
    Posted April 2, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Thank you very much, this will be an invaluable help when I babysit. I’ve always checked out houses to see how well they’ll hold up against a velociraptor attack. So far, all of them have failed on all of these fronts except for the door handles. I need to find customers with fewer picture windows.

    Awesome article!

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