“Man Up!” That, expressed in dozens of different ways, is the challenge I’ve heard countless women across the bar from me lay down to American men. For some it’s “I wish he’d just take charge.” Or, “God, why do I have to make all the decisions in this relationship?” Or, simply, “he’s such a child.”

Seems to me men and women have hit a road block on the path to love. What’s up with this?   I’ll tell you. (That’s why you’re here isn’t it?)

But first, back to the story. It’s Thursday night. The bar? Packed.  The drinks? Flowing.  Men are checking out the women and the women are ignoring the men. The more things change, the more they stay the same. What we’ve got here is another perfect night in “why-won’t-he-ask-me-out-ville?” and “why-won’t-she-let-me-buy her-a-drink-burg.” Why the disconnect?  Well, you want to know, why? Here’s a hint for you gals:  Look up and re-read the first sentence of this paragraph. Any bells going off? Any lights flashing? Years ago you wanted us men to be more sensitive to your needs and feelings. You wanted us to talk more. To be—yeah, I’ll say it—less manly. 

And like trained dogs we rolled over. Through countless sensitivity workshops and countless chick movies, we’ve morphed into boys who feel your pain. We listen. We express our feelings. We even cry for chrissake. And now you don’t want us.

C’mon admit it. You want our old testosterone-enriched manliness back. You want the take charge, tell you what “we” are going to do tonight,” the no-f’n-way-I-want an-Appletini-beer-and-a-shot-man back.

And that’s all right, because we’re ready to make a comeback. Now, having said that, let me add, this is not, I repeat, not a free pass for buttheaded behavior. Manly? Yes, but a butt-head? No way. You know what acceptable behavior is, and if you don’t, well, it’s time to stop taking punches (literally or figuratively) and duck and weave your way to a nearby therapist.  Boundaries are good. Boundaries are what civilization is all about. We all need them. When he crosses a line—tell him. A real man will respect that. Girl, if he doesn’t, just empty that glass of chardonnay on his lap and call a bouncer.

Okay, gentlemen, it’s your turn. Take a deep breath, exhale—and down that Crown Royal. I can hear most of you saying “That’s right, Danny, you tell ‘em.” But this isn’t a call to arms. If you’ve been listening, you know it’s okay to be manly, just not Neanderthal- manly. If it was really so easy a caveman could do it, GEICO wouldn’t have an ad campaign, right? Sure it’s complicated, but it’s not quantum physics. You know what’s right, so just take a hard look in the mirror, remember you’re a man, and do it.

Women you spend hours getting your hair and makeup just right for the sheer pleasure of hearing us say, “Wow!” You spend untold hours pounding the terrazzo at the mall to, pick out that perfect little number so that your—how should I put this?—womanliness won’t go unnoticed.  And we’re just men, imperfect, yes, but we’re there for you, wowing and noticing. We want to be that guy for you. And we will be, if you just let us man up.  

Men I am not done with you yet.  Alright now that you’ve strapped your manliness, for your Thursday night quest before you even leave the apartment. Shower, because nobody likes a stinky, grubby, soiled clothed man. Yes in the movies the chick always falls for the hero who has just run 20 minutes after being chased by robots, through the steel mill,  swam across the canal of doom and walked over hot coals with out a wince and kissed the girl. Not in the REAL WORLD would this happen. It’s more like, stuck in your SUV with the A/C on the fritz. Spilled coffee on your lap had Mexican for lunch and chewed on two stale Altoids thinking you were ready.  Come on boys, we would never expect our girls to show up like that…really! So to repeat clean is good, wear nice up to date but not-to-trendy-clothes, hair nicely styled, and just a hint of cologne. That means she has to get close to you to enjoy it not smell you from across the room. Now lastly enjoy her for all her gorgeousness. Compliment her on her outfit, which means don’t say “that top sure makes your rack look good”. Say that color really makes your eyes stand out…. oh by the way mean it when you say it. Women can smell insincerity a mile away.  At the end of it all we all (men and women) want to be just that- men and women. So enjoy the differences between us but don’t forget to be you.

So here’s to the love, life and liquor in our lives and remember it’s all for fun

Thanks,

Danny the Bartender