Hi my name is Jack and welcome to the 5:56 Ridiculous news!

And first to a shopping mall for breaking news ……

An elderly lady did her shopping * and upon return * found 4 males in her car * she dropped her shopping bags * and drew her hand gun * proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it * and that she will if required * so get out of the car * the 4 men didn’t wait around for a second invitation * but got out and ran like crazy. *

The lady proceeded to load her shopping into the back of the car * and got into the drivers seat * small problem * her key wouldn’t fit the ignition * her similar car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down * she loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the nearest police station. *

The sergeant she told the story to nearly rolled in the floor with laughter * and pointed to the other end or the counter * where 4 white males were reporting a car-jacking * by a mad elderly white woman * no charges were filed. *

Now here’s Jack with the stock market

Thank you Jack,

The stock market today shows that helium was up * feathers were down * Paper * was stationary ** Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading * Knives were up sharply * Cows steered into a bull market, Pencils lost a few points * Hiking equipment * was trailing * Elevators rose * while escalators continued a slow decline * Weights were up in heavy trading, Light switches were off * Mining equipment hit rock bottom * Diapers remain unchanged * Shipping lines stayed at an even keel * The market for raisins * dried up * Coca Cola fizzled * Caterpillar stock inched up a bit, Balloon prices were inflated, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom, And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

And that is today’s stock market back to Jack

Thank you Jack

That concludes today’s show oh and by the way England finally beats Australia in cricket now that’s ridiculous news thank you and good bye.

·      *  Take a breath

·      **  Take a big breath